Venting Does anyone else ever sometimes feel like killing themselves out of spite?

[ibewguy]

Sometimes I get so angry and emotionally activated due to circumstances in life, whether that be how "family members" treat me. Or how my spouse treats me that I start telling myself that I should kill myself so maybe they would feel crushing guilt and hurt like I am hurting. I know it's really toxic and I pray for God to take this hatred out of my heart. But I genuinely feel so hopeless about everything. Every obstacle feels so insurmountable. I want to commit suicide regardless of these feelings of anger. But man they come on SO insanely strong and it feels SO good to engage with them. I know it's my horrible mental health grasping for control of the situation. But man. Someone please tell me I am not alone in feeling this way. I can't be.

 

[dragonofenvy]

Someone please tell me I am not alone in feeling this way. I can't be.

You are not. I feel the exact same way. Even as a teenager I wanted to kill myself just so I would finally be seen and that all of the issues I had been screaming about would finally make sense to everyone else. They'd finally realize that telling me to grow out of it, get over it, or to be a man was not the answer. The people who claimed to be kind and great people would finally realize that they're only kind and great to certain people, while malignant to people society doesn't care about. Their empathy towards others is self-serving. They only want to tell other people how much they care, not actually care. I thought my suicide would prove to them that I am right. I want people to feel guilt and responsibility. Maybe they'd feel 10% as bad as I do in that moment.

It is a bit hypocritical, that I counter people I deem to be myopic and self-serving with my own selfish and hurtful actions whose consequences I won't bear. However, nobody ever asks how one gets to that point. They simply judge the action without its story.

I'm sorry that you've been treated so poorly by others to have gotten to the same point. It's an awful feeling to have to bear.

 

[otomedissection]

Sometimes I get so angry and emotionally activated due to circumstances in life, whether that be how "family members" treat me. Or how my spouse treats me that I start telling myself that I should kill myself so maybe they would feel crushing guilt and hurt like I am hurting. I know it's really toxic and I pray for God to take this hatred out of my heart. But I genuinely feel so hopeless about everything. Every obstacle feels so insurmountable. I want to commit suicide regardless of these feelings of anger. But man they come on SO insanely strong and it feels SO good to engage with them. I know it's my horrible mental health grasping for control of the situation. But man. Someone please tell me I am not alone in feeling this way. I can't be.

You're definitely not alone. Sometimes I feel like doing something drastic is the only way I'll ever be truly seen or cared about. In my rational mind, I know that doing something out of spite won't really fix anything, but I still want certain people to face some kind of consequences or guilt for what they've done to me. Because I know they never would otherwise.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

All the time, but I'm just worried they would use my death for sympathy and attention.

 

[ibewguy]

That's exactly where I am.

All the time, but I'm just worried they would use my death for sympathy and attention.