Venting Does anybody else wish they had caught the bus sooner?

[eternaltroubador]

I've known I wanted this for a while, but this month might be the one I finally follow through and my only regret is it took me this long. There was a period of time where i was completely isolated, and the only people that would have missed me was my immediate family. It would have been so much simpler then and I wouldn't have to feel this guilt. There was a period of time I gave myself false hope and decided to give life a second chance. I met a lot of friends I have very close relationships with now, and I'm in a long term relationship with someone who I really care about and love. For anyone else that would be such a blessing. But despite how lucky I am, my anxiety makes every single day a trial and I'm more exhausted than I've ever been. I only want what I've always wanted, peace. Now I'm forced to leave people who deserve better through emotional pain in my wake. I feel selfish for leaving my friends and my girlfriend, but I've spent the last few months watching myself destroy every opportunity I ever had, and theres nothing left now. I have to CTB. If I deny myself this, I will suffer for ever. I just wish I did it sooner, back when there would have been a lot less people that would have missed me.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of guilt/regret?

 

[WornOutLife]

I can relate.
The more years pass by, the more regrets we'll have.

Yet, even though I've been suicidal since I was 12, I'm still here (33) and decided to give life a shot.

Will I have more regrets in the future? Maybe. But I just don't have the guts nor the method to ctb for now.

 

[hoffnungstod]

Catching the bus in the age of 18 or 19 in my case would have been a better choice. I would have saved myself and others a lot of suffering.
Now I'm about a month away from 23 years of life experience and I really regret that I didn't do it sooner.

 

[Pen>Sword]

I should've died last year, but I don't have a reliable method and
my parents found out about my suicidal ideation, which broke them. I want to die, but the lack of options and my family is a serious hindrance to this pursuit.

 

[Meditation guide]

I wish I could have about 5 years ago when my health went downhill.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Yeah, I wish I had a reliable and humane method when I first attempted at 21. Being able to die then would've spared me a decade of suffering. I'm slightly jealous that there are so many resources now compared to back then or perhaps I was simply too dumb to find them at the time. I remember looking at some form of the PPH 10 years ago and it was about the exit bag but it was far too technical for someone like me. I really wish I hadn't given up on finding a peaceful exit at that age or had managed to grow a pair to use my violent method properly.

 

[Hurt]

Everyday. I regret being alive.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Woulda coulda shoulda

 

[death137]

Catching the bus in the age of 18 or 19 in my case would have been a better choice. I would have saved myself and others a lot of suffering.
Now I'm about a month away from 23 years of life experience and I really regret that I didn't do it sooner.

I also regret not ctb when I was 18 or 19. I hope I die before I turn 24 in March.

 

[hoffnungstod]

before I turn 24 in March

born-in-march-Gang ^^

 

[AnniesHideaway]

When I was 15 I hung myself with a belt on a pull-up bar. It went very smoothly until I passed out ... when the metal tip on the belt snapped off from my full weight, the knot unraveled, and I smashed my head on the garbage pail I used to get up. I am 55 now, and don't think I have had a day where I didn't regret not CTB that day. Why couldn't I just make sure that f'ing knot was tight and secure. In retrospect it was absolutely the perfect time to go.

 

[WorthlessGirl]

I wanted to do it last year, I don't know why I didn't. A few days ago, someone I love deeply hurt me and I'm in so much pain. I regret not doing it last year, feel so angry and stupid.

 

[Mentalmick]

Wished I'd done it years ago when I didn't give death or si a second thought.

 

[Lupgevif]

Yeah, I wish I have done it at the first ultimatum I gave myself, November 2018.

 

[Aloken]

I sometimes think I should have died in 2019. I had a serious case of appendicitis and I got close. Back then, I was still in contact with my favorite person in the world and we were good. Back then, my life wasn't so bad. Comparing to this, it was an amazing life. I should have left at that high. Now it's just sad.

And I definitely think I should have ctb last year, definitely. But I know I was very naive about how difficult it is to kill yourself. I thought a pack of paracetamol pills would do the trick. Anyway, I wish I had killed myself somehow in 2020

 

[Isisnefert]

12 years ago I wanted ctb for first time, I regret not having done it then, I registered here last year, I was very near to ctb, I had a date to sign my list wills but the office closed cause the pandemic, I was in bed for months, after, i had a little recovery, encouraged by my partner and a friend, but now i come back to the same point, i think there isn't recovery for me. I have become a neet after working for more than ten years, but working I wasn't happy either

 

[FatalSystemError591]

I've been suicidal since I was 13. I'm 25. I wish I had done it then, and the end of the month is my exit date.

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

I've been suicidal since I was a teen. I'm now 40. I should have gone time and time again.

 

[LastFlowers]

Absolutely. Every time I reach tomorrow, I wish I had died in the 'yesterday'.
And every time I wake up, I wish I hadn't.

 

[Trisolaris]

I definitely wish I would have done it sooner.

 

[aneurysm]

me, all the time

 

[Deleted member 23885]

I wish I could do it countlessly throughout the day.

 

[angelfeather]

Me. I wanted to do it yesterday but guilt stopped me.

 

[NodusTollens]

Sorry to hear that you've been carrying this for so long. :( It's a special kind of lonely to carry that around among others & I can't imagine how heavy that must have been. I understand what you mean, when you say that if you don't you might suffer forever- I've felt it too. Whatever you decide, I hope you're able to find some peace of mind- from the sounds of it, you deserve it. HUGS.

Yeah...I regret the person I've become. I made excuses for my mental health & had a wanton disregard for life, responsibilities & consequences. I just wanted to make the pain stop. I feel guilty for all the people I hurt without regard, the friends who gave their time & energy to help me through the toughest moments of my life, who were in some cases, emotional doormats while I lived recklessly. They stuck by me even when I was being an emotional selfish b*txh. I was never able to be honest with them, not in the way they deserved. But now, it feels like I'm paying them back for all their love & support by wanting to CTB.

I feel guilty for the pain I've caused. All I want is was for everyone to forget me.

 

[demuic]

If I had taken the time to properly research a reliable method when I tried almost 2 years ago, I would've been dead without regrets. Nothing valuable or worthwhile has happened since then.

 

[Birdie]

Yes, when I was 11~14 I could have done it so easily, but felt sorry for myself thinking that I was too young, hoping for a better future, but now I regret it. Should have done it back then and have the spirit of a child forever, dying without ever knowing a lot of things I wish I didn't. Why did I come this far? Everything is broken now, and I can't escape from this nightmare because I'm totally conscious of how much it would hurt my mother. I just wish I didn't know things and didn't care about anyone, but there's no turning back at this point...

 

[megafire]

I should've done it on saturday. it was all set up, just the way, minus a couple unachievable things, that I wanted to go. Put the rope around my neck, and it should've ended there.

Unfortunately, the rope was too slack or something, so I kind of just dangled, not able to breathe. Rinse and repeat four times, but I couldn't do it. It was taking too long, and asphyxiation takes a LOT of willpower. so i'm still here, on my last 100 dollars, regretting everything and everything and everything.

 

[eternaltroubador]

I should've done it on saturday. it was all set up, just the way, minus a couple unachievable things, that I wanted to go. Put the rope around my neck, and it should've ended there.

Unfortunately, the rope was too slack or something, so I kind of just dangled, not able to breathe. Rinse and repeat four times, but I couldn't do it. It was taking too long, and asphyxiation takes a LOT of willpower. so i'm still here, on my last 100 dollars, regretting everything and everything and everything.

Im sorry you had to go through that. You must be really shaken. I hope things get better for you soon friend

 

[johntee23]

I've known I wanted this for a while, but this month might be the one I finally follow through and my only regret is it took me this long. There was a period of time where i was completely isolated, and the only people that would have missed me was my immediate family. It would have been so much simpler then and I wouldn't have to feel this guilt. There was a period of time I gave myself false hope and decided to give life a second chance. I met a lot of friends I have very close relationships with now, and I'm in a long term relationship with someone who I really care about and love. For anyone else that would be such a blessing. But despite how lucky I am, my anxiety makes every single day a trial and I'm more exhausted than I've ever been. I only want what I've always wanted, peace. Now I'm forced to leave people who deserve better through emotional pain in my wake. I feel selfish for leaving my friends and my girlfriend, but I've spent the last few months watching myself destroy every opportunity I ever had, and theres nothing left now. I have to CTB. If I deny myself this, I will suffer for ever. I just wish I did it sooner, back when there would have been a lot less people that would have missed me.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of guilt/regret?

You make it sound as if you are duty bound to CTB. You're not. It sounds as if life is ok for you. Give it a year and reevaluate. There's no hurry and certainly no duty.

 

[wannagohome]

Now is the time. My life was great before everything started to break down in October