Venting Do you want people to notice your pain?

[LilGhost]

I'm planning to ctb in few days. Met with my friends today. Gave one my goodbye gift. Made some "jokes" about leaving and asked some questions because well… I wanna know what would happen after I'm done. They didn't figure out. Only after I sent short goodbye when I got back home (as I wanted to be able to say how I love them as friends and receive an answer when I am still alive) I got a call to make sure that I'm not in a progress of ctb, but they trusted me easily that no everything is okay
I don't know. I just want at least my close people to notice. I don't want to be stopped and I understand that it's selfish making them realize I'm about to ctb and just make them watch me do so, but I wanna be a bit egoistic. I want to leave knowing that some people cared. I have ugly jealousy for people who receive support and help after their attempts. I want my attempt to succeed but I want to feel loved before that. I know they won't even attend my funerals, because they'd need to fly to another country as there is no way my parents would let me be burned in peace in country I live in and would request my body to be transported to my home country. Maybe that's for the best tho, as they won't miss me.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

No, not one bit. I would never put anyone I cared about through that. Life will go on after we're gone (as it should), that's what will happen.

 

[Front Back]

Kinda want to just leave and be found dead years later.

 

[BlueMist96]

Yes. I want people to know that I'm suffering. I want sympathy. I crave attention. I hate this part of myself. I'm not letting myself do that to people.

 

[neverexistedd]

no, people only make things worse

 

[Forever Sleep]

I used to- when I was younger. Especially with a best friend. I wanted them to realise when I was hurting. But then- that was pretty much all the time and- not many people can cope with that (understandably.)

Now though- no- I don't want people to realise because often- their responses don't help me. It will be how they or others have it worse. It will be all the things I should be doing to improve the situation.

I just want to be left alone now. I know what might help me. I also know what I am and am not willing to do. So- receiving another lecture on it only irritates me.

 

[PanaxMan]

I'm planning to ctb in few days. Met with my friends today. Gave one my goodbye gift. Made some "jokes" about leaving and asked some questions because well… I wanna know what would happen after I'm done. They didn't figure out. Only after I sent short goodbye when I got back home (as I wanted to be able to say how I love them as friends and receive an answer when I am still alive) I got a call to make sure that I'm not in a progress of ctb, but they trusted me easily that no everything is okay
I don't know. I just want at least my close people to notice. I don't want to be stopped and I understand that it's selfish making them realize I'm about to ctb and just make them watch me do so, but I wanna be a bit egoistic. I want to leave knowing that some people cared. I have ugly jealousy for people who receive support and help after their attempts. I want my attempt to succeed but I want to feel loved before that. I know they won't even attend my funerals, because they'd need to fly to another country as there is no way my parents would let me be burned in peace in country I live in and would request my body to be transported to my home country. Maybe that's for the best tho, as they won't miss me.

Sure but it wouldn't help or change much for anything for me at all

 

[3rdworldsadness]

Maybe but no, as nobody cares at all. Nobody cared about me at all. Through all my life I was extremely neglected and abandoned and now I afraid people seeing me cause I feel like people only will hurt. But I want to get better and I want to feel safe....I don't even know any sympathy or anything.

 

[delinquentsandwich]

I've thought about it a bit before
brain wants attention but it wouldn't change anything
there is nothing anyone could possibly do to change me

I'd just be worrying others for no reason
plus it would put my attempt at risk

so, no

 

[PainThreshold]

No, there's no point. That'll just give them a leeway to use me. Acting how supportive they are.

 

[NSA]

I feel this way sometimes and i have no idea why. Maybe its just plain old hope that someone will have the answer to making my life not suck anymore enough to not do it.

 

[foreverandever]

No, absolutely not. I can't stand the thought of anyone else knowing. Wasting their energy on it. They all have a billion other things in their lives that are actually important. Careers, families, their own health. I'm not going to take up any of that space.

 

[inconclusivesorbet]

I dont care if they notice I feel like I just emanate this air of sorrow and that gets annoying really quickly. I haven't been a good friend and really deserve this death. Its best if it goes quiet.

 

[Bibotik470]

Secretly, yes.

I guess holding in the pain for so many years you yearn for someone to ask with genuine sincerity "Hey, you doin' okay? Please, you need to tell me what's wrong."

Not to mark myself a virtuous person or whatever but that's why I strive so hard to be the person everyone needs. The person I need. But goddamn is it exhausting. No one owes me anything for providing compassion, a shoulder to lean on, and a listing ear as this is just instilled within me. Was it abuse or mental conditioning of some form for me to be this way? Maybe, I'm still unsure.

But anyway, I know it's proclaimed as "weak" to want someone to see you're emotionally hurt deeply but at this point, why care if it does anymore. The only thing I fear is if the other person providing me that genuine sincerity of concern is "What if they really just don't give a damn but they're just too far conditioned in being that person to give a crap about someone other than themselves. What if they're tired too and really need someone to acknowledge their pain with as much effort as they do?"

Hopefully this makes sense.

 

[Proxycake]

I wish

 

[violetforever]

they already do and it makes no difference. im not loved or worried about more for it. it gets ignored actually so i feel even less cared about lol.

 

[SMG08ABUSER]

Yes, I 100% want people to know. I've spent so many years ignored and unseen.

 

[hopefullysoon]

Yes, and I already showed and talked about my suicidal thoughts. They told to see a doctor, what I actually did, because my survival instincts ar too strong. And I hate that. Because nothing is getting better, even worse. So I'm kinda stuck here.

 

[burninghill]

Yes. When I started to become desperately suicidal last year, I began to self-harm a lot more for attention. Sometimes, when I was really conflicted about death, I thought about putting just my arm on the rails and staging a failed attempt that would land me severely injured so that people would finally notice.

I don't care about this stuff anymore, but it does satisfy me to know that people will have wished they did more for me when I was alive.

 

[Bishop]

No don't really care about it. Don't need nor crave the attention.

 

[lpdsvm]

No. Everything is transactional. No one will care about my stupid walking meat. It's good.
I'm not even complaining. I'm just useless. Waiting until it's time.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I only really want the people causing my pain to be conscious of it. Most people are incapable of properly understanding my feelings so I'd much prefer if the majority were unaware of my suffering.

 

[klantedklaw]

yeah i wish someone would see and understand how much pain im in i need help really badly

 

[negi-maguro]

Just want to chime in, God this thread hurts so bad it makes me cry lol. I desperately want people to notice my pain, yes. But it's just so hard, I don't have the guts to show them my suffering. I've always felt invisible, hence why I just kept the pain to myself. I don't know, I've always felt like the world should be the place for happy people that can maintain their problem and emotional baggages, so people like me should just shut up and not bring down the vibe. I'm scared that if I opened up to my friends, they will just abandon me because I'm broken. Same goes with my family, but they have a really strong reaction to me being sad and demotivated. Like, my parents got angry when they discovered I've been taking antidepressants. I feel like it's better to just suddenly die, but it hurts so much to keep the pain to myself.

 

[tomame]

no .. but i was grateful to get a job today where I've never worked harder to get. and tried my hardest not to be ungrateful or lacking humility of getting it .. i tried to think this through and through. but my roommate who's a great judge of character, still saw i looked terrible after arriving home. which was kind of validating he saw through what others usually don't.

but at the same time made me quite sad .. despite my efforts to hide how much this experience is breaking me apart .. someone .. anyone .. noticed my pain.

by no means am i ungrateful or not taking accountability for the circumstances im in .. but someone still validated my feelings

 

[Dark Moon]

I don't really care, people would probably lie and say they cared about me just to look good when they really didn't and I'm not bothered about getting attention for it.

 

[SlackedClone]

I think at some point I felt something similar. I wanted people to notice that I was hurting and needed help. Most of the time, though, people just aren't able to pick up on hints. For me, I had to pretty explicitly say how I was feeling before people understood that I was having suicidal thoughts.

That said, it's a lot harder than it sounds to just sit down with someone and say, "Hey, I'm feeling suicidal and I may need help." For me, I wanted to say it once, and the words just didn't come out. What I feared most was that they were going to stop me, put me in a facility, and take away my freedom.

If you have a trusted friend you can talk to, that can help, but sometimes mental health professionals can help you the best. If you do decide to see a mental health professional, it's important to know that if they believe you're going to harm yourself, they have to report it. Depending on the situation, that can include being sent to a mental health facility. It's pretty much like a dorm where all of the stuff is designed to prevent you from hurting yourself. (I'm mostly talking about the US. I'm not really sure what it is like in other places)

From what I'm reading in your post, it sounds like part of you wants your friends and the people around you to understand how you're feeling, and you want them to show that they care. I think the fact that your friends called to check on you shows that they do care. Being on the other end of that line is super difficult as well. It's hard to call your friend and ask, "Are you okay? Please don't do anything."

I don't really know what you've been through, but I'd encourage you to at least try to get help. Suicide is (pretty) permanent, and you might as well try to recover if you can. Sometimes people end up happier than they expected, even when they didn't think anything could change. Even if it doesn't work out the way you hope, at least you'll know you gave it a chance.

 

[potaytow]

I'm planning to ctb in few days. Met with my friends today. Gave one my goodbye gift. Made some "jokes" about leaving and asked some questions because well… I wanna know what would happen after I'm done. They didn't figure out. Only after I sent short goodbye when I got back home (as I wanted to be able to say how I love them as friends and receive an answer when I am still alive) I got a call to make sure that I'm not in a progress of ctb, but they trusted me easily that no everything is okay
I don't know. I just want at least my close people to notice. I don't want to be stopped and I understand that it's selfish making them realize I'm about to ctb and just make them watch me do so, but I wanna be a bit egoistic. I want to leave knowing that some people cared. I have ugly jealousy for people who receive support and help after their attempts. I want my attempt to succeed but I want to feel loved before that. I know they won't even attend my funerals, because they'd need to fly to another country as there is no way my parents would let me be burned in peace in country I live in and would request my body to be transported to my home country. Maybe that's for the best tho, as they won't miss me.

i personally want to disappear, I want them to notice my pain but at the same time I want to be forgotten as well

 

[Lost Magic]

I feel that if I tell people they will just get scared and not want to confront my feelings or find ways to get me to talk about something else other than how I truly feel.

 

[darksouls]

I am indifferent to other people,
everything is meaningless to me,
I just want to disappear