Discussion Do you think a person can be 'saved' by a (romantic) partner?

[Forever Sleep]

I sometimes come across the phrase that a person longs to be 'saved' or rescued by another. To be honest- I also used to have similar hopes. I think that's why Jane Eyre appealed to me although, it felt more like they saved one another there.

I also used to feel upset by the phrase: 'You need to love yourself before loving another'. I wasn't sure I could ever accomplish that. I suppose in a way, I became content and regulated enough on my own that I eventually realised I didn't need another.

But- in that heightened state of need. To be so utterly dependent on another- do you suppose many people can cope with that dependency?

I suppose I came to the conclusion that my type of love would be too over- attached to be comfortable for a potential them or me. That's not to say I had much else going for me either! I'm not attractive. But, it was disappointing to feel like even my loving style would likely be slightly toxic.

I imagine it could actually be a recipe for disaster too- if the other person is possessive and manipulative. They may in fact enjoy being that person's only contact.

What do you think? Do some over- attached/ very needy relationships work? Are there some personalities that fit ok with someone who depends on them heavily- in a healthy way? Can a person be 'saved'? Will they ever move beyond a high level of need? If not, can both people live with that comfortably?

 

[Dot]

Depnds on th/ issu

Thre = rsearch whch shws tht stble & helthly attchd ppl cn hlp chnge insecurly attchd ppl in2 also havng helthy attchmmts bt thre wll b lts of factrs playng in2 th/ sccess of tht

 

[Scythe]

Same answer as Dot, in most cases yes. This is why you get suicides turned pro-life preaching about stuff like this. And you do see a lot of threads on SS venting about being friendless/lonely.

I can really only be saved by money, I don't want to work, and if it means I have to die, so be it. It doesn't matter what great friends / lovers I have, I'm not working.

I've also seen a bit of threads about chronic pain/illness here and I doubt having a significant other would truly help too much in this case either.

 

[SASU-KE]

No. It's not possible. You have to love yourself first.If you can't fix that issue, you will always be miserable with someone else because you will not even deem yourself worthy enough to love someone else. You will be incapable of love or a loving relationship.

 

[violetforever]

no. i've seen it in myself and others. it feels worse to see it in someone else than experiencing it yourself.

 

[mayachcos]

At least for me I gave up on my previous SN attempt 3-4 years ago because I met my partner. While I never ended up opening up to them about my suicidal ideation, I felt like they understood what I was going through, and I felt touched that they could love me, even when I could never love myself for who I was. Then again, my suicidal thoughts never did come to a stop even when I was in love+in a relationship, I just stopped trying to actively make attempts on my own life. So, you could say I was never really saved by them, they just delayed the inevitable.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I have so much to say about this.

First, I think a lot of less-severely-disabled people would assume a lot of Disabled x Abled relationships are "dependent/needy/over-attached" to begin with. Especially ones regarding mental disability, like CPTSD. But the difference is consent and self-awareness.

It's like assuming a BDSM relationship is abusive because the submissive does everything to the dominant—it just doesn't ring true if you actually look at the context. There are (rare, unfortunately) cases where an abled partner loves being able to be a mentally disabled person's "rock," so to speak, and their threshold for "dependent" is a lot harder to reach. It's why a lot of disabled people do take part in BDSM relationships, the dynamics often require similar consent discussions.

For this reason, it kind of pisses me off when ableds or less-disableds try to act like "you have to heal to love someone" or "a relationship can save you."

Saving as a concept should not be based on the idea of healing completely. That ideal is how you get so many ableds that abandon us when love doesn't cure our afflictions. I was once saved by someone I have romantic feelings for because he kept me from killing myself previously. That is a temporary thing—permanent "saving" is a lot rarer. It does exist, of course, but it's not like people think.

For me, I think to be "saved" would mean showing me once and for all that some people are safe to open up my soul to, which is something I struggle with due to trauma and NPD. I would still struggle with it at times, and maybe not do it for some people in my life, but to know for sure that it is POSSIBLE (and have reminders of that frequently from said partner just by them... existing) would be my version of being saved. Just not being scared of and cautious around everyone in my life.

It's not perfect. Not complete healing. But it involves me being given a vital support that is the beginning of healing.

A lot of my prior abuse is due to how easily I would either rely on others to "fix" me, or be taken advantage of by predators due to my narcissistic tendency to find joy in "fixing" others...

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...so I also fell victim to always reading the fantasy romances where the MC was "saved" by love. I had no healthy guiding forces in my life, and I was left genuinely believing love was like a story book.


Anyway, all this to say:

1. The idea of "saving/fixing" that a lot of more abled people rely on is based in ableism and sanism.
2. Not all dependent relationships are unhealthy.
3. Most of us can't even be fixed fully by ourselves, let alone someone else. These struggles will always be part of us, we just have to get them to a point where our quality of life is liveable despite it all.

If you have BPD and sometimes need more reassurance than most people about the fact that your partner won't leave you, that's okay. If you have NPD and require a "praise session" by your partner to regulate you every once in a while, that's okay.

If you have CPTSD and sometimes need to be held like your life depends on it while you cry from flashbacks, that's okay. If you have autism and you sometimes need your partner to guide you through soothing methods during meltdowns, that's okay.

True "saving/fixing" doesn't exist. Whether by medication, therapy, your partner, or yourself. But if you are able to live and enjoy life even despite what an ableist/sanist society would call "broken," and if you wouldn't have gotten to that point without your partner... then yeah. They saved you, in a way.

 

[ironrain]

It's my fantasy but I believe it's 100% not possible, only in books. In reality people are too selfish to care this much about another person. Plus, to save someone you shouldn't be broken yourself and many people are broken, myself included, I can't imagine saving someone. Moreover, people like me piss me off lol. But being selfish is totally normal, it's in our nature.