Venting Do you regret having made it this far?

[Istanbulite]

Beginning of 2020 was a perfect time actually, for me to pull this one. I missed that one out, felt the year would be much better (because it started decent enough for me)..but you know what happend in a couple months.

 

[Noctis]

Yes. I wish I had blown off my head with a shotgun when I was a teenager. I want my suicide to hurt my parents. I want them to live the rest their lives in the same misery I've suffered, knowing they are responsible. I never want them to be happy ever again.

But now I'm in my late thirties and I haven't spoken to them in years. They probably wouldn't even know if I died. Now, my death would hurt innocent people, and I can't bring myself to do that.

 

[tieiwi]

I regret every day of me not ctbing….

 

[Dragon's Heart]

I can't say that I regret it, but I want a f'n medal for having stuck it out this long! There should be some kind of reward!


What?



OK, I'll settle for an ice cream cone.


I'll tell ya what, though---things that used to seem serious have gotten so absurd that I now find them to be somewhat comical. It's how I cope. With humor. (for our UK type members; humour)

 

[oned1saster]

yes, I regret everyday

 

[PleaseTakeMeAway]

I wish I had killed myself before my boyfriend broke up with me. Life was so much better at that time, I just didn't know it. Now it's constant hurt. Nothing will ever be the same anymore, and I'm so tired of somehow finding ways to ruin things even more and ending up hurting worse. I hate it so much.

Now because of me, I've got no friends and he's left me. All because I made stupid choices without thinking.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Unfortunately yes, I regret not going with SN in 2019. I had it and held the cup. Since then I suffered so much, hope was ripped out of my hands and now everything is even more complicated.

 

[chronicallybroken]

Yes, although I have had some good times between attempts, I have been suicidal for nearly 20 years. Each time I get actively suicidal it feels worse. And of course, actually being able to leave existence would make none of this matter. Nothing in the end makes life feel worth living for me, even at my 'happiest' I'd still take the option of (a simple and painless) death.

 

[Source Energy]

I made an attempt in 2014 and almost ctb-ed but I chickened out. I regret very much. It was agonizing years of trying to fix what is unfixable, only to get to the same point - wanting to ctb, in much worse circumstances this time.
No more denying - there is nothing left.
Looking back on my life, if I could delete days/ moments like deleting something on the comp, I would click delete delete delete on 95% it.
I wish mom aborted me altogether.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Yes absolutely. The longer I'm here, the more relationships I form and the harder it is to sever them by leaving.

 

[Source Energy]

Unfortunately yes, I regret not going with SN in 2019. I had it and held the cup. Since then I suffered so much, hope was ripped out of my hands and now everything is even more complicated.

thank gawd SN is still available...

 

[Anon1337]

I wish I CTB in 2019.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Yes. There's no point in being alive for me. I am just meandering and wasting resources.

 

[Darkover]

i'd of lefted at 18 years old now 36 all i can say is life is not worth living it would be better to never exist at all

 

[jessisme]

I came very close to success with ctb about five years ago and I really wish the police hadn't found me and forced me to go to the hospital in the ambulance they had ordered. I went unconscious in the ambulance but came to once they had me at the hospital and had used various tools and implements to warm me. I sincerely wish I had been left to die in the freezing cold outdoors in the storage unit I found open. Things have only gotten so much worse since then. I have attempted about five times and am just so tired of trying.

 

[missingpeace]

I should have done it within 6 months of my life changing for the worst. Now it's extremely hard with very less cognition.

 

[jolongone]

Yes the older l become the harder it gets. My sons have told me they will never forgive me if l ctb.. but the thought of my health deteriorating and then becoming reliant on people just does my head in.
I would rather burn out than rust

 

[lovesurroundsyou]

Definitely. After my first failed attempt, my life took a nosedive and every single problem I had that pushed me to this point worsened. I've only ever hit new lows (and failed more attempts) since then. That was 8 years ago, if only I had been successful...

 

[Laivirt]

I think so. My life hasn't improved at all since I first tried catching the bus at 16.

It's arguably gotten a lot worse now that I think about it. So much for all that "it gets better" pro-life nonsense lol....

 

[itsallpointless]

Yup. Should have thrown myself off a building a long time ago

 

[yoshii]

Yes. It's only gotten worse, despite what they tell you..

 

[BlackWednesday]

Yes. I should have done it ten years ago. It would of saved me and others a lot of misery. I have accomplished nothing of value by continuing to live

 

[sleepyturtle]

there are some things that im really happy have happened, but if i had the choice id probably go back and do my first attempt right. the weight of everything is unbearable, and the more people say it gets better, the worse it gets.

 

[Rob1984]

I don't regret it at all, tbh. Lots of people have unjustifiably mistreated me, and society as a whole has failed me, but part of me feels like if I CTB, all that does is let them win. I rather go out fighting and knowing that I gave it my best shot... anyway, at this point, I gave up seeking a hedonistic life. I've decided if I can't be happy, then the least I can do is attempt to help other people happy.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes- in terms of- I either wish I hadn't been born to begin with, or I wish I had just randomly died peacefully. In terms of CTB- I've hung on specifically not to upset other people. I don't regret doing that. I could easily have done without the past 33 years though. It's not been all bad but it REALLY hasn't been worth it for me.

 

[Rob1984]

In terms of CTB- I've hung on specifically not to upset other people.

Would you say this reflects how compassionate/empathetic you are as person? I would think somebody who lacks compassion (or empathy) would disregard the thought of upsetting other people all together.

 

[borderline-feline]

Quite frankly, my mother should've aborted me, though you can't exactly regret something that's out of your control. I should've done it when I was in high school, but that would raise the problem of people doing some kind of hollow memorial bullshit against my will and pretending that they gave a shit about me.

If I had died years ago, then I wouldn't've met my favorite person, and I wouldn't need permission to die.

 

[Krieger]

Nah, I'm glad I have.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Would you say this reflects how compassionate/empathetic you are as person? I would think somebody who lacks compassion (or empathy) would disregard the thought of upsetting other people all together.

It probably has something to do with it. I'm not some saint though! I would consider myself to be empathetic but there is one person in particular I am hanging on for- my Dad. When my Mum died, he was- naturally devastated. I think he did consider CTB but he hung on for me. I was 3. We've both suffered a lot of grief and mourning in our lives. It just doesn't feel right to add to that really- if I can help it.

I've had conversations with other people here who don't really factor in the damage to other people problem- because honestly- it kind of baffles me. For them in particular- they didn't experience this intense grief. I suppose it depends on your ideas around death and grief. If you don't really feel it so much yourself- I suppose you're not going to REALLY worry about other people because I guess you can't really envisage what they might go through. Perhaps it's partly lack of empathy but maybe it's also- not having those feelings yourself- so- having no way of imagining them in someone else.

 

[sorrowed_ender]

100% no. Im honestly living out of spite. I love seeing people angry when I defend myself. Im not in the best household environment and everyday my family makes me wanna kms. But living out of all that spite makes me happy tbh. Yes this society is fucked up and cruel and I just wanna get it over with. But all I have left is spite. Im a very spiteful person and if my existance makes others mad or upset, then good. I'm glad just being alive is pissing someone off, that means I'm apart of the people trying to make this damn place better attemptinf to break the cycle.