Do you have random bursts of Im going to ctb today?

[MiMif]

Nah i havent been here for a while. But i was looking at my old post...Ive said i was gonna kill myself atleast 3x...Im still here.

I probably have a personality disorder. But like randomly I am determined today is the day without even planning anything out. Its not like anything specific happens that day I just am staring up at the cieling at 3 am or waking up one morning and deciding today is the day. I never go through with it though. I mean i try but I fail.

I watched this anime recently called wonder egg priority and it said something that got me thinking. It said male suicide is acted upon having a goal and eager to succeed while female suicides are based on emotions. Not sure the truth of that statement but honestly i feel that its true for me. Maybe im too emotional...but i really do wanna die. Im too lazy to even come up with a good plan to do it though. I just decide to ctb randomly and always fail.

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

I think that statement rings true as my suicidal urges are very emotionally charged too and less thought out. Men's suicide rate is way higher because indeed they tend to be less impulsive and more methodical on average than women regarding the act. Just from personal observation and other things I've read or heard about.

To be honest what you described also would apply to me. My suicide attempts are too impulsive and not thoughtout enough which leads me to wait longer but I think that I can do it one day if I really try.

I bet you can do too. If that helps.

 

[rozeske]

My mind wouldn't let me for impulsive "today is the day attempts", the chance of a not so well planned attempts failing makes me anxious. I have been planning and researching and then setting a specific date. Then sadly SI shows it's face as the date gets close by. I start getting anxious and panicking at the last hours then am forced to push the date a few days....I've been at this loop for some time now. Looks like am not having any luck with both the impulsive or planned out attempts.

 

[Islacchi]

i usually have though on that like couple times a week, but no the one that really taking an action to do it, as the person above me i'm feeling the same
i guess im too coward sometimes to really do it

 

[MiMif]

My mind wouldn't let me for impulsive "today is the day attempts", the chance of a not so well planned attempts failing makes me anxious. I have been planning and researching and then setting a specific date. Then sadly SI shows it's face as the date gets close by. I start getting anxious and panicking at the last hours then am forced to push the date a few days....I've been at this loop for some time now. Looks like am not having any luck with both the impulsive or planned out attempts.

Its the opposite for me. I legit once woke up and heard someone calling for me. After talking to them right after waking up i went to my room and immediently attempted door hanging. There was no real trigger i just felt like it after talking to them immediatly. I failed and i didnt pass out like people say it just really hurt i stayed there for like 30 seconds until i couldnt take it anymore. I tried it like 10x until it was time to go to class. Im def doing it wrong. Anyone have resources for doorknob hanging?

 

[Abyssal]

Had one recently and went for it. Usually it's more just really intense ideation at worst, I have the willpower to endure that, but I haven't attempted 6 times for nothing. When I am ready to die I really go for it.

 

[rozeske]

Its the opposite for me. I legit once woke up and heard someone calling for me. After talking to them right after waking up i went to my room and immediently attempted door hanging. There was no real trigger i just felt like it after talking to them immediatly. I failed and i didnt pass out like people say it just really hurt i stayed there for like 30 seconds until i couldnt take it anymore. I tried it like 10x until it was time to go to class. Im def doing it wrong. Anyone have resources for doorknob hanging?

I only attempted once and failed but it was pretty devastating. I can only imagine how you are feeling. It really is frustrating. Partial hanging seems easy to do but is a bit difficult. Full suspension seems fool proof but that shit scares me. The hanging megathread does seem to help (it's a lot of pages but the last few can be helpful enough)

 

[UKscotty]

Lol yes me too.

Most days infact the random thought will come to me that it's time to CTB... usually out of no where. I have to be careful not to say it out loud sometimes, is quite weird.

Sadly, SI kicks in fast.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

It's the opposite for me. I'm thinking about suicide all day and have random small burst when I don't think about it.

 

[CocoToxBase]

For me my mind just doesn't shut off. Professionals are looking into diagnosis for ADHD or Autism. You know how people can just unwind and go asleep, not for me. I can stay up for hours and hours just thinking and talking to myself. But when my trauma happened last year me thinking like I used to about random stuff has now turned into thinking about suicide constantly and it's alls I think about. I fascinate on suicide and I could lie in bed and make plans on ways to CTB. I can and do make a full suicide plan within a few hours of starring at a wall because my brain is always at 10x speed. I could be on a nice peaceful walk somewhere with my dog and I'll walk past something and my brain is like 'oh you could easily kill yourself on that' 'imagine if you just jumped off that' 'that's a nife over hanging tree to hang off'. It's like I have a suicidal partner living in my head rent free.

And then if something bad happens and causes me distress sometimes I'll act upon these thoughts impulsively. But because I done it impulsively I fail the attempt because my brain isn't thinking like I usually think so I miss parts of the plan out or something just goes wrong.

The amount of time I've spent driving to CTB spots I've looked up and walk around with my bright torch at 1,2,3,4 am when no one is around is beyond me. Sometimes I just like to climb up things and sit on the edge listening to music. One time I managed to get into a viaduct with an active train line but it was at 2am and I knew no trains were on. I sat on the edge of the viaduct with a 120ft drop and just listened to NF for like 4 hours. It started becoming light and as soon as I stepped foot off the viaduct to climb back down I heard the rails make a noise and within 2 minutes there comes a train flying past me at like 70mph scared the living shit out of me because I was so close to the tracks. Then I thought dang is I didn't start moving 5 minutes later then that train would have hit me because I had no where else to do due to it being a one way train track. But yeah that's my point of view and how I think
For me my mind just doesn't shut off. Professionals are looking into diagnosis for ADHD or Autism. You know how people can just unwind and go asleep, not for me. I can stay up for hours and hours just thinking and talking to myself. But when my trauma happened last year me thinking like how I used to about random stuff has now turned into thinking about suicide constantly and it's alls I think about. I fascinate on suicide and I could lie in bed and make plans on ways to CTB. I can and do make a full suicide plan within a few hours of starring at a wall because my brain is always at 10x speed and I literally imagine the situation so well in my head it may aswell be true. I could be on a nice peaceful walk somewhere with my dog and I'll walk past something and my brain is like 'oh you could easily kill yourself on that' 'imagine if you just jumped off that lol' 'that's a nice over hanging tree to hang off'. It's like I have a suicidal partner living in my head rent free.

And then if something bad happens and causes me distress sometimes I'll act upon these thoughts impulsively but because I done it impulsively I fail the attempt because my brain isn't thinking like I usually think so I miss parts of the plan out or something just goes wrong.

The amount of time I've spent driving to CTB spots I've looked up and walk around with my bright torch at 1,2,3,4 am when no one is around is beyond me. Sometimes I just like to climb up things and sit on the edge listening to NF. One time I managed to get onto a viaduct with an active train line but it was at 2am and I knew no trains were on. I sat on the edge of the viaduct with a 120ft drop and just listened to NF for like 4 hours. It started becoming light and as soon as I stepped foot off the viaduct to climb back down I heard the rails make a noise and within a minute there comes a train flying past me at like 70mph scared the living shit out of me because I was so close to the tracks. Then I thought dang if I didn't start moving 5 minutes earlier then that train would have hit me because I had no where else to go due to it being a one way train track. But yeah that's my point of view and how I think, not sure if anyone else thinks and acts the way I do but it's a strange one for sure

 

[0000000000000]

In december i was extremely tempted to use a method i have, but i didn't act because i want to ensure that the next attempt has a very low probability of survival. I don't want to try then wake up and realize i'm still in this shitty world

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I do get random urges to die but I'd be stupid to do it impulsively considering it would be more likely to fail and make things inconvenient for me. I also sometimes fluctuate into days where wanting to die is the default and I still get random bursts of optimism that also just get in the way more than help me at all. Living in general is a nuisance to me and picturing my death often serves as the brief comfort fighting that off.

 

[puella]

When you get an impulsive feeling of wanting to CTB, just wait on it for a day or two. You can reassess how you feel after waiting.

"I can always kill myself tomorrow," is a good reminder. And once tomorrow comes, you can decide to say it again.

I'm here for you, if messaging someone about it could help you think through how you feel. I would hurt to see you CTB impulsively.

 

[MiMif]

For me my mind just doesn't shut off. Professionals are looking into diagnosis for ADHD or Autism. You know how people can just unwind and go asleep, not for me. I can stay up for hours and hours just thinking and talking to myself. But when my trauma happened last year me thinking like I used to about random stuff has now turned into thinking about suicide constantly and it's alls I think about. I fascinate on suicide and I could lie in bed and make plans on ways to CTB. I can and do make a full suicide plan within a few hours of starring at a wall because my brain is always at 10x speed. I could be on a nice peaceful walk somewhere with my dog and I'll walk past something and my brain is like 'oh you could easily kill yourself on that' 'imagine if you just jumped off that' 'that's a nife over hanging tree to hang off'. It's like I have a suicidal partner living in my head rent free.

And then if something bad happens and causes me distress sometimes I'll act upon these thoughts impulsively. But because I done it impulsively I fail the attempt because my brain isn't thinking like I usually think so I miss parts of the plan out or something just goes wrong.

This is honestly something i can relate too. Im always thinking about suicide at the back of my mind anx whenever i pass by a tree or anything tall i think about whether or not it would be a good hanging spot. And i dont sleep till 4 am and always just let my thoughts take over me...after a while of doing that ive realized i cant be happy on this planet. I sometimes fully think out my ctb plan...planning on doing it the next day but when i wake up and go to the place to do it..it either ends up harder then i imagined or SI kicks in.

I have no one who actually understands me so ive created another me...called MIMIF lol. I created her to look like me with a few differnences and shes the one i talk to at night

I do get random urges to die but I'd be stupid to do it impulsively considering it would be more likely to fail and make things inconvenient for me. I also sometimes fluctuate into days where wanting to die is the default and I still get random bursts of optimism that also just get in the way more than help me at all. Living in general is a nuisance to me and picturing my death often serves as the brief comfort fighting that off.

Honestly at this point with all my failed attempts its passed 10 by now im sure maybe even 15. Ive actually been waiting for a bomb to drop on me or someone to murder me. I keep fascinating about a man in hoody or a tall slenderman-like smiling creature (Idky) just coming at me with a knife and me picking up my organs cause he stabbed me so much. I also imagine ominous smiling creatures ending it. Im starting to think theres no way for me to end it myself cause when i have a gun in my hands its not as easy to pull the trigger as i thought. Its heavy and i really feel the weight of what im about to do when i have it in my hands and SI kicks in, that and also the gun i have is kinda really hard to pull the trigger as its heavy.

im going crazy at this point ive been watching gore to help me fuel the idea of someone murdering me. I need to catch the bus.

 

[Rumi]

Nah i havent been here for a while. But i was looking at my old post...Ive said i was gonna kill myself atleast 3x...Im still here.

I probably have a personality disorder. But like randomly I am determined today is the day without even planning anything out. Its not like anything specific happens that day I just am staring up at the cieling at 3 am or waking up one morning and deciding today is the day. I never go through with it though. I mean i try but I fail.

I watched this anime recently called wonder egg priority and it said something that got me thinking. It said male suicide is acted upon having a goal and eager to succeed while female suicides are based on emotions. Not sure the truth of that statement but honestly i feel that its true for me. Maybe im too emotional...but i really do wanna die. Im too lazy to even come up with a good plan to do it though. I just decide to ctb randomly and always fail.

If it's any consolation, most CTBs are impulsive, particularly if people have access to lethal methods like jumping or guns. If you live in the U.S or East Asia, where lethal methods are accessible, chances are that you will CTB at some point.

Unfortunately I live in Europe where getting anything is literally impossible. Can't get guns, hardly any high rise buildings, good quality coal is hard to get, not as many hard drugs as other places, it just sucks.

Because of that, if you try to CTB on impulse, you are guaranteed to fail.