Venting i feel extreme hatred i cant think straight anymore

[miekorevvv]

ever since childhood ive always been like that nerdy kid who tries his max to achieve whatever his parents want but since im a human i sometimes fail and eventuallly end up abused a lot just like when i failed at some national exam when i as 12 yo which led to the entire summer hearing insluts and literally forced to wake up by my dad at 7 am getting forced while my mom is out of the work unaware of any of this out of the home and forced like to do some labor as a punishment cuz failing made me a traitor and a very bad person then when i got 15 i actually succeded this time but instead of congratulating i got insulted saying that i only succeded cuz other didnt and i dont deserve it by dad ofc and then comes the most important year of my life where i am 19 where i had that exam that determines my entire future (i live in a country using some failed outdated educational system no wonder ppl are fleeing) and unluckey at that year i got my only real friend who was online vanishing and we used to be mutually in love and i only knew the reason literally 2 weeks ago after she cameback randomly 1 month ago which was a lie about she kept for 2 years and seriously i hated how not even she admit that it was not her fault for lying about it cuz appearntly she wasnt at the right state of mind but also to project it on me as if i had known the truth from the beginning her aside which if i had id never talk with her and i actually ended up succeding with a decent and not very high score (40k had the exam 18k succeed im rank 2k) and literally the whole summer last year was me getting over and over insulted and threatned to get hit and had my phone and anything being an escape of this life confiscated and getting called over and over again loser and a terrible person and literally basically breaking the promise of 7years that consists me studying abroad cuz obv no future here thing is its not his duty to really pay money for my higher studies but wat bothered me really was how he lied (i was forced to study in the 4th hardest high school but i didnt fail intentionally cuz they kept the hop that i will study abroad) then to justify his actions and not sound greedy to other ppl he made the excuse that im not ready and im not a reliable person and in order to proof this he abused me the entire summer as a pretext of making me a "man" then ofc forcing me to choose smth here which i did and even tho bro decided to not pay a single penny for my studies (i literally live in a uni dorm 200km away from my home that is also 5km away from the uni in question where i literally paid it through the money i saved myself cuz ofc he doesnt need to pay for a loser (my dad is actually rich btw)) the funny thing is i actually despite not willing at all to do it i actually studied in the first semester a lot and literally i found nothing in exchange turns out that uni was corrupt (which is common here) and ofc they wont believe a word i say in this matter of fact i ofc got acused of not studying and playing (bro started insulting me over actually paying for my food and actually basic life supplies (part time job doesnt exist here) where he also forced me to not go back to my hometown unless urgent or once a month cuz ofc im not a "man" and will never be) and since i got poor grades im now considered as playing and not srs and ofc i keep getting threats daily and actually i got physically abused not long ago by him
seriously all of this making me feel too much hatred and spite towards everything i already tried suicide multiple times and got mocked for it by saying that i shouldnt make him waste money on the rope im getting extreme resentment and hatred my heart feels too hot and too much pain its preventing me from sleep or doing anything and literally almost had two heart attacks cuz im by nature too cold blooded and ive been bottling this up a lot i feel too much hatred