That is a nice way to think about things - how we haven't always felt this way... Thank you for sharing that. I'd say looking back I probably haven't always felt this way. Before moving countries, when I was younger perhaps before age 11, I felt I belonged more and had more of a community and wasn't always so scared of feeling judged by others either. This was before the depressive feelings and suicidal thoughts began too. I don't remember much of my time before though honestly. I don't remember many memories or have many happy memories despite being fortunate and having loving parents. It's like as every year has passed by I lose more and more memories of any previous happiness and more parts of me, the important parts of who I was before this.
I think knowing you can't go back in time too to change things hurts. Knowing what could have been, the lost potential and the pain I'll cause to my family whom I know love me. But I just can't stay any longer and not for others anymore either... I wonder if you understand this?
It's so hard to speak openly about these feelings in real life to anyone. There have been periods in life that have felt the opposite though. I believe I've been diagnosed with bipolar so experience high periods occasionally and they are the complete opposite but last too short a time. And even during these periods of intense happiness, still things don't change and I become 'too much' for the people around me and crash right back to where I was before afterwards, to a life without meaning. It's like a never ending cycle I can't end unless through ctb. This also means that if and when I do seek 'help' it always ends up in everyone insisting on medications and I never feel like I have any choice in the matter. Everyone just seems to want you functional enough to appear normal and work, your actual quality of life or the way you feel internally does not matter. It's such a disappointment... All the 'help' I've received even though I'm still young too. I am curious about the ketamine therapy though, did you find it helped you long term or only short term? Thank you for your reply and I'm sorry you feel this way too.
Yeah so it's totally our depression/CTB thoughts that skew and distort our thinking into making us believe that we don't belong. That we don't fit in. These feelings were never pervasive outside of my depressed states.
It's OK to not remember or have forgotten memories, especially if you faced trauma in your life. This is also very true if you are on bipolar meds. I am not 100% sure how the psychology works but experiencing trauma will cause you to not remember events. That is very true for me also. Over the last 15 years I experienced a lot of trauma and I have difficulty recollecting even good memories from the period (hint: people trying to remind me of the memories and I have no recollection of them).
And the other part with bipolar meds will also fuck up your memory big time like it did with me. After years of being medicated for supposedly being bipolar (that's another story for another day) I've come to the conclusion that I'm NOT bipolar and I suffer from trauma which closely resembles bipolar symptoms. I've taken myself off all bipolar meds cold turkey and guess what? My memory is coming back.
Yeah and I totally relate to the not being able to go back and change things, the lost potential, lost opportunities, lost chances, etc. I'm 44 now and I've been living under someone's spell for the last 13/14 years and I'm finally starting to pick myself back up again build my life from scratch. So yeah recovery IS possible and it is very much doable despite what your brain may tell you.
And it is very much possible to live a healthy and happy lifestyle WITHOUT meds. I feel that people are overly medicated and people can live happy lives with simple (but hard to implement lifestyle changes). I'm living proof of that. I stopped taking ALL psych meds since July 2024 and made a lot of changes in my life and I'm at the best I've ever been despite having desire to CTB here and there.
Ketamine therapy is amazing but it's also very difficult to get around if you have a bipolar diagnosis in the past. It has helped me for the last 2 months. My ways of thinking now are radically different because of neuroplasticity, ketamine allows for the brain to heal its wiring. Getting ketamine therapy was difficult because of my bipolar diagnosis but it is very possible to get the treatment you need and deserve.
Sorry for rambling, feel free to DM me if you have questions. I feel like your story seems a little similar to mine. Also it's very difficult to talk to people about these topics because most have never dealt with these things so yeah feel free to DM if you want to talk
