Borderline
Borderline Personality Disorder
- Aug 8, 2023
- 79
TLDR at the bottom 
In my early days it started with alcohol and cigarettes. Smoked from the age of 16-22 then stopped. During that time also smoked weed daily for a few months then stopped as well. Never was a full blown alcoholic but from the age of 16 to my late 20's in used to drink a lot, every weekend lots of vodka, got severely drunk and party'ed a lot. During the week sometimes had a few beers. Definitely psychologically addicted - badly - and to some degree physically as well, cravings were brutal at times.
Then got into Kratom and drank less and less, used Kratom more and more. A wonderful plan in my opinion but it has it's dangers, be aware of them! Because I always suffered from episodic migraines my whole life and then they turned chronic, daily, 24/7, I had to medicate heavily to not immediately CTB. It became chronic after kicking just 7 months of mother-f'ing SSRI Celexa (gave me 4 months of severe withdrawal - worst drug of all in my opinion, on top didn't help at all and turned my character completely, messed me up, almost cost me my marriage and I never fully returned back to normal, some damage was left behind for good - on top of the chrnoic migraines I have to deal with now).
So then no migraine medication worked for me, NONE! Couldn't just take excessive amounts of acetaminophen anymore, liver started to degrade. Didn't help that much anyway, just a enough to not immediately kill myself.
Then I tried opioids with HUGE success! First Tilidin (only availbale in some European countries and common here). It helped so damn much, killed an attack within minutes!
After 1.5 years my tolerance was simply ridiculous and it wouldn't work well anymore, reducing dose and tolerance didn't help either.
Then one doctor (god bless her!) had the courage to help me. It's off label use and she could get in trouble for that and it's hard on her budget since it's damn expensive (for health insurance) which is why the insurance might bother her. Tried oxycodone - bad, made my pain even worse and I passed out all the time. Then tried hydromorphone - best drug so far for my pain! Barely any side effects and takes away my pain better than anything I ever tried before!
Since that stupid slow release doesn't do shit for me and never did, I have to crush them. I need it to work fast and hard when an attack is present. I'm on around 50-80mg per day, at times even more during bad phases. Then always dose down during better less painful phases to not further escalate my tolerance. Been taking it for 3 years now and doing well on it. But it has a short half life and withdrawal is BRUTAL, simply unbearable! Hits me every single day cause I save it for the worst time of the day. Withdrawal in the morning, small dose (2/3 of a pill) at around noon just to keep WDs at bay (nothing for pain) and in the late afternoon / evening I take the majority of them (3-4 whole pills in a short time). The evening dose can get me high if I dose high enough (tolerance is very high already of course) - can be beautiful to escape reality for a short time. I can also choose to just kill the pain and stay clear minded if I have stuff to do (husband + father + single income etc.) So I'm heavily addicted to that shit now, there's no way around it and if you crush you're making things only worse, but it happens either way...My wife know that I would have CTB'd without this medication and has migraines herself and knows the pain. She still hates it being married to an opioid addict and it fuels most of our fights. But without it I'd not be able to leave bed I think and would have to take that many NSAID's (which I rarely take nowadays since the opioid) that they would destroy my organs within a few months making my CTB if I like it or not. It's the lesser evil...
Sorry for my huge post I tend to write A LOT and get made fun of by my coworkers and bosses all the time Thanks for reading my friends. Wishing you all the best in life and the after-life!
TLDR: first cigarettes and weed, then alcohol, then Kratom, then opioids (legitimate prescriptions for pain): hydromorphone, pretty bad nowadays but a necessity
In my early days it started with alcohol and cigarettes. Smoked from the age of 16-22 then stopped. During that time also smoked weed daily for a few months then stopped as well. Never was a full blown alcoholic but from the age of 16 to my late 20's in used to drink a lot, every weekend lots of vodka, got severely drunk and party'ed a lot. During the week sometimes had a few beers. Definitely psychologically addicted - badly - and to some degree physically as well, cravings were brutal at times.
Then got into Kratom and drank less and less, used Kratom more and more. A wonderful plan in my opinion but it has it's dangers, be aware of them! Because I always suffered from episodic migraines my whole life and then they turned chronic, daily, 24/7, I had to medicate heavily to not immediately CTB. It became chronic after kicking just 7 months of mother-f'ing SSRI Celexa (gave me 4 months of severe withdrawal - worst drug of all in my opinion, on top didn't help at all and turned my character completely, messed me up, almost cost me my marriage and I never fully returned back to normal, some damage was left behind for good - on top of the chrnoic migraines I have to deal with now
).So then no migraine medication worked for me, NONE! Couldn't just take excessive amounts of acetaminophen anymore, liver started to degrade. Didn't help that much anyway, just a enough to not immediately kill myself.
Then I tried opioids with HUGE success! First Tilidin (only availbale in some European countries and common here). It helped so damn much, killed an attack within minutes!
After 1.5 years my tolerance was simply ridiculous and it wouldn't work well anymore, reducing dose and tolerance didn't help either.
Then one doctor (god bless her!) had the courage to help me. It's off label use and she could get in trouble for that and it's hard on her budget since it's damn expensive (for health insurance) which is why the insurance might bother her. Tried oxycodone - bad, made my pain even worse and I passed out all the time. Then tried hydromorphone - best drug so far for my pain! Barely any side effects and takes away my pain better than anything I ever tried before!
Since that stupid slow release doesn't do shit for me and never did, I have to crush them. I need it to work fast and hard when an attack is present. I'm on around 50-80mg per day, at times even more during bad phases. Then always dose down during better less painful phases to not further escalate my tolerance. Been taking it for 3 years now and doing well on it. But it has a short half life and withdrawal is BRUTAL, simply unbearable! Hits me every single day cause I save it for the worst time of the day. Withdrawal in the morning, small dose (2/3 of a pill) at around noon just to keep WDs at bay (nothing for pain) and in the late afternoon / evening I take the majority of them (3-4 whole pills in a short time). The evening dose can get me high if I dose high enough (tolerance is very high already of course) - can be beautiful to escape reality for a short time. I can also choose to just kill the pain and stay clear minded if I have stuff to do (husband + father + single income etc.) So I'm heavily addicted to that shit now, there's no way around it and if you crush you're making things only worse, but it happens either way...My wife know that I would have CTB'd without this medication and has migraines herself and knows the pain. She still hates it being married to an opioid addict and it fuels most of our fights. But without it I'd not be able to leave bed I think and would have to take that many NSAID's (which I rarely take nowadays since the opioid) that they would destroy my organs within a few months making my CTB if I like it or not. It's the lesser evil...
Sorry for my huge post I tend to write A LOT and get made fun of by my coworkers and bosses all the time
Thanks for reading my friends. Wishing you all the best in life and the after-life!TLDR: first cigarettes and weed, then alcohol, then Kratom, then opioids (legitimate prescriptions for pain): hydromorphone, pretty bad nowadays but a necessity
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