Venting Do you ever wonder if you’re actually mentally ill?

[bubo]

I heavily apologize if this is in the wrong category or such, or if there are any noticeable grammar mistakes. I'm Indonesian so English isn't my first language, and also I'm quite drunk as of writing this. (Unfortunately, I only feel capable of writing anything or doing any even slightly coherent when I'm drunk at this point.)

Do you ever feel as if you're mot actually mentally ill? Anyone reading this is free to answer as they wish, even if it's incoherent I'd love to hear it. Often times when I was a teenager (I admit I ran away when I was 17.) I would be called "lazy" or that I "just wasn't doing good enough." I think this is common for mentally ill people to be told. Often times by normal society who are well-functioning adults we are told we're just lazy or don't feel like doing anything. How many times have you felt like calling sick into work because you're just so suicidal you wish you were dead instead of having to get out of bed? Or if you're unemployed, how many times have you wished you were dead instead of having to get out of bed to do anything at all?

Recently, I quit my job. I was working a well paying medical job, but I wish and developed a alcohol and drug addiction. That's a separate issue entirely. Living is just too difficult! Being alive is like being awake during surgery. Yet I feel like my issues aren't bad enough to be taken seriously. I've only been sent to a mental hospital 4 times now. 3 times a short-term, and once a long-term. Many people have been 8 or 10 times, haven't they? This isn't to degrade anyone who has been the amount of time as me or maybe never even gone entirely. Your issues are entirely valid. But for me specifically, even if I acknowledge other people's issues I can't acknowledge my own. Does anyone else feel like this? I've began to feel worthless with this sort of negativity towards oneself. I wish I could write my words more flowery or say something meaningful. Something that would resonate with people, that people could go "I experienced this too!" Or "I feel this same way!" But instead I'm stuck here drinking bard liquor, barely able to type a word.

Many people surely feel this way, but maybe I need reassurance? It's funny how social human beings are, right? I'm agoraphobic and schizophrenic, I'm scared of the sun to a degree that isn't normal. I feel afraid whenever I walk even to my front door, I have panic attacks even just doing that. It's why I had to quit my job, I'm not sure what I'll do now. I'm not married, I'm not engaged, I don't have a husband. I have no family, I have no friends, I don't even have any coworkers I talk to or were casual with. Surely, there's other people like this too, right? But I feel like I'm not actually mentally ill at all. Maybe I am just lazy. I can only blame myself if there's no one else around me right? I apologize if this is incoherent rambling or just doesn't make sense. I just wanted to post this in the first place that maybe, just maybe someone could relate to it in even the slightest way.

 

[DesertLand]

english is not my first language too
i'm totally mentally ill, i'm psychotic and can't work at all
no friend no family
no one who truly care about me
it's destroying me from the inside

 

[bubo]

english is not my first language too
i'm totally mentally ill, i'm psychotic and can't work at all
no friend no family
no one who truly care about me
it's destroying me from the inside

English is hard, isn't it? I only learned it from books. But it's not spoken the way it's written, so it's quite impossible, isn't it? It's okay not to be able to work I think. Our current society, everywhere in the world, sees people who can't work as no lesser than insects or parasites feeding off of those who can't work. But it's not true at all. Even if you can't work, you're no lesser than people who can, you're not worth less value and you're certainly not an insect. I hope when I, and more importantly you, can die we reach enlightenment. The afterlife will be more pleasant, so please look forward to that! I'm obviously not encouraging you to die, but please know that things will be better when you don't have to feel all this guilt and heavy weights. I'm not trying to comfort you, so I apologize if it comes off like that, I'm just trying to say: wouldn't it be nice to do all of your favorite things when you die? No pain, no suffering, just doing what you like to do and having fun! I wish we could all look forward to nice things like this.

 

[DesertLand]

English is hard, isn't it? I only learned it from books. But it's not spoken the way it's written, so it's quite impossible, isn't it? It's okay not to be able to work I think. Our current society, everywhere in the world, sees people who can't work as no lesser than insects or parasites feeding off of those who can't work. But it's not true at all. Even if you can't work, you're no lesser than people who can, you're not worth less value and you're certainly not an insect. I hope when I, and more importantly you, can die we reach enlightenment. The afterlife will be more pleasant, so please look forward to that! I'm obviously not encouraging you to die, but please know that things will be better when you don't have to feel all this guilt and heavy weights. I'm not trying to comfort you, so I apologize if it comes off like that, I'm just trying to say: wouldn't it be nice to do all of your favorite things when you die? No pain, no suffering, just doing what you like to do and having fun! I wish we could all look forward to nice things like this.

i learned english from tv shows and talking with people online, but yes it's hard. and my accent is horrifying
i tried to kill myself already in the past, and people tend to react by treating me like a weak person, an insect, and reject me from their life
since then, i have nobody anymore, and all i do is eat, sleep, and look at my ceiling knowing no one care about me
i just wait death, but i don't know why i feel sad about dying, because i find it unfair how i end up so alone and ill
i know i'm not a bad person, i make stupid choice sometimes but i'm not evil, so why does it have to happen to me?
and why people have to be so mean and without empathy ? i don't know

 

[lumene]

it's hard not to, i've never received any real support nor have i ever really caused much concern for people in the past due to me hiding any issues id have. i'd always get put in extra groups in schools without them telling me why and i still don't know what that was about (my work nd grades were fine), but other than that it's hard for me not to feel like all the effort im putting into getting support now is just being perceived as attention seeking, "faking" or just being a hypochondriac. even while experiencing psychosis and intense manic episodes the doctors just put me on antidepressants to shut me up which made me worse. i'm only rlly saying all this to say that like theres more nuance to this stuff than is let on through most resources nd the idea of diagnoses, and the doctors who r supposed to help with this stuff can be dismissive or straight up ignorant (i had a doctor tell me bipolar disorder isn't real). mental illness is usually thought of as something that just comes prewired in peoples brains, if not caused by childhood trauma, but its far wider reaching than that and developing disorders or becoming mentally unstable as a reaction to merely struggling to live is just as real and valid. it's hard not to internalise the stigma around this stuff even when it gets to the point of completely failing to function but you definitely shouldn't think of it as a moral failing when you cant, this stuff is hard.

 

[niki wonoto]

I'm from Indonesia, and I'm probably much older than you. I've always felt that I might actually have a LOT of undiagnosed 'mental health' issues/problems. The only diagnosed one is my Major Depression, which was back in 2020 (and I'm 100% sure that I'm even still having it right now). It's just sad & frustrating, really, when people dismiss you with all their generic, cliche, simplistic judgments such as: "oh you're just lazy!", or just being a 'pathetic, ungrateful, spoiled, weak, stupid, childish, negative, pessimistic, complainer, no-gooder, loser' you just name it all!

I don't know if it's perhaps because my life still (admittedly) seems to be quite 'okay', or even still quite good, compared to so many people here in my country who are struggling hard (& have it much worse definitely). But, again, it's just really sad & frustrating that people only see what's on the surface level, from the outside, without knowing (nor even care!) what's deep down inside! Suddenly, your problems are just easily dismissed, ignored, or even perhaps laughed/mocked/judged as something 'trivial, petty, pathetic', or even doesn't exist, or as if I'm just faking or making things up! (or just 'making pathetic lame excuses'!), or something like that!

I've probably (most likely, in fact) have what's called the 'existential depression', actually for a (very) long time, like almost 10 years, honestly, even still until now! But, people here especially in my country probably don't even know/understand what it is! Even right now, as I'm writing this, I'm actually afraid that people IRL (in real life) could somehow see this & find this & judge me 'negatively' again! (oh the irony!).

I'm also most likely probably a 'neurodivergent' type, and perhaps even might have some mild 'autistic' spectrum, more like Aspegers (high functioning autism). I might also have anxiety, OCD, ADHD, etc2.

Bottom line is: Nobody knows the real truth about me, because nobody actually really/truly cares! People just only want to judge me/you/us negatively, label us this or that conveniently, without even trying to understand the complexity of the issue/problem! But, we all here do know for sure the fact that all these things actually crippled our lives so much, instead of having a 'normal/normies' life that most people actually do/are!

Sorry if this suddenly gets too long. This is actually a good post/thread that somehow I can deeply relate to.

 

[daruino]

I don't know,, I guess I don't think of myself as "mentally ill",, I have diagnoses but I just feel like, me. I tend to be very in tune with what I think and how I choose to act, but sometimes I do have an episode and when it's over (or sometimes during) it does feel scary how I can also spiral/be "taken over" so easily I guess. That's when I recognize others might call me mentally ill, but even then for me it just feels like a war in my brain.

Idk, maybe I'm also having trouble with this because "mentally ill" carries a lot of negative connotations, just because we aren't able to function "normally" in society. Mental illness is complex but from what I understand it usually develops from a combination of factors, but especially life experiences. Since this lies outside of an one's control, it feels unfair to me to label an individual as mentally ill (in a negative way).

How many times have you felt like calling sick into work because you're just so suicidal you wish you were dead instead of having to get out of bed?

Sometimes I feel like I'm becoming lazy due to being considered mentally ill, and vice versa. Like a positive feedback loop. Sometimes I do feel awful and suicidal when I call in sick, but I'm also able to call in and avoid activities when I'm just lazy due to people knowing I have issues. However isolating myself usually causes me to feel worse and worse. On the other hand, sometimes I really cannot, for example, leave the house as I'll break down, but then I wonder if maybe this is due to me being able to be "lazy" so long.

Yet I feel like my issues aren't bad enough to be taken seriously. I've only been sent to a mental hospital 4 times now. 3 times a short-term, and once a long-term. Many people have been 8 or 10 times, haven't they? This isn't to degrade anyone who has been the amount of time as me or maybe never even gone entirely. Your issues are entirely valid. But for me specifically, even if I acknowledge other people's issues I can't acknowledge my own. Does anyone else feel like this?

Yes, I feel this too with my traumas. I have multiple, but idk. It's just stuff I went through, and I recognize it did affect me very seriously, but I see people who have been through worse but are so strong and able to live "normally" :( It feels kind of embarrassing I'm still letting it affect me so many years later.

I can only really compare it to like imposter syndrome? But for thinking our issues aren't big enough I guess?

By the way, I don't know where you know "many people who have been 8 or 10 times", perhaps on a forum like this, but to any regular person IRL one trip to the mental hospital is already "serious" enough for them to label us mentally ill and treat us like outcasts.

 

[enough of this]

I used to wonder if I were truly mentally ill, but I don't any longer. I know exactly the effects of my upbringing - how I was treated by parents, peers, bullies, teachers... anyone - and I see that my behaviors are reactive to those situations, and that my problems stem from nothing pathological. My brain is perfectly intact.

I no longer seek the help of counselors or, certainly, psychiatrists, because those in the mental-health profession are trained to see the patient's problems in a mechanistic way, not necessarily in a spiritual way, which is what it really is.

There's not a thing wrong with my brain chemistry. But, invariably, a psychiatrist will see my problems as my brain chemistry being out out of balance in some way, and prescribe medications to re-balance it, which ultimately amounts to nothing but a chemical lobotomy.

I do much better on my own with my meditation practices, shadow work, and suggestions I get from others who have experienced issues having to do with their survival agendas not being in alignment with their True Inner Being, which always knows every aspect of their health and happiness.

"It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society." Jiddu Krishnamurti

 

[kuroshimi]

For a very long time I thought that it's my personality trait. I was also being called "lazy" and "not doing good enough" and so on. But at the same time I also felt that something wrong with me and I just don't fit into society.

When I get into uni, the things got worse to me and I became interested in psychiatry. Some time after full-fledged suicide attempt (before I was only engaging in self-harm), I get to the therapist and it finally clicked in my brain - turns out I am actually mentally ill. Not sure about the accuracy of the diagnosis though, but it was something to me.

However, I was diagnosed with mainly depression and anxiety, but I think I also have some kind of ASD and/or ADHD. It's nearly impossible to get such diagnosis in the place where I live as an adult, especially since I never been diagnosed with any kind of mental disorder in childhood or teen years.

I was never taken seriously. My reaction to school bullying and pressure from parents (mainly about my future career) was too harsh, that almost everyone considered me crazy. Never taken to the hospital though, maybe because I didn't have real intentions to die back then, simply some kind of death wish, that stayed inside me.

 

[madameviolette]

i learned english from tv shows and talking with people online, but yes it's hard. and my accent is horrifying
i tried to kill myself already in the past, and people tend to react by treating me like a weak person, an insect, and reject me from their life
since then, i have nobody anymore, and all i do is eat, sleep, and look at my ceiling knowing no one care about me
i just wait death, but i don't know why i feel sad about dying, because i find it unfair how i end up so alone and ill
i know i'm not a bad person, i make stupid choice sometimes but i'm not evil, so why does it have to happen to me?
and why people have to be so mean and without empathy ? i don't know

Where are you from

 

[fungus]

I heavily apologize if this is in the wrong category or such, or if there are any noticeable grammar mistakes. I'm Indonesian so English isn't my first language, and also I'm quite drunk as of writing this. (Unfortunately, I only feel capable of writing anything or doing any even slightly coherent when I'm drunk at this point.)

Do you ever feel as if you're mot actually mentally ill? Anyone reading this is free to answer as they wish, even if it's incoherent I'd love to hear it. Often times when I was a teenager (I admit I ran away when I was 17.) I would be called "lazy" or that I "just wasn't doing good enough." I think this is common for mentally ill people to be told. Often times by normal society who are well-functioning adults we are told we're just lazy or don't feel like doing anything. How many times have you felt like calling sick into work because you're just so suicidal you wish you were dead instead of having to get out of bed? Or if you're unemployed, how many times have you wished you were dead instead of having to get out of bed to do anything at all?

Recently, I quit my job. I was working a well paying medical job, but I wish and developed a alcohol and drug addiction. That's a separate issue entirely. Living is just too difficult! Being alive is like being awake during surgery. Yet I feel like my issues aren't bad enough to be taken seriously. I've only been sent to a mental hospital 4 times now. 3 times a short-term, and once a long-term. Many people have been 8 or 10 times, haven't they? This isn't to degrade anyone who has been the amount of time as me or maybe never even gone entirely. Your issues are entirely valid. But for me specifically, even if I acknowledge other people's issues I can't acknowledge my own. Does anyone else feel like this? I've began to feel worthless with this sort of negativity towards oneself. I wish I could write my words more flowery or say something meaningful. Something that would resonate with people, that people could go "I experienced this too!" Or "I feel this same way!" But instead I'm stuck here drinking bard liquor, barely able to type a word.

Many people surely feel this way, but maybe I need reassurance? It's funny how social human beings are, right? I'm agoraphobic and schizophrenic, I'm scared of the sun to a degree that isn't normal. I feel afraid whenever I walk even to my front door, I have panic attacks even just doing that. It's why I had to quit my job, I'm not sure what I'll do now. I'm not married, I'm not engaged, I don't have a husband. I have no family, I have no friends, I don't even have any coworkers I talk to or were casual with. Surely, there's other people like this too, right? But I feel like I'm not actually mentally ill at all. Maybe I am just lazy. I can only blame myself if there's no one else around me right? I apologize if this is incoherent rambling or just doesn't make sense. I just wanted to post this in the first place that maybe, just maybe someone could relate to it in even the slightest way.

I guess it isn't really possible to compare how serious someones mental illnes is. There will always be people who have been worse or better, but I also find it really hard to aknowledge my own mental problems in comparison to others. Often I feel like it isn't enough to wine about and I am just attention seeking.

Espacially because people around me don't really see my problems. Like if I would be physicly sick it would be different. Nobody would tell me to just 'keep going' even if it goes over what I am able to do. They would not push me more and more and put their ridiculous expectations on me.
But because mental Illness is not visible it isn't taken serious.
People often don't know how it feels and they don't know what they should do if they are confronted with someone who is f.e depressed. So they look away or expect the other person to be happy as fast as possible again.

And I think that makes it also hard to see oneself as actual Ill.
It also doesn't feel like a normal sickness. For most people it is a big part of their life, sometimes even personality at some point if it is their for a long time. And when you forget how it feels to not be Ill, then it is the normal state.

When I talked to my therapist for the first time, she was a little bit suprised/disturbed about the way I talked about ctb and hurting myself etc. Because for her it was part of her job but not a dayly struggel she had to go trough herself, while I dealt with it for years. It wasn't shocking for me or disturbing it was part of me. My view of normal was completly different from hers

 

[violetforever]

i just look at my family and know for sure that i never had a chance to be anything other than mentally ill like all of them. at least 4 generations of mental illness and abuse that i'm aware of. i bet it goes back even farther than that, i just never knew or heard about family beyond my great grandparents.

 

[maylurker]

Do you ever feel as if you're mot actually mentally ill?

i thought im good until recent because i never thought about the reasons why i cant get close with most people but it seems like yeah

mafuyu pfp is hard

 

[fruitninjamaster]

The only time I felt mentally ill was when I weighed 85lbs at 16, and they didn't even hospitalize me then...