Discussion Do you ever feel like you're too deep into it to stop?

[dmdmdm]

Do you?

 

[DeadAtNight]

Yes, I do. I've always thought that I may stop one day and move on with other things. But no, it comes back. The depression and pessimism is far too strong now, and the only way I'll ever get out of this flawed mind of mine is to end it all.

 

[dmdmdm]

Yes, I do. I've always thought that I may stop one day and move on with other things. But no, it comes back. The depression and pessimism is far too strong now, and the only way I'll ever get out of this flawed mind of mine is to end it all.

Too real

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Absolutely yes.
A lifetime of untreatable mental illness has ruined my life.
I am too far gone now to even want to get better.
I'm alive on the outside, yet inside I have died.
I just need to kill this flesh-prison body now and terminate my existence.

 

[avaruus]

Yes, realistically there is nothing thats going to stop me.

 

[BlazingBob]

Absolutely yes.
A lifetime of untreatable mental illness has ruined my life.
I am too far gone now to even want to get better.
I'm alive on the outside, yet inside I have died.
I just need to kill this flesh-prison body now and terminate my existence.

Well put. I feel exactly the same. After so many literally decades and so many ultimately futile attempts to get better I don't even want to anymore. I just want to cast off this rotting meat suit and not exist. I hope to be gone by the holidays. Not like I have any family or loved ones to spend them with.

 

[february in alaska]

Yep. I feel like I was in too deep from the beginning, though. I feel like the last time I actually had a chance was when I was a really little kid, and even then I think things would probably have always ended up this way one way or another. If I had the chance to go back and do it all differently, I wouldn't even want to. I just want it to be over.

 

[FuneralCry]

The question is too vague, I'm not sure what "it" means in the title, I'm assuming it's about wanting to die judging by what other people have written. In my case no matter what I will always want to cease existing, I don't see any value in this meaningless and harmful existence, only the thought of falling asleep eternally comforts me and only wanting to die feels rational to me. Existence wasn't something desirable in the first place.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Well put. I feel exactly the same. After so many literally decades and so many ultimately futile attempts to get better I don't even want to anymore. I just want to cast off this rotting meat suit and not exist. I hope to be gone by the holidays. Not like I have any family or loved ones to spend them with.

Me too my friend, sorry you are going through this too.
Several decades of mental illness beats the crap out of you until you have no fight left to give.
I'm too old for this shitshow world anymore anyway.
Im completely alone in this hellish existence and fully intend to be gone for Xmas.

 

[dustinspector]

I'm currently there, I'm feeling less scared and more ready each day. Idk how I feel about it though

 

[borderlinee]

Yes, I don't think it matters anymore, even if I was living a pretty good normal life. Tho it's more for philosophical reasons, the damage has been done. I don't wanna risk anymore suffering in the future, I'm not sure when I'm gonna ctb, but I don't wanna experience all of the horrors of capitalism and climate change.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Yes, I don't think it matters anymore, even if I was living a pretty good normal life. Tho it's more for philosophical reasons, the damage has been done. I don't wanna risk anymore suffering in the future, I'm not sure when I'm gonna ctb, but I don't wanna experience all of the horrors of capitalism and climate change.

Me too.
I have clinical depression and bipolar 1, yet my main reason for wanting to terminate my existence is due to a major existential crisis.
This world is a hellish freakshow.

 

[Immensevoid]

Do you?

Unfortunately yes, I thought this abyss into which my life fell had a bottom but for me it wasn't like that, I'm going further and further down and I'm drowning in this abyss of suffering and problems without being able to resurface.

 

[hellispink]

I am too awake (mentally spiritually physically). There is no going back once you reach that state. You realize this experience is not worth all this pain. Can i stay here knowing all that, i think it's impossible. It would require me to be sleeping like a slave and that would need a miracle

 

[Heart Failures]

Yes, I do. I've always thought that I may stop one day and move on with other things. But no, it comes back. The depression and pessimism is far too strong now, and the only way I'll ever get out of this flawed mind of mine is to end it all.

As a survivor, I can say to you I am very grateful for the amazing 40 years I was gifted.

I felt exactly like you, I promise...

And I have joined this site because I AM going to kill myself.

I have a degenerative, fatal disease, which I intend to escape before I am totally disabled.

I am grateful for the 40 amazing years I had after 21, when I almost killed myself. The 21 year old, suicidally depressed me could not have imagined this life. I am so glad I failed to kill myself.

 

[borderlinee]

Me too.
I have clinical depression and bipolar 1, yet my main reason for wanting to terminate my existence is due to a major existential crisis.
This world is a hellish freakshow.

Yup, similar situation here, been diagnosed with bpd, adhd, sad, ocd and some other stuff. I don't see a reason for healing, the world is already hell and it's only gonna get so much worse. I've gotten too deep in philosophy, there's really no going back for me.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Yup, similar situation here, been diagnosed with bpd, adhd, sad, ocd and some other stuff. I don't see a reason for healing, the world is already hell and it's only gonna get so much worse. I've gotten too deep in philosophy, there's really no going back for me.

Yes, it's beyond awful. I don't want to get better because only more and more suffering lies ahead.
It's all just pointless, meaningless suffering. There's absolutely nothing to look forward to , because it's just like you say, the world is descending into chaos.
I've been struggling for far too long now with mental illness that cannot be cured.
There's no fight left in me anymore. I just want to lay down and die.
So sorry you are going through this too.

I am too awake (mentally spiritually physically). There is no going back once you reach that state. You realize this experience is not worth all this pain. Can i stay here knowing all that, i think it's impossible. It would require me to be sleeping like a slave and that would need a miracle

Yes. The knowledge of seeing the truth behind this prison realm cannot be unseen. You can never be the same again.

 

[SpiritualDeath]

I get it. The existential pessimism in me is growing deeper each day and I feel that it's inevitably leading to my ctb. I don't intend to stop it.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I get it. The existential pessimism in me is growing deeper each day and I feel that it's inevitably leading to my ctb. I don't intend to stop it.

Neither do I, I can't imagine any possible thing that I'd stop for.

 

[loopdaloop]

Pragmatically there are still preparations I want to do beforehand but mentally I'm too deep into it, it's more like a marathon to ctb rather than a sprint but the choice has been made already at the start of the run and I'm not backing off (though I respect others who do choose to quit in the middle, it's up to the individual)

 

[Lys_C15H25N3O_d3]

yes

"so whats keeping you?"
if i take the whole stuff = vomit = fail
cant follow some guides due to lack of opioids (sure they would fix everything id jump of a cliff smiling even.. in fact would easily do if not the "body" is having all kinds of weird reactions... just fainting at looking at .. how can one possibly achieve success if without fasting some thoughts make you dissy cold sweat , faint, vomit saliva , arghn

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I get it. The existential pessimism in me is growing deeper each day and I feel that it's inevitably leading to my ctb. I don't intend to stop it.

Yes, for me it's not my mental illness but a major existential crisis that is the driving force behind my needing to ctb.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I worry more for what will happen to me if I don't do it. (CTB.) But no- I could try to 'recover' if I wanted to. I don't want to.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Pragmatically there are still preparations I want to do beforehand but mentally I'm too deep into it, it's more like a marathon to ctb rather than a sprint but the choice has been made already at the start of the run and I'm not backing off (though I respect others who do choose to quit in the middle, it's up to the individual)

This is 100% me. I'm not backing off either.

 

[Passersby]

Yes. I've been past the point of no return for a long time now. I have always questioned existence, felt weird and too aware anyway. Life is nothing but work to try to do maintenance and minimize the current suffering. We are all going to age and with that things will get worse. I can keep fighting and putting on bandaids, pretending and going along with life but I know deep down inside time is running out and it needs to be done.

 

[alterationitfinds]

yea, i've got something to prove now. the more i try and fail the more it eggs me on to try again. it's like i've got to prove to myself that all of this heartache and illness and pain was not in vein because i WILL succeed

 

[kilowatt]

Even if I magically feel better about myself and my life something or someone, probably even myself, will find a way to ruin it and get back into the spiral. I choose to CTB because I'm so tired of this cycle, getting my hopes up that things are going well and it'll stay that way then everything falls apart and I question where did I go wrong and why do I deserve this. I must've done something really bad if the universe really takes it's revenge on me like this. I don't want to fight it anymore, I accept defeat. The way of life is such a burden to me. I've never been more motivated to do something about it and finally reach peace.

 

[Someday_Somehow32]

I'm pretty far in now in, I would like to think there's a chance out but even I know that it would be unlikely.

 

[kyuuketsuki]

i wish there were a way out for me, but i don't really think there is. i could improve my situation a little, but i don't know if there's anything that could genuinely make me stop wanting to die.
it might just be part of how i think, given i grew up feeling this way. i've always sort of known that whenever i die, it will be my own doing.

 

[LonelyKitten]

Tbh, I wish I could try again/further, just go back to my life.
But I impulsively burnt down all the things I loved and cared about.
Not just that, but I subsequently burnt down the vain cope and comfort I succumbed to, that made this all happen in the first place.

At this point, I can't go back to either.
So there is rationally no more way out.
All that is left is to play my life like one of those old escape games.

I can tell now that SI is far more powerful than I gave it credit for, even with the rational side of things. All I can do anymore, I guess, is keep trying, keep practicing, for this one final "mission".