do you always want to die?

[InTheAbyss]

Yes. The severity of it comes and goes but it's always there.

 

[waistcoat]

most of the day for most days i am idly day dreaming about my ctb

 

[TheVanishingPoint]

To be honest, I've never sought help or tried to recover. I've never wanted a therapist to convince me to find pleasure in what I consider disgusting regardless, because this existence is disgusting. I don't believe there are happy people in the world; I think happiness is another lie told to make what is actually rotten more palatable. There's nothing holding me back, there's no wavering in my mind between wanting to exist and never wanting to exist again. My will is always the same: I have no desire to exist, and there are no ups or downs, there never have been.

 

[kunikuzushi]

Mine is very consistent because it's not a feeling, but rather I like my choice of dying and have almost come to peace with it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's fairly constant for me. The most positive level I seem to reach is- Things aren't so bad just now but, I'd still be ok with dying. (Before they get worse again!)

 

[Unicron]

I don't have any fluctuations what-so-ever. I don't want to be here and really don't know how I still am.

 

[SomedayorNexttime]

For me my will/desire to live can vary drastically from one day to the next without much reason -- one day I'll feel horrified that I ever tried to kill myself and the next I could be planning out how to make it work better the next time I try. It's actually really exhausting. I was wondering if others also experience this kind of thing, or if the desire to die is more consistent, etc?

The underlying desire is consistent for me. Sometimes I think, I'm not that bad. Other times I think, I need to go, now. But every time I still think I need to take myself out.

 

[califtom]

I've been hospitalized 6 times, I've tried therapy, I've tried medication, none of it helped and sometimes, it even made me worse. I no longer trust the mental health system and I want to stay as far away from it as possible.

I can relate. Last time I reached out for help I ended up with thousands in medical debt. I won't make that mistake again.

 

[WhiteSkinRedBlood]

There hasn't been a single day in my entire life where I wouldn't have welcomed death if it came to me.

 

[kopebaldy]

My head constantly switches between suicidal thoughts and hope, I'm talking about minutes or even seconds in-between.

One second I'm drinking my favorite beverage and the next I got pissed or depressed because of dumb trivial shit like the ice wasn't cold enough or some shit.

These days, my head is getting significantly more incontrollable with my only source of stress relief is gone (my PC).

Quite frankly it's exhausting and downright ridiculous. Just choose one, asshole, stop switching.