Do I want to keep trying to live or...?

[ChiseHatori]

I'm literally so tired, it's 5AM right now and I've just been up completely lost in my head.

I'm just wondering if I actually want to try living or if that's my guilt and SI talking.

I'm gonna rapid fire just list everything that fucks with me so you get a sense for why (like most of us here) I can't stop thinking about CTB.

- Trans
- PTSD (therapist surprised me with that diagnosis but it explained so much)
- Fibromyalgia
- Autistic
- OCD
- Carpal Tunnel (fucks with my art)
- Extremely dumb academically (not even a high school diploma or GED... I tried.)
- Chronic Migraines (where I can't function for multiple days sometimes)
- Unemployed (I take commissions but they don't make much money)
- Relying on my ex husband and his family (they gave me a room and money for food... and they're nice to me... unlike my birth family... I really don't deserve it.)
- No parental support... barely any direct family (dad CTB'd early and mom is a whole other can of worms)
- Long distance with my bf of three years, the one person who truly understands me (even knows I'm on this site)
- Touch starved
- Snapping a lot more lately/new anger issues? (Holding a lot of grudges as well)
- Overall just severely depressed

There's certainly more but I don't see the point - I don't really wanna be pitied (even if it entirely looks that way). I'm mostly doing this just to get it all out in text form.

CTB would be so easy if it wasn't for SI... yet even still a not small part of me wants to live. Why? I don't want to live like this. I feel like a broken person...

 

[carac]

Well only you can decide that.

I would just say don't be overwhelmed by everything you have going on and feel like you have to beat everything individually. What I've found is that everything could be interelated so if you sort out one aspect everything else could fall into place.

For example, you have certain personalty types Trans/Autistic/OCD which can make it difficult to fit into society, interact with people, build relatioships, you can be open to bullying and isolation. This can then lead to frustration, anger, anxiety and depression, which can then manifest or excacerbate health conditions like Fibromylgia, migraines, Carpel Tunnel.

You aren't going to be able to take a pill and change your personality you are who are you. But maybe you can understand yourself better, see where you fit in, get support, be happy with yourself to some extent and everything else may follow.