Leonard_Bangley39
I am a rock. I am an island
- Nov 6, 2025
- 313
I feel like shit. Im at work typing this out. idk why, work has been alright. I just feel like shit. I like to listen to scary story podcasts while working but i couldnt concentrate on the story so i just switched to my music playlist and for hours now ive just been stuck in my own mind.
I just want to cut. i want to crash out. i keep fantasizing different scenarios in my head. like crashing out while hanging out with all my sisters, screaming all the things ive wanted to say to them before grabbing a knife and stabbing both my arms as hard as i can. then waking up in the hospital later on and telling my sisters i hate them before rotting away in some psych ward.
i miss my mom. i miss her so much. my best memory of her was watching various anime with her on our living room tv during the covid pandemic when i was stuck with online classes junior year. her favorite anime was one piece. she was in the army, she deployed in places like korea and afghanistan so she was intrigued when i told her it was about pirates. she likes historical stuff.
she really did like it. we watched the whole thing together. all 900+ episodes at the time. she'd always ask me when the newest episode was coming out. we were up to episode 987 before she died in the hospital when i was 17. i feel like even today, it never really registered with me that shes gone.
One day, for my birthday my mom gave me a knife. she liked knives. It was a damascus steel switch blade with a white handle. it wasnt much, but i liked it. a few years ago when i became homeless at 19, that knife was one of the things i took with me. it would help me feel safe, knowing that i had that knife on me in case anything happened.
One day, i decided to check into a homeless shelter in Milwaukee because i was new to Wisconsin and i needed a way to acquire proof of residency so i could apply for a Wisconsin ID. While i was checking in, they took the knife away because obviously you cant bring weapons into a homeless shelter. I only stayed for a single night because i just wanted a proof of residency letter form them. i tried to get my knife back after i checked out but they said i couldnt have it, all weapons are secured in a lockbox and sent to the police department. i never got that knife back
while i was working a little bit ago, i started thinking about that knife. that switchblade was the last physical thing that i had with me to remember my mom. And it dawned on me. It's been years, that knife has most likely been destroyed now. It's gone. The knife she gave me for me birthday, the only thing i had to remember her by, it's gone.
I really do have nothing to live for. Im tired of everything. nobody around me understands me. not even my sisters. we grew up in the same shitty household with the same abusive dad, and yet i feel like I can't relate to them a single bit. we had the same upbringing and yet we're completely different.
i tried. i tried so hard. even while i was homeless, i tried so hard to be something. i never gave up hope back then. i wanted to persevere. I keep trying. But i just keep. on. failing. No matter what i do, no matter how hard i try, it always just ends in failure. But the hardest part, the part that hurts the most, is that i have to watch everyone around me succeed at the same time. like my sisters.
I performed mediocre in school, i was placed in a behavioral school in middle school and was stuck there until my sophmore year. it didnt help that i moved around so much, i never got to stay in one school long so i never made any real connections. my two sisters were always honor students, taking ap classes and making lots of friends. after they graduated they went to vanderbilt, a fucking top class university, and got degrees. after i graduated, i went to some random college in texas but because i didnt have a car and was living with the oldest of my three sisters, i had to take online classes which didnt work out for me and i eventually dropped out. I worked and got fired from a bunch of dead end jobs, eventually became homeless, and after almost half a year i enrolled in jobcorps to learn welding.
Y'know, everyone always jokes about people getting useless degrees and being left with hundreds of thousands of student debt. everyone always say that if you want a decent, good paying job, you should learn a trade. I finished my course in jobcorps l, learned stick, mig, and flux core welding. i couldnt find a single job. not one. I did everything right. i did what i was supposed to, i tried so fucking hard, and i still failed. meanwhile, one sister got her nursing degree and is doing good, one started her own nail salon business and makes six fucking figures just to paint fucking nails, and my oldest sister lives with her husband and has three kids.
that was when i first became truly suicidal. no matter what i do, i just cant win. i cant so anything right. i tried so fucking hard. i never had many friends growing up. i used to be more sociable when i was a kid, but somewhere along the road that went away. looking back, i could tell people only kept me around because i was the lolcow of the group. the weird little autistic kid they could laugh at. i get along with people ok i guess, but i have no real friends irl. i could get along with classmates or coworkers, but id never hang out or do anything outside of school or work. not my sisters.
i never had any girlfriends or anything romantic or intimate like that growing up. i was never interested in it back in school, never cared. now i feel so lonely it feels like it'll kill me. ive tried dating apps like tinder multiple times throughout my life. constantly experimenting with my pictures and bio, trying to make them as good as possible. i even payed for tinder's stupid fucking subscription at one point. and even with that i still got almost no matches ever. and the few matches i did get would either never reply, or would turn out to be scammers or people selling onlyfans.
meanwhile, the sister who got married recently literally found her now husband and father of their upcoming child on tinder. fucking tinder. but i can never express my frustrations with them because whenever i try they never understand. its like we live in two completely different worlds. they care but they cant understand. and the other sister runs through boyfriends like a revolving door. it feels like no matter what, im always in the wrong too. fucking christ. i didnt even notice until it happened but i started tearing up while typing this out. it feels like with every word i type, i lose more and more hope.
i love them, i really do. they're my family, the only close family i have. I love them, but i just cant stop myself from hating them. i just feel so bitter when i look at them. its wrong, but i cant push back that feeling. how would i even tell any of them this? how do i tell my sister that going to her wedding and witnessing the happiest day of her life was the final push that motivated me to try and kill myself?
a few weeks ago when i cut myself and i accidentally hit a vein, i should've just let it kill me. i should've hopped into a bath and let myself bleed out. or better yet, i should've gone through with my first plan and died back in tokyo. the only reason i ever changed my mind back then was for my friend. she told me about her struggles and how she's had multiple friends in the past that committed suicide and how she remembers those days every year.
i didnt want to become another day for her to have to remember every year back then. i didnt want to do that to her. but now, it feels like thats not enough reason for me anymore. it feels like im running out of reasons. theres nothing left to hope for. nothing left to bother trying to achieve. i have nothing to live for. im stuck working night shift at a grocery store for 18 dollars an hour. i can barely build up any savings because rent and other utilities take up almost half my monthly income and almost every week it feels like something comes up that forces me to spend more. like that fucking medical bill.
im never gonna find a better job. the job market is fucked. ill never be able to build up a good amount of savings and retire. ill never find true friends. ill never find love. ill never start a family. ill never lead a happy fulfilling life. i have nothing to hope for in the future. the fear of death itself and the nothingness after is the only thing that stops me. but who knows for how long
I just want to cut. i want to crash out. i keep fantasizing different scenarios in my head. like crashing out while hanging out with all my sisters, screaming all the things ive wanted to say to them before grabbing a knife and stabbing both my arms as hard as i can. then waking up in the hospital later on and telling my sisters i hate them before rotting away in some psych ward.
i miss my mom. i miss her so much. my best memory of her was watching various anime with her on our living room tv during the covid pandemic when i was stuck with online classes junior year. her favorite anime was one piece. she was in the army, she deployed in places like korea and afghanistan so she was intrigued when i told her it was about pirates. she likes historical stuff.
she really did like it. we watched the whole thing together. all 900+ episodes at the time. she'd always ask me when the newest episode was coming out. we were up to episode 987 before she died in the hospital when i was 17. i feel like even today, it never really registered with me that shes gone.
One day, for my birthday my mom gave me a knife. she liked knives. It was a damascus steel switch blade with a white handle. it wasnt much, but i liked it. a few years ago when i became homeless at 19, that knife was one of the things i took with me. it would help me feel safe, knowing that i had that knife on me in case anything happened.
One day, i decided to check into a homeless shelter in Milwaukee because i was new to Wisconsin and i needed a way to acquire proof of residency so i could apply for a Wisconsin ID. While i was checking in, they took the knife away because obviously you cant bring weapons into a homeless shelter. I only stayed for a single night because i just wanted a proof of residency letter form them. i tried to get my knife back after i checked out but they said i couldnt have it, all weapons are secured in a lockbox and sent to the police department. i never got that knife back
while i was working a little bit ago, i started thinking about that knife. that switchblade was the last physical thing that i had with me to remember my mom. And it dawned on me. It's been years, that knife has most likely been destroyed now. It's gone. The knife she gave me for me birthday, the only thing i had to remember her by, it's gone.
I really do have nothing to live for. Im tired of everything. nobody around me understands me. not even my sisters. we grew up in the same shitty household with the same abusive dad, and yet i feel like I can't relate to them a single bit. we had the same upbringing and yet we're completely different.
i tried. i tried so hard. even while i was homeless, i tried so hard to be something. i never gave up hope back then. i wanted to persevere. I keep trying. But i just keep. on. failing. No matter what i do, no matter how hard i try, it always just ends in failure. But the hardest part, the part that hurts the most, is that i have to watch everyone around me succeed at the same time. like my sisters.
I performed mediocre in school, i was placed in a behavioral school in middle school and was stuck there until my sophmore year. it didnt help that i moved around so much, i never got to stay in one school long so i never made any real connections. my two sisters were always honor students, taking ap classes and making lots of friends. after they graduated they went to vanderbilt, a fucking top class university, and got degrees. after i graduated, i went to some random college in texas but because i didnt have a car and was living with the oldest of my three sisters, i had to take online classes which didnt work out for me and i eventually dropped out. I worked and got fired from a bunch of dead end jobs, eventually became homeless, and after almost half a year i enrolled in jobcorps to learn welding.
Y'know, everyone always jokes about people getting useless degrees and being left with hundreds of thousands of student debt. everyone always say that if you want a decent, good paying job, you should learn a trade. I finished my course in jobcorps l, learned stick, mig, and flux core welding. i couldnt find a single job. not one. I did everything right. i did what i was supposed to, i tried so fucking hard, and i still failed. meanwhile, one sister got her nursing degree and is doing good, one started her own nail salon business and makes six fucking figures just to paint fucking nails, and my oldest sister lives with her husband and has three kids.
that was when i first became truly suicidal. no matter what i do, i just cant win. i cant so anything right. i tried so fucking hard. i never had many friends growing up. i used to be more sociable when i was a kid, but somewhere along the road that went away. looking back, i could tell people only kept me around because i was the lolcow of the group. the weird little autistic kid they could laugh at. i get along with people ok i guess, but i have no real friends irl. i could get along with classmates or coworkers, but id never hang out or do anything outside of school or work. not my sisters.
i never had any girlfriends or anything romantic or intimate like that growing up. i was never interested in it back in school, never cared. now i feel so lonely it feels like it'll kill me. ive tried dating apps like tinder multiple times throughout my life. constantly experimenting with my pictures and bio, trying to make them as good as possible. i even payed for tinder's stupid fucking subscription at one point. and even with that i still got almost no matches ever. and the few matches i did get would either never reply, or would turn out to be scammers or people selling onlyfans.
meanwhile, the sister who got married recently literally found her now husband and father of their upcoming child on tinder. fucking tinder. but i can never express my frustrations with them because whenever i try they never understand. its like we live in two completely different worlds. they care but they cant understand. and the other sister runs through boyfriends like a revolving door. it feels like no matter what, im always in the wrong too. fucking christ. i didnt even notice until it happened but i started tearing up while typing this out. it feels like with every word i type, i lose more and more hope.
i love them, i really do. they're my family, the only close family i have. I love them, but i just cant stop myself from hating them. i just feel so bitter when i look at them. its wrong, but i cant push back that feeling. how would i even tell any of them this? how do i tell my sister that going to her wedding and witnessing the happiest day of her life was the final push that motivated me to try and kill myself?
a few weeks ago when i cut myself and i accidentally hit a vein, i should've just let it kill me. i should've hopped into a bath and let myself bleed out. or better yet, i should've gone through with my first plan and died back in tokyo. the only reason i ever changed my mind back then was for my friend. she told me about her struggles and how she's had multiple friends in the past that committed suicide and how she remembers those days every year.
i didnt want to become another day for her to have to remember every year back then. i didnt want to do that to her. but now, it feels like thats not enough reason for me anymore. it feels like im running out of reasons. theres nothing left to hope for. nothing left to bother trying to achieve. i have nothing to live for. im stuck working night shift at a grocery store for 18 dollars an hour. i can barely build up any savings because rent and other utilities take up almost half my monthly income and almost every week it feels like something comes up that forces me to spend more. like that fucking medical bill.
im never gonna find a better job. the job market is fucked. ill never be able to build up a good amount of savings and retire. ill never find true friends. ill never find love. ill never start a family. ill never lead a happy fulfilling life. i have nothing to hope for in the future. the fear of death itself and the nothingness after is the only thing that stops me. but who knows for how long
im so sorry life has been rough.. i wish i could give you a hug. living in this world is deeply unfair. the system is evil. i wish you the best.. you seem like such a sweet person:( you deserve better. sending love
