3FailedAttemptss
trans girl (｀・ω・´)
- Jan 22, 2025
- 269
Soooo… I don't know what to do? I was so set on suicide with like 10-20 attempts at this point but then this handsome trans man stumbled into my life. Its amazing— we met at the same schizo psychiatric center and we're T4T and all. Anyways, I'd be dead if it weren't for him, no doubt about it. I've still had two attempts after I started dating him (old habits die hard I guess).
Recently I was in the psych ward where I spoke to another suicidal patient my age and they planned to break up with their girlfriend to protect her incase the fellow patient CTB'd. I guess that's planted the seed of thought in my mind, not that I'd ever break up with my bf just that maybe I should look out for him and not be so selfish? If I CTB i would literally be killing my boyfriend's girlfriend???
I dont know what to do, I feel strange— I haven't felt like this in a while. I feel a mix of being scared and the usual ambivalence?? I guess what I'm trying to gauge is if I should voluntarily check myself into the ward this time solely with my boyfriend in mind and doing whats best for him, AKA not murdering his girlfriend. On the other hand, I dont feel as suicidal as I usually am?? I have SN so I always start fast timers after each meal just in case I need to CTB, and Ill look at a fast timer of 10+ hours and think "nah I dont want to CTB this time" ?????!!! which is new to me, is my boyfriend changing my suicidality?? Though my suicidality is also compulsive due to my schizophrenia so the two attempts Ive had since we started dating weren't cause I felt bad I was attempting just cause I could, which could strike at any moment.
I know I'll go straight back to square one if he drops me, and by square one I mean I'll fucking kill myself if he drops me.
Recently I was in the psych ward where I spoke to another suicidal patient my age and they planned to break up with their girlfriend to protect her incase the fellow patient CTB'd. I guess that's planted the seed of thought in my mind, not that I'd ever break up with my bf just that maybe I should look out for him and not be so selfish? If I CTB i would literally be killing my boyfriend's girlfriend???
I dont know what to do, I feel strange— I haven't felt like this in a while. I feel a mix of being scared and the usual ambivalence?? I guess what I'm trying to gauge is if I should voluntarily check myself into the ward this time solely with my boyfriend in mind and doing whats best for him, AKA not murdering his girlfriend. On the other hand, I dont feel as suicidal as I usually am?? I have SN so I always start fast timers after each meal just in case I need to CTB, and Ill look at a fast timer of 10+ hours and think "nah I dont want to CTB this time" ?????!!! which is new to me, is my boyfriend changing my suicidality?? Though my suicidality is also compulsive due to my schizophrenia so the two attempts Ive had since we started dating weren't cause I felt bad I was attempting just cause I could, which could strike at any moment.
I know I'll go straight back to square one if he drops me, and by square one I mean I'll fucking kill myself if he drops me.
