I think this is just a vent thread but man I am stuck in this place where I know exactly what I need to buy to ctb but it's so difficult to actually go out and do it. I keep going to the store and look at the things and then walk out without them.
My plan is to ctb the same way my sister died last year (exit bag using helium). As I was the one who found her and also helped clean out her appartment and threw away her exit bag I have a clear idea of what she used and how it was assembled. I have read guides here too. I've seen where she bought what online too in her browser history. I know the brand of helium and the size she used and I know it works. But whenever I decide I should finally buy it and practice assembling it so I can have it in my closet for when I am ready to go I feel so sick and can't bring myself to buy it.
Because even if I want to die too this is the stuff that killed my sister and it has such a dark aura for me when I see that helium brand and the packaging, I am suddenly back in my sister's appartment and in shock. I can't bring myself to put this in my cart and the thought of having it in my closet til I use it makes me sick, like having it near me will make me go insane. But this is the only feasible way to die for me as it seems to be relatively quick and painless and clean. I need to practice. I think it would give me confidence to see I can do it.
I am just rambling here.
This sounds messed up but I wish my sister was here to reassure me I can assemble it like she did. But if she hadn't died I probably wouldn't have become suicidal again to begin with. She should have taken me with her right away there is no way I will live a happy life without her here.
My plan is to ctb the same way my sister died last year (exit bag using helium). As I was the one who found her and also helped clean out her appartment and threw away her exit bag I have a clear idea of what she used and how it was assembled. I have read guides here too. I've seen where she bought what online too in her browser history. I know the brand of helium and the size she used and I know it works. But whenever I decide I should finally buy it and practice assembling it so I can have it in my closet for when I am ready to go I feel so sick and can't bring myself to buy it.
Because even if I want to die too this is the stuff that killed my sister and it has such a dark aura for me when I see that helium brand and the packaging, I am suddenly back in my sister's appartment and in shock. I can't bring myself to put this in my cart and the thought of having it in my closet til I use it makes me sick, like having it near me will make me go insane. But this is the only feasible way to die for me as it seems to be relatively quick and painless and clean. I need to practice. I think it would give me confidence to see I can do it.
I am just rambling here.
This sounds messed up but I wish my sister was here to reassure me I can assemble it like she did. But if she hadn't died I probably wouldn't have become suicidal again to begin with. She should have taken me with her right away there is no way I will live a happy life without her here.
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