There wasn't a choice for me in the poll. I swore I was never gonna have kids. I had had to raise my brothers and sisters and I didn't want the burden of kids to get in the way of ME finally getting to be a kid when I left home at 18. I went crazy! Lol
Then, even though I took all the normal precautions, at 24, I found myself single and pregnant with my first child. I had always said I would just get an abortion if I found myself with child. Funny, when the doc told me my test was positive I was estatic. Absolutely tickled to death. Go figure. That child made me so happy!! He was my life.
Then I married and had more kids. I was in heaven. For the first time in my life I was truly happy and had found a purpose other than drinking and partying and fucking my pain away. I spent my time being the perfect wife and mother. Only my alcoholic husband decided he didn't like being tied down. Literally told me he realized that kids were not something he wanted. (It was his idea to have the kids we shared.)
So ..... Off I went. He never paid a dime of child support. I nor the kids ever saw him again. I raised my kids best I could but my narcissist mother and my brothers and sisters who bought her line hook, line and sinker (I was the scapegoat) convince my kids I was a horrible mom and hated them when they were teenagers. I lost my world. The suicidal tendencies and thoughts and SH came back BIG TIME.
Then recently, after I joined up here, I took a chance and texted one of my kids. I figured I might as well try and if it didn't work out then that would be my sign that my purpose here really was done and I could move on with a clear conscious. Imagine my surprise when he told me he had missed me and he loves me and wanted to have a relationship with me!
So, now I am in a bit of a recovery. I still have the urges to ctb and sh, but I can't hurt my son like that. He told me that the time we were apart his biggest fear was that I was gonna die before he could work up the nerve to contact me. Or worse that I would really be like his grandma had said I was.
I am now here for as long as he needs me. Hopefully, in time, I can connect with my other children. But if they don't want me in their lives, I understand and will respect their wishes. Thing is if I never get in touch with them I will never know so it is worth the risk of rejection. That way the wondering and the what ifs can stop and maybe we ALL can have the peace we deserve instead of the hell my mom was intent on putting us all in. I hope that bitch is enjoying Hell.
Then, even though I took all the normal precautions, at 24, I found myself single and pregnant with my first child. I had always said I would just get an abortion if I found myself with child. Funny, when the doc told me my test was positive I was estatic. Absolutely tickled to death. Go figure. That child made me so happy!! He was my life.
Then I married and had more kids. I was in heaven. For the first time in my life I was truly happy and had found a purpose other than drinking and partying and fucking my pain away. I spent my time being the perfect wife and mother. Only my alcoholic husband decided he didn't like being tied down. Literally told me he realized that kids were not something he wanted. (It was his idea to have the kids we shared.)
So ..... Off I went. He never paid a dime of child support. I nor the kids ever saw him again. I raised my kids best I could but my narcissist mother and my brothers and sisters who bought her line hook, line and sinker (I was the scapegoat) convince my kids I was a horrible mom and hated them when they were teenagers. I lost my world. The suicidal tendencies and thoughts and SH came back BIG TIME.
Then recently, after I joined up here, I took a chance and texted one of my kids. I figured I might as well try and if it didn't work out then that would be my sign that my purpose here really was done and I could move on with a clear conscious. Imagine my surprise when he told me he had missed me and he loves me and wanted to have a relationship with me!
So, now I am in a bit of a recovery. I still have the urges to ctb and sh, but I can't hurt my son like that. He told me that the time we were apart his biggest fear was that I was gonna die before he could work up the nerve to contact me. Or worse that I would really be like his grandma had said I was.
I am now here for as long as he needs me. Hopefully, in time, I can connect with my other children. But if they don't want me in their lives, I understand and will respect their wishes. Thing is if I never get in touch with them I will never know so it is worth the risk of rejection. That way the wondering and the what ifs can stop and maybe we ALL can have the peace we deserve instead of the hell my mom was intent on putting us all in. I hope that bitch is enjoying Hell.
