Resource Death Diary

[Nirrend]

Hi everyone,

I hope you are doing well !

I'm creating this topic here because I think I've decided to end it and I'm pretty sure ctb is the right choice.

I will document here the psychological states I go through, the methods I will adopt to overcome SI, my preparation and I will try as best I can, when the day comes, to detail what will happen. So I will describe my current state of mind:
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I don't feel anxious, I just feel a deep pain in my heart. Time is long and if I were definitely ready, I think I would do it tonight. The last few times have not allowed me to meditate on life after death and prepare myself to disappear, so today marks a long process of acceptance, rationalization and de-dramatization of what I plan to do. I have an idea about the date and the method, but I think I will talk about it later and when things are really done.

I feel at the moment, a great sadness, a painful haze. I wish only one thing, to exchange with people going through this kind of period, to feel less alone. I have a thought for all the missing members and I wonder how they feel now. Finally, I will surely continue to write my farewell note while listening to the most appropriate music to let the emotions speak. As strange as it may seem, I find it sublime to leave a memory of us, frozen in time, to people. That way, they and we will only keep positive things about who they and we were.
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And you guys, how are you ? :)

Peace on you <3

 

[FuneralCry]

To answer the question, I am always tired of living as usual.
Thank you for deciding to share your thoughts. I hope that you are able to find relief from the suffering you experience, I wish you the best with what you are doing.

 

[Nirrend]

Thank you <3, I wish you courage too

I will try to be as informative as possible in this thread

 

[Nirrend]

I forgot to mention but, I will create a scale from 0 to 10 regarding suicidal thoughts to see how a state can fluctuate from day to day.

Suicidal thoughts Scale (0-4 without scenario) (5-10 with scenario):
0 - No desire to ctb
1 - Mild reactionary thoughts, moving on is easy
2 - Strong presence but thinking otherwise is still possible
3 - Strong presence and discomfort, thinking otherwise is difficult
4 - Impactful presence with rationalization of intentions
5 - Impactful presence, rationalized and scripted
6 - Impactful presence, rationalized, scripted, affecting mood, pleasure in activities and social relationships
7 - Constant, streamlined presence, associated with isolation and inner withdrawal
8 - Established planning, rationalized, great discomfort, and detachment from oneself and the environment
9 - Powerful desire, emotional emptiness, powerlessness and feelings of paralysis
10 - Sudden good mood, absolute acceptance of ctb, very close or imminent act
*11 - Acting out in progress*

Yesterday i was at 8/10
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Today I feel calm, I have some ambitions that do not project further than in 1 month. I feel the desire to enjoy the time I have left and the desire to finish is moderate.

I will let the time pass today and try to write my notes even if I don't feel like it. I watch and read about things related to death. Although I may feel a little anxious, I persist in looking at these things until the end and after a while, I manage to calm down.

My mood is 5/10
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I wish you a good day :)

 

[Nirrend]

Hi everyone, I'm here to report my feelings today

Yesterday (July 6) I think my mood was 5/10 again but with a little bit of anxiety about ctb, as people intruded on my day, making me feel guilty about having to left them.

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Today, the malaise is slowly setting in and I feel the need to actively think about my end because I know that my mind is trying to fool me into believing that the few good moments I have been able to live represent what life is all about. But I know that's not true, at least for me.

I am proud of the few items I will leave to my loved ones and I am still working on finalizing the gifts I plan to make. The urge to continue writing my farewell message is not coming to me.

Despite the fact that my script is clear, it tends to escape me and my mind takes refuge in falsely pleasant and ambitious things in life but I don't want to. I plan to take advantage of being alone to prepare myself ctb (which is paradoxical because I know that the only way I can be happy is to consider ctb).

I'm thinking about enjoying the next few weeks while giving myself as last deadline, the next few months.

I think I will smoke, look at the sky and let my emotions carry me, they will allow me to realize what I really have in me and to get serious about my project.

It's not easy to alternate between suicidality and sudden joy, I almost forget that nothing has ever made me happy, maybe because I feel alienated from life.

My mood is 6/10
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I wish you a good evening, stay strong! <3

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening, as usual, I come to make the report

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So to start, in the morning I saw a post from a SS member sharing pictures of the consequences of SN on the human body. I have to admit that it shocked me quite a bit and I was suddenly scared about death.

But I tried to visualize the bodies of my deceased loved ones, even if it was not easy at first, by imagining them in their graves. Some of them died 10 years ago, others more recently, and I forced myself to imagine what they might look like today.

Surprisingly, it calmed me down very quickly, because while I was visualizing it, I was thinking that they must be at peace and I ended up managing to re-associate death with something peaceful, poetic.

Thanks to that, my desire to ctb came back.

Finally, I've been emotionally paralyzed since last night, just irritable and struggling to feel anything (anger, joy, sadness). But thankfully, as I write these words, a tiny bit of emotion is coming back and my urge to ctb is slightly increased.

I make the connection that, having been diagnosed BPD almost 10 years ago now, this could explain going from nothing at all to suddenly, great joy.

My mood is 8/10 but currently, the great discomfort I feel could be related to this absolute lack of feeling.
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Peace on you <3

 

[DownSince2000]

Thanks for sharing. I know it's an odd thing, but I enjoy reading your entries and like your approach to documenting how you feel. Curious, did you develop the thoughts scale? I like getting nerdy about data and am thinking of co-oping it and tracking my own thoughts over time.

 

[Nirrend]

Hi :)

I thank you and i'm glad to see that this topic can be useful, because basically I'm just trying to understand when one can really feel ready to ctb and I wanted to see how much the suicidal crisis can fluctuate!

For the suicidal thoughts scale, I created it but I was inspired by what professionals use to classify the severity of the psychological state (Doctors, nurses, WHO ...)

Then in reality, keeping this journal also allows me to see where I am and my final goal is to overcome SI. I had already made a topic about relativizing death (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...our-anxiety-repost-because-of-an-error.91180/) and I know that the only real obstacle that awaits me today is this one!

I think I will look into and publish on SI with all that I have gathered on this topic when my mind won't have other choices and will need to confront this

I wish you a good day !

 

[AloneInCollege]

I forgot to mention but, I will create a scale from 0 to 10 regarding suicidal thoughts to see how a state can fluctuate from day to day.

Suicidal thoughts Scale (0-4 without scenario) (5-10 with scenario):
0 - No desire to ctb
1 - Mild reactionary thoughts, moving on is easy
2 - Strong presence but thinking otherwise is still possible
3 - Strong presence and discomfort, thinking otherwise is difficult
4 - Impactful presence with rationalization of intentions
5 - Impactful presence, rationalized and scripted
6 - Impactful presence, rationalized, scripted, affecting mood, pleasure in activities and social relationships
7 - Constant, streamlined presence, associated with isolation and inner withdrawal
8 - Established planning, rationalized, great discomfort, and detachment from oneself and the environment
9 - Powerful desire, emotional emptiness, powerlessness and feelings of paralysis
10 - Sudden good mood, absolute acceptance of ctb, very close or imminent act
*11 - Acting out in progress*

Yesterday i was at 8/10
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Today I feel calm, I have some ambitions that do not project further than in 1 month. I feel the desire to enjoy the time I have left and the desire to finish is moderate.

I will let the time pass today and try to write my notes even if I don't feel like it. I watch and read about things related to death. Although I may feel a little anxious, I persist in looking at these things until the end and after a while, I manage to calm down.

My mood is 5/10
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I wish you a good day :)

Hello, I am just seeing your diary today. I think it's great that you're writing down your thoughts daily. I hope it can help you in whatever actions you take. I really like this scale you made and will probably use it in my own journaling if that's OK. Btw what does the term "scenario" mean as you use it here?

 

[Nirrend]

Hi and thanks :) <3

Of course, use it as you wish, the goal was to make it useful!

By scenario I mean a storyline where the means we'll use, the place, and the date are all thought out, without there being an established sequence of events in detail.

Just saying "I want ctb" does not imply a scenario for example

But imagining such month/date, method, place implies a scenario

Finally, when I talk about planning (in point 8), I mean that everything is clear and in detail, it's not just a project that you imagine how it will happen in a general way, it's much more precise (for example, i wake up at 8AM, near 9AM i take benzo, then i leave a note on my desk and finally near 10AM i leave my house with the SN...)

I hope this helps you :)!

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening, I come to make my report of the day, once again. (Sorry for the following long message)

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I am sick and it tires me a lot. Lately it's very difficult to really understand and know where I stand, I still don't feel any emotion, I'm tired, I'm indifferent to everything and easily irritable. But I think I have understood something.

Finally, when I think about the moments when I am the most in prey to my desire to ctb, it is especially when I feel that nothing animates me anymore. Right now, I'm so caught up in preparing for my departure and it's something that's so close to my heart that I think that motivation takes precedence over my desire to disappear. However, it gives me this paradoxical feeling that on the surface "everything is fine". I'll probably see soon if my desire to die will come back and I think it will come back when I've done all I have to do, because I'll be faced with the absence of a future again.

This is going to sound very narcissistic but, in fact, I think this is the right track for the simple reason that earlier, when I posted an answer on another member's topic, I said :

"We can imagine a bowl full of balls that we hold in our hands. All these balls are white and only one of them is red, but we don't see it (the red) because it is hidden by this mass of white balls. The red one represents suicide, it is the absolute solution that all people have except that some people are more aware of it than others. Then all the white ones represent projects, goals in life, passions.

In the course of our lives, some of the white balls may be removed, because they may have been accomplished or because we may have questioned our plans...

Sometimes we may also trip and knock some of the white balls out of the bowl onto the floor. When we stumble it is for example because of a depression, a bereavement, a break-up, a dismissal, a low self-esteem ...

Gradually you lose white balls and the red ball becomes more and more visible. This is when the first suicidal ideas are born, but they are easily manageable because there are enough white balls left to not let yourself be defeated.

Then, as the years go by, goals are achieved without any new projects being created, and falls cause balls to be lost, only three balls remain (two white and one red), then two (one white and one red), and finally, one last, the red ball and then you ctb because there's no other options"

And now that I make the connection with what I'm going through, I think that when we get to this point in our existence, the few things that keep us alive are going to be seized by the mind to allow itself to exist a little more.

However, what will happen when my letter, my gifts and the few things I still appreciate will be over ?

I think I will finally be ready

I'll end by writing something that just happened to me. As I was about to write on /10 my mood, I was going to add "I'm sure I want to die". however, I just asked myself the question "Do you really want to die ?" and I got a little anxious.

I think I am far too unprepared.

I plan to meditate and find the answer to my question in the next few days.

My mood is 8/10 but mixed between, "i know that this is the best option" and "do i really want to ctb ?"
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To finish this post, for those who are interested in this phenomenon of sudden joy before the end or when our life expectancy decreases, it is what would be called "the positivity effect". It would be linked to the "Socio-emotional selectivity theory".

To put it simply, this theory says that humans tend to be positive, joyful and prefer what makes them happy when their life expectancy is reduced. That's why someone who has planned his ctb, he is reassured, because the suffering will ends and the life expectancy is reduced. So someone who planned will try to enjoy the few moments left to the maximum.

Maybe this could explain the pleasure I take in preparing everything without losing sight of my plan.

Have a good evening :)

 

[Doombox]

I think I relate to what you've said. I have found that my preparations have weirdly become a reason to live in themselves.

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening, I'm posting late but never mind

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Very early in the morning, I was listening to some music to try and get a feel for it and I came across a member's topic (@Marguerite492).

It said that since she decided to ctb, she started to feel calmer. I found this reassuring and finally these mental processes of preparation seem clearer to me and it is more reassuring.

So as I said to myself, I'm still trying to make the most of the time I have left.

As the day progressed I had a gradual return of my unhappiness, I felt useless and unable to accomplish anything. This feeling reminded me why I could never live a serene life. It rekindled my desire to ctb and my sadness, but it remains light. Many times in the past I have been caught up in episodes of devastation that could last for 2 weeks.

I'm extremely caught up in my preparations to the point where I forget the time is passing. I know, when you read me, you may have the feeling that what I say is always the same, that I don't bring anything to anyone, you're right, I understand you because, whether I'm dead or alive, I would probably have never really existed in this world.

Anyway, let's forget about these self-centered and guilt-ridden words, I'm just ashamed to write this but that's the purpose of this journal and I know that these things can make me look bad.

My mood is 7/10
and paradoxically, when I'm invested in my preparations, I feel a "final push" to accomplish what I have to do, however, at the same time, I feel deeply damaged because for me, my dearest dream would have been to have a friend who would talk with me about the extremely sad topics in life. You know, at night, on a bench smoking and looking at the sky.

I like that, talking about death, nostalgia, I've always been fond of the afterlife and the passing of time. But not in the sense of ctb's fantasy to be at peace, but I used to love these subjects because they touched me deeply, made me feel full of emotions.

When I go on youtube for example and I see written underneath a video "14 years ago", "7 years ago", it destroys me. It's like walking down a road but backwards, I turn my back on the future and see the things that happened to me only when they are moving away from me. I walk, but I only see what is moving away from me every day, what is moving away from me for eternity and I can't stand it, it's too hard.

Today I still do, but I know that ctb is a way to be at one with these things forever.

Ctb is no longer just a thought, but THE project of my entire existence.
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Anyway, I'm thinking of you, I'm really only looking forward to fly in the sky.
Once again I am alone in the middle of the night, just like almost every day. Living is really a purge, I'm sick of it.

 

[Doombox]

Reading what you write is like reading Alice Munro.

 

[Nirrend]

Wow thanks, I don't know how to take that, if it's a compliment it means a lot to me <3

 

[Doombox]

Wow thanks, I don't know how to take that, if it's a compliment it means a lot to me <3

Yes, it's a compliment.

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening everyone, let's get to work!
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I've been experimenting for a week now with writing down my feelings of the day every night and what I can see is that the suicidal crisis lies on a continuum tending more or less towards 7/10 on average (I'll do the final calculation the day before my eternal departure).

What I can see is that philosophising, thinking and soaking up one's inner experience is what healing for one is to killing for another. I mean, maybe for some people, realising that moods fluctuate wildly and that sometimes we can feel "happy" is something that helps them cope. For me, it has the opposite effect. It reminds me of what philosophy used to say. For some people, keeping busy, entertaining, discussing and inventing is a way of not thinking about our miserable existence because, if we don't entertain ourselves, we have too much time to remember that what surrounds us is a lure to keep us from being bored.

Boredom is the phenomenon most indicative of the wretchedness of the individual's existence

I refuse to deny myself and ctb finally becomes something much more honest. I finally understand why suicide is taboo, because the lure people have built for themselves is far too effective.

I also wonder if SI isn't something we inherit from the culture we've embedded ourselves in. Certainly, the survival instinct has a huge genetic and automatic part, but if people talked about suicide in a relaxed way, I'm sure that SI would be 50% less intense.

Again, this morning I was overcome with a deep sense of loneliness and I think I was 99% ready. I think the day I act out, I'll do everything I can to feel deeply sad and I'll make sure I slap myself in the face if I ever try to create illusions of happiness to get by.

At the moment I'm well into my preparations (donating, seeing some people while I still can, creating, drawing, composing...), I think this must be the 3rd time in my life that I'm proud of myself. I feel sad as usual, the music I listen to transports me, I often see this starry sky as an unreachable city at the moment, where people from above can see us, but we can't see them.

Music has become my new heart, because without it, I don't know if I could still feel.

My mood is 7/10, I feel terribly lonely as if my interior was nothing, I continue to dream of those moments of deep discussion in the middle of the night, looking at the sky and smoking. The music I listen to gives me goosebumps and I feel that I have become addicted to the past, while on the other hand, the future seems hostile to me. I think of my dead relatives and of the members of SS who are also dead. I know I will never see them again here and that destroys me (I am not being dramatic; I am deeply sincere) because even though I used to speak very little, I followed everything.

I envy you for having managed to get through the door, because I know that I will need more strength to break the latch.

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Thanks for reading if you are still interested in my writing.

I will probably be looking out my window for a long time, I hope that tonight sleep will decide to catch up with me

I am thinking of you dear SS members, have a good evening <3

 

[Doombox]

I've been on the fence about it for some time, it being the idea that suicide should be more accepted and easy to arrange. I am concerned that society might not seek well-being for all its members if the unhappy ones could simply kill themselves as the cheap solution. It's too easy for the conclusion to become that they should kill themselves.

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening, I'll get started

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Yesterday (07/12), I started to look for methods and, I want to remain vague, I encountered a difficulty. It happened that seeing that I couldn't do what I wanted to do was terrifiying. I was taken over by a deep feeling of anxiety, depression and above all, I had a real feeling of suffocation, like claustrophobia, or feeling trapped.

Since today it's much better, I realised how much the desire to ctb kept me in a state of "serenity" because yesterday, having the impression that none of my projects were achievable, really managed me to imagine that i had no choice and being condamned to face the existence

It's terrifying, but perhaps my reactions reflect the degree to which my intentions are anchored.

So yesterday, seeing myself at a dead end, I was extremely unwell all day, I couldn't think and honestly I was ready to do anything to get rid of myself all day.

Another extremely interesting event is that, before I had encountered the problem I reported above, I had sat down early in the morning at my window to contemplate the dawn with the sun gradually joining the masterpiece created by the stars. Looking up at the sky, smoking and listening to music (again), I remember feeling such emotional pain that my body ached. I thought I should at least take a nap.

And as I fell asleep, I involuntarily started dreaming about my death, having the feeling that I was sinking and never waking up. It was frightening but I started again, imagining myself dying, trying to fake opening my eyes one last time and then not opening them again.

I think that by doing this, I was able to "envision" what it feels like to die and it feels less like an unknown and frightening thing.

My mood was 9/10, I was paralyzed and had to walk around trying to move on.

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As for today (07/13), things have settled down and my feeling of being trapped instantly disappeared. Having stayed up all night trying to figure out how to get out of it.

I have currently no brain power.

Unable to think, partially motivated, slowed down, unable to concentrate.

I felt absolutely nothing today and I think the night will be good for me

My mood is 5/10 because my project is there but it seems so vague.

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To finish today, I sincerely recommend you to imagine closing your eyes and never being able to open them again, it's a unique experience and I think that imagining such things helps a lot to desensitize us from our irrational fears!

I wish you a good evening :) !

 

[Nirrend]

Hello everyone, I am now writing my mood on the last 2 days

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Yesterday (07/14) I was very busy and had little time to myself. It's been a long time since I've touched my farewell letter and it's bothering me, the words don't come and I don't even know if I'll be able to find the motivation to finish it...

Otherwise, to make it simple, as long as my mind is busy, it's fine, I don't suffer too much, but as soon as my relatives tell me things like "You'll see in a year, it will have changed...", my mind stops listening to "In a year", because I don't project very far and I feel that time escapes me.

I've never been so satisfied as when I decided to end it

Finally, at the end of the day yesterday, all the evil came back, the helplessness etc.. You know it in the long run, I don't need to detail what it feels like to have someone crushing your heart in their hand. So there you have it, the pain is back.

I think my mood averaged 6/10, my mind was busy and suddenly being pulled out of the suicidal mood means that every time, you have to repeat this mental preparation work from the beginning.

I think I will isolate myself the last few days, I don't want to fail.

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Today (07/15), well I can't say much, I've been quite busy and my desire to ctb was flashing. Whenever my mind was elsewhere, it came back to me as something extremely reassuring.

For over an hour now I have been able to be alone and confront my questions. I really like to hear myself think, I really like it when my self tells me what it wants and I have managed, I guess, to determine my mood for the day

My mood is 7/10 I feel slightly empty, tired and in a hurry for things to end but I find it hard to feel emotion.

There is no one better to understand us, than ourselves

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I wish you a good evening, I wonder if, until my last day, I will at least manage to live happy things

It's starting out rather badly.

Take care of yourself <3

 

[Nirrend]

Hello everyone, today again I come to write, it will lose me and it already does

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I didn't do much today

I feel blocked, paralyzed. The discomfort is unbearable, I wish I could snap my fingers and disappear

I can't take it anymore, this diary makes me feel like Robinson Crusoe. Every time I reread what I write in it, I realise that every day my belonging to this society is slowly but surely disintegrating.

I feel a deep urge to hurt myself, to stab myself. Just to make sure that my heart is still beating, that my blood will flow.

I listen as always, to music, I need these moments to never end. As soon as an event takes me out of my journey of searching for feelings, a hatred springs out of me.

I can't stand that my moment is ruined like this, by car noises, by people's eyes, by someone calling me.

I can't take it anymore, I'm suffering, I can't wait for everything to stop.

My mood is 9/10, I feel I can do it tonight, but for pitiful reasons I can't, again. I should never have failed in the past.

I'm devastated, my heart aches

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No one will read me and I understand that, many are suffering here and I am pitiful for reasoning like a selfish person.

See you later

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening, it's time to write

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(07/17), I've had a lot going on, at least on the surface, when in reality it doesn't amount to much.

I have no hope in anything, I just want to disappear and my phobia is that I can't carry out my plans.

Yesterday I didn't do anything, I just spent my day sitting on my bed, looking at my wall or lying down, looking at my ceiling.

I don't feel any pleasure anymore, just an interstellar void. I prefer the nothingness of death to being in a world where I am inanimate

My mood is at 8/10, I feel a malaise, a detachment and I'm tired of it

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(07/18), I really don't have much to talk about, I don't know how I'm going to manage to get my method. When I was in my death fantasy, I was sure that by snapping my fingers I would have everything I needed. But I'm stuck, I'll have to be patient, find another solution.

I'm totally lost, even the music and the starry sky don't remind me of anything anymore.

I want to crush my heart with my bare hands, because for me, my life is supposed to be over

My mood is 8/10, same thing, I don't feel anything and I just spend my days staring at a point, I'm going crazy

I'm exhausted and I can't hide from my loved ones that I can't stand anything anymore, I have to pull myself together but I can't.

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Good evening to you, I am exhausted

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening, I come once again, report my mental state

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Insomnia has now won me over the past few days. The days are long, as long as a lifetime

I wake up around 5am, I wait for time to pass, I have to overcome it, but, he is very strong. I don't do anything, still haven't touched up my farewell notes for several days

My days are punctuated by lying in bed, in almost absolute darkness and looking at the ceiling. This ceiling is a force field that prevents me from contemplating an ascent to heaven. So, as eternally, I go to my window and look at the starry sky

As I was able to experience a week ago, the emptiness is absolute. The music does not make me feel anything, the night no longer seems comforting at all and I paused all preparation, because the effort it costs me is unimaginable.

My mood is 8/10, again. I exceed myself for nothing and the time is long, i'm empty. To imagine having to live a long life of at least another 40 years seems unbearable to me.

If only death could come tonight

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Have a great evening

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening, I've come to report on the moods

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(07/21) Yesterday I was busy all day, so, the opprotunity to think and concentrate on my project to ctb was a bit complicated.

My mind was elsewhere, I was chatting, I was laughing with difficulty but I managed to do it anyway

I also wonder if, when I am confronted with other people, I don't feel obliged to put on a good face, because I know in advance what people will tend to say to me if I make it clear that I am not well: "But life is like that, you have to be strong", "I don't understand, you have everything to be happy", "Just don't let yourself go", or "Yeah, but think about your loved ones if you keep being sad".

Okay, but what about me?

Do I look okay right now?

For my part, if someone close to me were to reach a point where ctb is the only way out, at first I will try to help him as much as possible, but if nothing helps him, I will respect his choice.

Choosing to die does not seem to me like a crime or not helping someone in distress, but more like an unconditional respect for someone's decisions and rights, because these decisions are not mine.

My mood was 5/10, mind busy, focused on the few moments I still want to experience before I leave. My desir to ctb was always clear, but the impact it had on me was only relative.

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(07/22) Today, it's something else

The day started slowly, but what's crazy is what the few moments I'm alone evoke.

I just have to isolate myself for a moment, smoke and let my thoughts carry me away, and instantly, death appears to me as something obvious.

When I don't socialise, I am no more.
Social relationships are to humans what water is to life

I think I'm dehydrated
I would even say that if I am not immersed in a liquid, I am unable to feel minimally hydrated

I know I feel lonely all the time, even when I'm not, that's probably the problem

Finally, as the day went on, I found myself more and more alone.

Gradually the aggression returned, as did the suffering. Good, at least I can feel something, however negative it may be.

My mood is 7/10, the weariness is there, the pain of loneliness is back. I'm starting to feel powerless and disgusted.

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I wish you a good evening, see you soon <3

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening to all,

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If I have to describe my day in one word, I would say "exhausting".

On the whole I focused on something very curious. When we go through a suicidal crisis, we are exhausted all the time.

At least for me,

Whether I don't sleep all night, or whether I rest all day, when I wake up, I'm the same.

Slowed down, tired and exhausted

I still feel this weariness of life and I feel that the moments when we are finally ready come occasionally.

It's like a steep hill that you climb every day and the moment you reach the top, that's the moment, you're ready.

But if you wait too long, you go down that slope again and you have to wait a while before you reach the top again.

My mood is 7/10, the emotions have returned and they are still filled with pain, sadness and nostalgia

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I wish you a good evening <3

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening everyone,

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What can I say

Today turned out to be an emotional day, probably a bit too much.

I couldn't wake up today, even though I had a good night's sleep, my body wouldn't get out of bed. I am constantly tired, slow, dragging my feet. I am unable to think, act or even feel.

People around me have work and I don't, I feel deeply oppressed. I am an intruder among the population. I didn't do anything, I played some video games, listened to some music, kept myself busy with the few other passions that are fading away day by day.

I am refining my ctb plans, it gets better every day

I'm also planning to start writing my farewell letter again, it's been a long time since I've worked on it..

Later, I saw my girlfriend and as usual, I pretend that everything is fine, I only talk about happy things. Anyway, I know that people talk to me expecting me to bring good mood around me,

I wonder how my disappearance will be experienced, I wonder if I will see it all from up there.

Finally, at the end of the day, I was seized with anguish, smoking my cigarette and listening to music is no longer useful, even those few poor moments when I could think about myself are no longer useful.

Death and suicide become my only refuge. I love to read about death, about suicide, I'm fascinated by it all

As I said before, dates are becoming more and more important to me, you just have to go on the internet, to see "15 years ago" under a video, to see that the death of celebrities I like took place in the same circumstances as some members here

I just want to be with them, with my loved ones, with those people who found the courage to do it before us (I'm not urging anyone, I'm just speaking for myself).

Concerning anxiety and my choices, I regularly question myself

"Do you really want to die?" - I would say 95% yes

"Do you think your suffering will ever change?" - No, and even if that were the case, I don't want to wait any longer

"Are you afraid of ctb?" - Rather yes, but it's mainly the idea of never waking up that I find frightening

"Do you feel able to do it?" - I think so and I prepare myself for it every day, it is also one of the objectives of my daily publications

I train every day, I try to imagine taking what will allow me to ctb, I try to close my eyes and say to myself "you won't open them again", it's not easy and it's sincerely something I feel I have to do every day to finally be ready.

My mood is 8/10, I've been doing this for 20 days now and the more I prepare, the more my mood is around 7 - 9, today i felt a great inner tension, very few emotions are felt, weariness as well as fatigue were omnipresent. I sincerely look forward to nothing more than not existing.

Anyway, time is running out and I know I have little time left. What I do know is that when I look up to the sky:

I see the starry sky, and I know that they are waiting for us

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The day before my suicide, I will put a graph regrouping the fluctuation of my mood (/10) since the 4th of July, I will specify at which moment I felt ready during this experiment, distinguishing properly the real ambition achieved from the impulsiveness resulting from a tension present at the time. Finally, I will write down the questions I asked myself and had to answer, however useful they may have been to me

I love you, have a good evening <3

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening, I'm going to work

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For today too, I don't have much to say, I've kept myself busy as I could, the day passed without me suffering from the time and that's already something pleasant.

I am busy and my mind is occupied. It is therefore difficult for me to think about ctb.

My mood is 5/10, the urge to die is still there, but until I sort some things out, I won't be able to concentrate on my final project.

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I wish you a good evening

 

[Nirrend]

Hello, for once I'm writing in the middle of the day

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(07/26) Do I need to say that I am exhausted? I don't think so.

My mental state is so low that I am aching physically, I don't do much except listening to music, playing (it's relative).

Today, the day is endless, I face time as if each passing second was a whole year.

When I smoke, when I look at the sky with my music in my ears, I feel, sighing, a deep pain. It may sound masochistic, but I like to feel this pain, because at least I feel something.

At least I know what I'm really risking when my brain decides not to fool me.

Not long ago, I had just finished one of the few things I have left to do. To use a metaphor I've used before, I got rid of a white ball.

I think I have two white balls left and I can finally grab the red one.

What fascinates me is to see how existence is fragile. Having just finished one of my few remaining goals, I instantly felt sad, empty and alone.

I think I retain a relative "stablility" as long as I have something left in my projects. I don't even dare to imagine what it will be like in a short time when I will finish everything.

If you think about it, it's an inevitability, but at least it represents what life is all about.

My mood is 9/10, since I finished what I had to do, I feel capable of taking my life in the next few seconds if I have to, but I don't have everything I need yet and I still want to finish what is not finished yet.

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Have a good afternoon dear Ss members <3

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening to all

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(07/27) Absolutely ordinary day, I was busy and I'm still working on what I have to do

Things are progressing and I'm glad to see that I've almost finished what I'm doing at the moment, obviously I've got other things to do before ctb but I'll take it one step at a time

I am satisfied with these things, as long as I do these things, I feel stable and the days pass normally.

I know I don't give myself much time but I think about my death with a smile!

My mood is 5/10, I don't forget my project but I live things with serenity for the moment

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I wish you a good evening <3

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening, it's time to write

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(07/28) Was a very simple day, as often when my mind is busy with many things, I can't find time to think.
As a result, the day passed quickly and the opportunity to devote myself to what I am trying to prepare was a little complicated.

In these moments, I will say that I do not really feel myself, it is no longer me who thinks but the persons with who I am who give me in my hands the thoughts to exploit.

Finally, overall, my mood was 5/10, no real suffering and no increase in the desire to die.

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(07/29) Things quickly changed, that is to say that where I specified that thoughts and conversations were pre-chewed on me so that I could have a busy mind, instinctively, thoughts related to ctb presented themselves to me and they were stronger than anything.

This time I was at a party and I felt that I had used all my reserves to appear "well in my head" (i hate this sentence because this expression does not mean anything).

You know, that moment when you were overflowing with energy for fakes and this energy is vanishing, and you start not to recognize yourself too much when you pretend to make people laugh, or participate in what is said.

A growing malaise set in, I just couldn't pretend anymore, so from a certain hour I simply went away to be forgotten and settled on a bench in a village.

I was alone, in the middle of the night under a beautifully starry sky. I had as usual, this cigarette that I smoked, a musique in the ears and the effects of alcohol.

It was grandiose

I would give anything to live every second of what remains of my miserable existence. Then, very quickly, reality catches up with you. The noise of cars in the distance, the people at the party who look for you and make you forget that you are still on earth.

Even though these people are very nice to have been looking for me, I feel bad to say that it's always an extremely annoying moment to be caught up in the present again.

My mood was at 8/10, I suffer from being still alive and I felt very strong emotions when I was left to myself on this bench. I'm just waiting until I'm dead.

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(07/30) Today, finally, is a day like anything you can hate.

As I have already been able to say, I live with my family and for several reasons not interesting, there are often conflicts, with my brothers, with my father, my mother...

Today it was the turn of this detestable mother. Cupailing from my very young age, scathing in her words. She who always seeks the last word, even when she is at fault. She who exaggerates for everything and who vitciates herself. She who has a double face and who probably prefers others rather than her children.

To you, the egoist, if you read these words one day, I hope you will blame yourself and realize how bad a parent you have been. Always denying all the evil you have in yourself by saying that it is others who are bad. Know that dead, I don't even know if I would still have thoughts for you. You deserve that what my death will inflict on you

My mood is 9/10, this life is pressing and unbearable, I have no other words.

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Although I am probably boring and detestable to some people here, I imagine,

I wish you, once again as usual, a very good evening

Take care of yourself <3