Dealing with guilt?

[Jengator]

Hi. I wanted to ask anyone with young kids how you are dealing with guilt. I'm bedridden, very sick, can barely eat, walk, or function mentally. I have advanced Lyme disease, heavy metal poisoning, mold illness, and various other viruses attacking my body. Doctors are trying but my organs are not responding. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm possibly facing a torturous death. To be clear, I do not want to die. But being tortured seems unreasonable to me. I've been trying to get access to N with no luck. Not to give up, but for the possibility that there is no chance for recovery but my death is slow and unbearable. That's it. But I still pray for a miracle in the meantime and I'm fighting for every step and every breath. Anyone who is "normal" says "Don't give up." "Don't do that to your kids". And then I feel even more guilty and picture my 2 boys growing up without their father. It haunts me. And I can't talk to anyone else because it's basically don't give up, case closed. Any talk of giving up will land me in a mental institution even though my problems are 100% physical. This group seems to be the only people who actually understand and I wanted to ask you how you are dealing with the guilt for anyone in a similar situation of unliveable physical illness. Thank you.

 

[JimFord99]

Sorry to read your story, I cannot possibly imagine how you feel and cope. Why should you feel guilty? I am not in a similar situation as you are, but at no point should you feel guilty about your condition or about yourself. There is a breaking point in life and you are damn close to it. You can talk here.

 

[trynacbt]

It sounds like you don't have control over whether your kids grow up with a father or not, and that your choice is about minimizing the pain you go through. Gonna echo Jim on this one--don't feel guilty. The choice to ctb is a choice like any other life choice; it brings consequences, in this case, earth-shattering ones, but your life is your own and the way I see it, it's your right to decide.

I sometimes feel guilty about what I am planning to do. But ultimately I can't live my life for others. If I'm sticking around so that other people can be happy, then I myself will never be...

 

[Jengator]

Thank you. I guess I feel like certain life mistakes made on my part contributed to me getting sick, so I've let them down.
Thank you. I've always been the type to think of the other person. And with kids, it's
x1000000.
I guess I'm just sad picturing them going through life's big events with their dad. I've been a good dad. They've always counted on me. and I pictured being there for them st least until they could fend for themselves.

 

[Rachel74]

I've dogs not kids but they are the reason I can't CTB at the moment. It's hard and I hate it but I have to do it.
But please don't think you are back for wanting to leave as you are in real pain. Sending you hugs

 

[JimFord99]

That is the thing, strings attached is a hindrance.

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

Sorry you are in so much pain. I cannot imagine what you are going through.
I feel guilt because I have a young son who I worry won't cope well if I'm gone. He doesn't live with me but I see him often and he always says he misses me. I also have an older daughter but I hardly see her. So wouldn't imagine it would affect her as much. Maybe I'm selfish for wanting to CTB. I don't know. I'm torn but when the pain is so bad do I just carry on.

 

[Jengator]

I'm sorry you are going through this too. Your feekings are completely understandable. I don't think you are selfish at all. I don't think your thinking is selfish. In fact we are being unselfish for fighting as long as we are.

 

[Dreamwithinadream]

I'm very sick as well and no one should have to suffer. It's not selfish to want to end it.

 

[Jengator]

I agree. I know I'm doing everything I can to try to get well. And my suffering is liveable now so I hang on and deal with the pain. It's just that it's been getting worse and I'm trying to prepare in case it gets unliveable.

 

[Mr2005]

I know what you mean. My pains not like yours, in fact it's due to guilt I want to kill myself in the first place. Have the cat to think of and my girlfriend but not much else (how she's stuck by me so long I do not know. She's innocent in all of this)

 

[Jengator]

I understand. I think that what everyone is telling us is to not feel guilty. That we have in common. I'm sorry you suffer too.

 

[purplemoon]

I wish I could make everything better for everyone... well, so much for wishing.

I can understand that would be extremely difficult, especially being a father, and then with immense physical pain pulling you in the other direction.

If you do try to stay around a little longer, have you tried food grade diatomaceous earth powder? Colloidal silver?

I had mercury poisoning from old, giant mercury tooth fillings that I got removed a few years ago, and my body detoxed through sweat, with also helped along with the other stuff like cilantro to keep getting more mercury out, but dangerous to do if you still have mercury fillings in your teeth. It was horrifying, and I know that mercury has an affinity for nerve endings and difficult to detox. There's a group out there (yahoo group) that has good knowledge of how to detox, if you want it, you can PM me anytime.

I am so sorry for your struggles... hugs.