Help Dealing with cognitive dissonance after making my plan for CTB

[princeseadove]

I have been feeling really sick and with a headache since I came up with my plan and suicide letter. This isn't regular sickness, I think it's cognitive dissonance with how staggering it feels really. Like I feel very very confused all the time, but I have to work. The thing is I am making this novel and I have been speaking to a few people about it for some help. That will be my first and final project, but it feels weird. I talk as if I'll be there when people will see it. Or that I'll continue on after this. But I absolutely don't want to.

I also don't know if I should prioritize my novel or my work. If I don't do it it'll be seen as suspicious (for me) so I really have to. It's not a lot but it just drains me. I blame last year and how overworked I was. Either way I have been having this migraine and it's just preventing me from doing anything. Any advice on how to deal with this? Or if anybody else has experience this and knows what's what? I think not coming to terms with my future death is why, but I'm not sure.

 

[U. A.]

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[princeseadove]

[Hidden content]

Yeah that's what I mean… because in a way I will. Be alive through my creations. And I'll be there, but not in a way that most people will understand. I will be dead, but also not. Sorry it's hard for me to explain, the migraine is getting to me. It might also be Because of my BPD because I heard it can cause someyhing like that.. so maybe not cognitive dissonance, but strong emotions around iy…. Just want it to go away

 

[catsalvation]

I have a similar limbo feeling I think. I want to improve my life, but my mind circles back to CTB more and more especially now that I have a plan in mind. Unfortunately I still have a long way ahead to aquire everything needed. I can only focus on one goal at a time, and have executive disfunction, so I'm paralyzed about what should be my next steps. (Life improvements or CTB preparation.)

 

[princeseadove]

I have a similar limbo feeling I think. I want to improve my life, but my mind circles back to CTB more and more especially now that I have a plan in mind. Unfortunately I still have a long way ahead to aquire everything needed. I can only focus on one goal at a time, and have executive disfunction, so I'm paralyzed about what should be my next steps. (Life improvements or CTB preparation.)

I don't know either, because life improvements and CTB preparations are basically the same thing to me. And I think that's what gets me. Every fun thing I do is just to secure I will CTB.