Story Day 1. A day of fun and crashing again.

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 26: No Pressure

I woke up at 10:00 AM and got out of bed. (Yeah, I know. Crazy. Could never be me.)

★ Washed my face
★ Ate an apple

I needed to go and talk to someone to receive support through a mentor. It was a really sunny and warm day today.

My wolf shirt finally came, hooray! But it is too big, so I need to return it.

I went on my way to the appointment. I was holding a bag with my wolf shirt and a tank top because I planned to go to a shop afterward to try on some cargo shorts with the outfit.

I arrived at the place and we had a discussion. It seems I don't need a mentor for the time being, just mental health support. I left and went to the shop. I didn't like the cargo shorts, so I will just buy them online. I looked cute fr fr tho.

I got some lunch and sat down in the forest to eat it. It was a very peaceful moment with the sun shining through the leaves, me nomming on a yummy meal deal, and talking to myself.

I'll miss this if I die, but the peace might be better than this.

I guess it would be more clearer to say: that the world is very pretty sometimes and moments like these are very much appreciated, I just don't think I need to stick around for it.

The garden crew popped into my head, but I need to ignore them because they don't matter anymore.

Anyway, I went home and my knees were very tired. I washed off the germs and sat down to start doing more art stuff on my laptop. It was very annoying.

I got the game Limbo and will play it tomorrow!

I encountered many errors with my art stuff, so I will be fixing those now instead of sleeping because I'm bored of sleeping.

I've been listening to melancholy music all day on this warm day. I'm in a very funky and tired mood now.

I had lentils for dinner and now I am going to do those art fixes.

I emailed my teacher about some concerns for the future.

I'm sad right now about not being able to sleep next to someone today. Rah, I wanna sleep with someone and cuddle.

Thanks for reading, kind stranger. I hope your day was good.

Goodnight, sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 27: Dreaming of You and Nothing Less

I woke up again around 12:00 PM to another warm, sunny day.

After taking a shower, I shaved off my beard. It made me remember what my teacher said about shaving, how it can apparently be painful without foam. I don't actually use foam. I guess the water lubricates my skin well enough? I don't really know.

I thought about that guy I had sex with in the forest. Do I want to do it again? Probably, but his communication is so poor that I don't even bother. I also remembered my teacher asking if there would be "no more meeting men in the forest." I thought of a snarky comeback I could have used:

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

Fun, huh?

For breakfast, I had something pretty yummy. Afterward, I got straight to my usual routine: working on art and fixing technical errors. Because I do 3D modeling and modding, it can be quite a hassle, especially when the tools are absolute garbage and you don't know how to code your own. I spent most of the day wrestling with that. In between tasks, my mind drifted to the garden crew and a few new epiphanies about myself.

I realized I don't need to see myself, or my inner child as a victim anymore. Sure, a ton of bad things happened, but we got through it. That means we are incredibly strong. I don't need to view him, or myself, through that fragile lens anymore.

I also recognize that I don't want bad things to happen to the garden crew. You naturally don't want bad things happening to people you once cared about, even if things ended poorly. But do I love them? No, I don't. Still, I prefer they stay safe. I know it is completely okay to be upset about how things went. After all, if they truly cared about me, wouldn't they still be around?

I've been thinking a lot about my teacher's game idea since he invited me to help out. Over the next week, I'm going to take the time to play Limbo and another interesting game I found to gather my thoughts. I want to brainstorm a solid art style, a compelling story, game progression, and character designs. I am also debating whether I want to learn pixel art. Pixel art is absolutely sick, and the animations look incredible.

Later on, I took a break from art and played ARMS with some people from Discord. I got absolutely whooped a few times, but I wasn't half bad myself! It was a pretty good time. Afterward, I hopped onto Tomodachi Life for a bit to check on the Miis. I kept a close eye on my teacher's Mii to see if he was doing anything funny so I could share it with him later. A heavy wave of melancholy hits me when I look at them. Seeing those adorable little goobers just hanging around on the island makes me wistful. I wish I had that. Friends.

Throughout the day, this deep melancholy kept returning, this intense longing to just have someone around. It was such a beautiful day. What could we have done together? I don't know, but I'd like to spend it with you. My mind spun out into questions:

★ Is there anyone out there worth staying around for?
★ Is my teacher staying in my life out of purpose, friendship, or just worry?
★ Am I consuming him? No, probably not. I am trying my best on my end.
★ Does anyone truly know me?
★ If I finally get real support, will I be able to talk freely?
★ Will I stare into the ocean's reflection and see nothing looking back?
★ Will I be left alone again?
★ What decision will I be happy with most?
★ What do you want to do?

I don't need to pressure myself to find the answers right now, but I will keep looking.

I signed up to volunteer for a cool upcoming event! I really want to do more volunteer work moving forward. If I am still around after August, I think I will finally look for a job.

Listening to a lot of music today that amplified that summer melancholy, just wanting to go out and have a ton of fun. One song in particular that I've been enjoying is "What You Were" by The Drums on YouTube. It is one of those songs that hits just right and makes me want to drop everything to go do something absolutely awesome and fun with you/dance with you.

I need to return my wolf shirt and exchange it for a size down. I also got another hair appointment scheduled. Sadly, no spaghetti today.

I think that is everything. The defining feeling of today is simply:

"Can you just be around? Maybe if you were here, I'd have a reason to stay."

Thank you for reading, kind stranger. I hope your day was beautiful.

Goodnight, sweet friends.