daily anxiety attacks again

[nails]

once again, im on my bedroom floor sobbing, holding back vomit, and lightheaded from the hyperventilating. i felt almost completely numb for a while and it was nice, i prefer to feel nothign instead of this torture. i had to stay home from work for two days (covid) and i ended up spiraling. the isolation got to me again and i have no distractions. i tried engaging in my old hobbies again, but ended up breaking down becuase they were just so unenjoyable. i tried resding and watching stuff bht i couldnt stop thinking about everytbing else, so i couldnt even focus. it was useless. i was reminiscing about my old friends again and it made me feel anxious, everything just came back up.i wish they knew how severe my situation is now, but i doubt it'd matter. none of it changes how worthless i am to everyone i meet. i can't stop thinking about how perfect things would've been if i had died last year. i felt loved, i would've died thinking that i was loved and i probably would've been more respected than i am now. now, i really need to die; i need to kill myself or else all that talk, all the sh, and all the attempts would've been for nothing.
my chest hurts and i can't breathe, i'll have to deal with this every night again and i'm not prepared.

 

[doomedbynarrative]

I don't think a single living thing is worthless. But that's just me. Thus, others may think you're worthless based on their own beliefs and expectations. I, however, think you are worthy as you are, even in this state.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I just got a prescription for the anxiety attacks I get nightly/daily too. I have no hope it'll work but I guess we'll see. Massive hugs to you!