Venting CTB while you're still young?

[sopwithcamel]

I haven't reached 20 yet, but with the way my life has unfolded I see no point in continuing. Another poster here said that their greatest fear was that this could go on for many more decades. That's what I'm afraid of too... decades of loneliness, decades of boredom, decades of feeling/being undervalued, decades of wasting time, decades of waiting for it to get better somehow... I can't do this. I think it would be wiser to settle it now. It's sad I'd die without having experienced or seen certain things, but it is what it is. For some people it doesn't get better. It never does.
I see people on this forum who are 30, 40, 50+. They've had plenty of time for their life to "turn around" yet we're all in the same boat. I don't want to wait around for a miracle that will never come.

 

[FuneralCry]

It is my worst nightmare having to suffer for decades, I am only 21 and I am so tired. I just want to be gone. I never want to reach old age, my future is very depressing and if I ctb I will be preventing decades of suffering. I just wish it was easier to leave, that is all. I have came to the conclusion that my life is not worth living and this will never change. It is true that for many people things will never get better, instead they will just get worse. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[NothingElseMatters]

as a 29-year-old male, i would say things will only get worse.

 

[sharky]

20s were the best part of my life. I don't think you should ctb that young unless you are really severely depressed or have a chronic illness.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Lots of people are suicidal when they're young and then things get better. Those people just aren't on this site. I can't guarantee that things will get better for you, but they don't always get worse.

 

[Riddle]

Yes I agree with Sharky and Whiterabbit, under 25 is just too young.

I'll copy the same thing I said in another thread. I know it is cliche to say but 20 is too young, I don't what you have been through or what you are going through but I am 33 now and those years for me seem a life time ago. All emotions are amplified from ages 15-22 or so, things that I would consider trivial now would consume me when I was a young adult but in the end they didn't matter at all and life went on. Not downplaying your pain or suffering or whatever you have been through but a lot of growth happens in your 20's that brings clarity and perspective so you can be the person you want to be or live a life you will enjoy

I do appreciate this site and this community for its knowledge and providing the opportunity for people to ctb, but I do think it will catch strays of young people who could have been alright if they could just get through those young adult years. And that is tragic

 

[sopwithcamel]

Lots of people are suicidal when they're young and then things get better. Those people just aren't on this site. I can't guarantee that things will get better for you, but they don't always get worse.

I'm sorry I don't believe this. I know for a fact that next year I'll be in the exact same place I'm in currently. I've known about this site for years and each year I end up back on it. Normal people have a fulfilling social life at this point and don't spend nearly all their free time on those kind of sites. I can't even cope by telling myself 'oh if I keep trying it'll work' because socializing and making friends completely depends on how other people react to you. I can't control the outcome unlike my hobbies where I just have to keep trying. There's so many people I see at school daily yet for some reason I'm not compatible with any of them. There's no other solution it seems!

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I'm sorry I don't believe this. I know for a fact that next year I'll be in the exact same place I'm in currently. I've known about this site for years and each year I end up back on it. Normal people have a fulfilling social life at this point and don't spend nearly all their free time on those kind of sites. I can't even cope by telling myself 'oh if I keep trying it'll work' because socializing and making friends completely depends on how other people react to you. I can't control the outcome unlike my hobbies where I just have to keep trying. There's so many people I see at school daily yet for some reason I'm not compatible with any of them. There's no other solution it seems!

You don't believe that young people can recover from suicidal thoughts? Ever? Sorry, maybe I'm not understanding what you mean.

 

[sopwithcamel]

Yes I agree with Sharky and Whiterabbit, under 25 is just too young.

I'll copy the same thing I said in another thread. I know it is cliche to say but 20 is too young, I don't what you have been through or what you are going through but I am 33 now and those years for me seem a life time ago. All emotions are amplified from ages 15-22 or so, things that I would consider trivial now would consume me when I was a young adult but in the end they didn't matter at all and life went on. Not downplaying your pain or suffering or whatever you have been through but a lot of growth happens in your 20's that brings clarity and perspective so you can be the person you want to be or live a life you will enjoy

I do appreciate this site and this community for its knowledge and providing the opportunity for people to ctb, but I do think it will catch strays of young people who could have been alright if they could just get through those young adult years. And that is tragic

"All emotions are amplified from ages 15-22" I've felt alone since I was in elementary school. A decade later and I still feel the same. Maybe this persistent feeling wants me to do what needs to be done and just cross to the other side. When I'm 25, 30, whatever, I'll probably feel the same way, all with the added 'bonus' that I'm getting old and starting to run out of time to build a meaningful life. Why not die now?

You don't believe that young people can recover from suicidal thoughts? Ever? Sorry, maybe I'm not understanding what you mean.

I do. I just don't think my life will ever get to a point where I'll feel better about myself. I often feel like I was destined to be in some sort of permanent underclass, I just exist and I'm essentially a NPC..

 

[deathbydragon]

My biggest regret in life is not dying sooner. I wish I did it when I was 18, since then I've met new friends to screw over when I inevitably do it. That and my brother is now old enough that it'll mess him up too.

I'm still alive because I made it a goal to make it to 25, because that's when your brain is fully developed or whatever. 25th birthday is next year, all I've learnt in the time since is how worthless living is. Every feeling I had back then about life, is strengthened and reinforced.

What is 'old enough' for some people?

 

[CommitSudoku]

I'm also afraid of this existence of mine going on for years and years, that thought scares me. In many ways I have all the pieces necessary that I should enjoy this life and some might even consider me successful. But none of that brings me happiness nor does it fix everything majorly wrong in my head that has been building my entire life. I know some users would consider me young as well, but I don't feel young. And as far back as I remember I never actually had a goal in life. If I continue I'll either become a toxic person I hate (or perhaps I should say more toxic) or I could end up living for someone else's sake which would probably see me end up bitter and eventually discarded and thus with worse mental issues.

To me my age is irrelevant. I've already tried escaping this life and I probably will keep trying until I'm successful or something drastic happens. I've decided what I want and I see it as an act of compassion towards myself. I've tried not to hurt too many people in this life and I'm tired of not doing that for myself. Continuing further will just see me continue to hurt myself while increasingly hurting others as my depression strips away anything worth saving.

 

[demuic]

For some people, it's easy to tell for yourself whether you should call it quits already or continue struggling on for some reason.

Things "getting better" depends on what's wrong in the first place. What the source of your problems is and whether a solution is actually possible, and if it is, will you ever be able to acheive it realistically, and even if you can, do you want to/is it worth the effort? For me, the answer to all of the above is no in most cases. Therefore, I don't see any reason to continue on. Someone's temperament and dispostion also plays a role in that. I have always felt there's almost nothing appealing to me on this planet and I don't like to be here. I've only gotten more bitter and had any kind of positive hopes annihilated as time goes on. People more aligned with the wider society's behaviors viewpoints or find some kind of fulfillment in life may find it easier to adjust to difficult times.

The people who didn't survive their 20s also aren't here to say things like "my young adult years were hard but I got through it and you will too" so naturally that's an easy claim to make. But the only one who can decided whether their life is worth living is the individual who is living that life. No one else has any say in it.

I will definitely not make it to 30, but I don't know if I'll be able to drag on for a few more years. Maybe. The years just seem to pass by, I'm 21 now and still with no meaningful improvement in any area, whatever that would even look like. Nor do I have any real prospect of such. And some things have gotten worse in ways I wasn't even able to imagine before. That's the truly difficult thing. The unexpected curveballs. You can't just drift along forever.

I don't want to wait around for a miracle that will never come.

A lot of people their whole lives waiting for that. And then they die.

 

[sopwithcamel]

I'm sorry I can't stop crying. It will never get better. Tomorrow won't be any better. The day after it won't be either. The world keeps spinning regardless of whether I'm here or not. People will be sad or shocked once they hear I'm dead but they'll get over it shortly after. I don't see why I shouldn't do it. My life feels terrible yet I don't even have any health problems or anything that would mess up with my quality of life. I wish I could switch over my body or health to someone who needs it. I'm just too useless

 

[CommitSudoku]

I'm sorry I can't stop crying. It will never get better. Tomorrow won't be any better. The day after it won't be either. The world keeps spinning regardless of whether I'm here or not. People will be sad or shocked once they hear I'm dead but they'll get over it shortly after. I don't see why I shouldn't do it. My life feels terrible yet I don't even have any health problems or anything that would mess up with my quality of life. I wish I could switch over my body or health to someone who needs it. I'm just too useless

I relate to this all. I'd give up my body/health to someone else who would appreciate it if I only could. I'm sorry you're suffering so much right now. I can't honestly say anything can or will get better, I wish I could. I just try to focus on a few things in the present that keep me sane - posting on here for one. I appreciate you making this topic and sharing your thoughts. This site would be nothing without the community after all. It is your life and your decision to pursue or not pursue whatever course of action you feel is best for yourself. I wish you the best whatever you do and I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time right now, life can be so painful.

 

[Stormboxer]

I'm 20 and in the same boat. My childhood really fucked me up

 

[jimmy7754]

It took some serious terrible shit for me to get on this forum.. I'm 32.. and I got all the information I needed.. I'm wise enough to know everything is subjective and I have no idea what people are going through at any age.. whatever is bothering you just.. weigh it out and see if you really want this.. you are young and still developing.. if you are able to start pushing yourself.. running was my vice.. running a marathon felt great.. if you can treat life like marathon you could gain a good head space.. but my life has unfortunately turned into a shitshow..

 

[bigbeatmanifesto]

For some people, it's easy to tell for yourself whether you should call it quits already or continue struggling on for some reason.

Things "getting better" depends on what's wrong in the first place. What the source of your problems is and whether a solution is actually possible, and if it is, will you ever be able to acheive it realistically, and even if you can, do you want to/is it worth the effort? For me, the answer to all of the above is no in most cases. Therefore, I don't see any reason to continue on. Someone's temperament and dispostion also plays a role in that. I have always felt there's almost nothing appealing to me on this planet and I don't like to be here. I've only gotten more bitter and had any kind of positive hopes annihilated as time goes on. People more aligned with the wider society's behaviors viewpoints or find some kind of fulfillment in life may find it easier to adjust to difficult times.

The people who didn't survive their 20s also aren't here to say things like "my young adult years were hard but I got through it and you will too" so naturally that's an easy claim to make. But the only one who can decided whether their life is worth living is the individual who is living that life. No one else has any say in it.

I will definitely not make it to 30, but I don't know if I'll be able to drag on for a few more years. Maybe. The years just seem to pass by, I'm 21 now and still with no meaningful improvement in any area, whatever that would even look like. Nor do I have any real prospect of such. And some things have gotten worse in ways I wasn't even able to imagine before. That's the truly difficult thing. The unexpected curveballs. You can't just drift along forever.


A lot of people their whole lives waiting for that. And then they die.

I feel extremely fortunate that things only got really bad in my late 20's (I'm 31 now). They were always destined to go bad but I didn't become aware of the core issue in my mind until my late 20s, which is a lot better than discovering it at 20 or something.

It seems as though with N it's easier than ever to have a safe exit and that gives me immense comfort. I can and will probably hold on for a bit longer though, my SI is vert strong but just knowing I have the option there helps.

It took some serious terrible shit for me to get on this forum.. I'm 32.. and I got all the information I needed.. I'm wise enough to know everything is subjective and I have no idea what people are going through at any age.. whatever is bothering you just.. weigh it out and see if you really want this.. you are young and still developing.. if you are able to start pushing yourself.. running was my vice.. running a marathon felt great.. if you can treat life like marathon you could gain a good head space.. but my life has unfortunately turned into a shitshow..

What happened, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[contemplatingjaahil]

Im 24 thinking this is the perfect age to go.

 

[YourNeighbor]

You won't get much good information to your question asking here. Your peers who want to feed on and repeat your fears that things can't get better don't know, because they haven't gone through their 20s. The many people who were in your position at 20 and got better are not on this forum.

No one here can diagnose or treat you, and a lot will depend on what is causing you distress. Is it stage 4 cancer? Unlikely to improve. Is it depression, trauma, phobias, anxiety, etc.? Those things can get better, happens all the time. The key is to find some way to get help from a person/place that can actually provide that help. You are very young, and even a little sustained effort over years can yield tremendous dividends. Reach out to people that were in your position, if you can.

 

[death137]

I recently turned 25 and it gets worse. I feel very bad that I'm still alive.

 

[Gsvko]

It's kind of nice to hear opposing opinions, makes me think that you are caring, I imagine you peeps are older and I imagine that your children would feel cared for.
But I think that before the age of 25 one can feel absolutely fed up, broken, paralyzed. Trauma can suck the life out of you and it's hard for anything to change if there's no will. Nowadays I think that just because things changed for me does not mean they will for someone else. And just because some didn't, doesn't mean someone else couldn't handle them. It's true that some young just need guidance and kind words, but there is a point where it's too late imo.
I, for example, am young. Went through intensive and lenghty therapy that left me worse off. Zero energy left, I didn't choose to feel this way, simply gave my best and have no sparks left.
It's a hard topic, I wish we could all be well.

 

[bigbeatmanifesto]

It's kind of nice to hear opposing opinions, makes me think that you are caring, I imagine you peeps are older and I imagine that your children would feel cared for.
But I think that before the age of 25 one can feel absolutely fed up, broken, paralyzed. Trauma can suck the life out of you and it's hard for anything to change if there's no will. Nowadays I think that just because things changed for me does not mean they will for someone else. And just because some didn't, doesn't mean someone else couldn't handle them. It's true that some young just need guidance and kind words, but there is a point where it's too late imo.
I, for example, am young. Went through intensive and lenghty therapy that left me worse off. Zero energy left, I didn't choose to feel this way, simply gave my best and have no sparks left.
It's a hard topic, I wish we could all be well.

Sorry to hear about your bad experience with therapy. What therapy did you do, and why did it make you worse

 

[sopwithcamel]

I don't know what to do. I'm going to browse this site in class and see if anyone cares. If nothing is done then it'll be the final nail in the coffin and I'll find a method. Nobody gives a shit about me either way so I might as well just go. It won't even impact their life they'll just think of me as that one girl who killed herself in their school and get over it. They'll enjoy the rest of their life living in their little bubble with their friends and family. I don't understand…

 

[its-about-time]

My personal opinion is that people should at least wait for their brain to finish developing. Mid 20's generally. It's not like it's a guaranteed solution, but it's a huge factor. There's a lot of biological and social upsets through teenage and early 20's, it's difficult to say how the rest of your life will go at that point. It's not something people like to hear but it's my opinion.

 

[bigbeatmanifesto]

My personal opinion is that people should at least wait for their brain to finish developing. Mid 20's generally. It's not like it's a guaranteed solution, but it's a huge factor. There's a lot of biological and social upsets through teenage and early 20's, it's difficult to say how the rest of your life will go at that point. It's not something people like to hear but it's my opinion.

I know for some people it's difficult but you should really try and cling on for as long as you can and leave no stone unturned in the process. I know people hate the 'permanent solution' cliche but there really is no going back once you've swallowed that N or whatever.

 

[Weebster]

Teens and suicide is cringe. The reasons they die don't tend to be good ones. If a teen is being horribly abused, then that's different but not necessarily hopeless.

 

[sopwithcamel]

Teens and suicide is cringe. The reasons they die don't tend to be good ones. If a teen is being horribly abused, then that's different but not necessarily hopeless.

You're right I just don't see how my situation could get better. My siblings are pushing 30 yet still live at home. Maybe this'll be me soon. I'm tired of waiting man

I know for some people it's difficult but you should really try and cling on for as long as you can and leave no stone unturned in the process. I know people hate the 'permanent solution' cliche but there really is no going back once you've swallowed that N or whatever.

Is it preferable to be 30 and still friendless? Might as well settle it now. Can't imagine still being on this site decades from now

 

[Weebster]

You're right I just don't see how my situation could get better. My siblings are pushing 30 yet still live at home. Maybe this'll be me soon. I'm tired of waiting man

Are your siblings unhappy? Not seeing it doesn't mean the future
is necessarily hopeless. Your mind will alter slowly as you age as will your perspective. If it doesn't, then you always have your exit door.

 

[Gsvko]

Sorry to hear about your bad experience with therapy. What therapy did you do, and why did it make you worse

Thanks. Feel like I'm derailing. But the way they handled me after encouraging me to open up about something that was hard left me dissociated and depressed more than ever. I think proper term for that is containment, they didn't contain me, but got scared in the worst moment. Explanation was that they are human as well, which I do understand, but I expected to feel safe and that was kind of my fault. They wanted to fix it with meds, when that was the proposed solution it really repulsed me from therapy. They did apologise later, but it didn't really mean much to me.
It was psychodynamic/analytic at times, but I don't think it's to do with type of therapy.
I suck at expressing this, hope it makes a tiny bit sense at least.

 

[sopwithcamel]

Are your siblings unhappy? Not seeing it doesn't mean the future
is necessarily hopeless. Your mind will alter slowly as you age as will your perspective. If it doesn't, then you always have your exit door.

It doesn't seem like they're too unhappy. They have a job and get to go places and have a social life at least. But my oldest brother basically goes home and plays video games for hours. It's essentially the same thing I'm doing right now except I draw or use my laptop instead of playing video games. At least he has a job and gets paid