CTB via train

[laboratoby]

After trying and failing to get my life together and proving to be the worst kind of sibling, spouse, son and friend, I've decided that this time it's going to work. All the pain and suffering is finally gonna get me to wake up and do what I need to do. I'm exhausted, I'm 20 and I haven't grown up into a functional adult, and all I've done is be honest about everything that's happened to me and my feelings. I've stopped lying about everything, I've stopped masking, and the world just seems to hate me more for it. I'm back home after I was hospitalized in a psyche ward and I immediately got into a fight with my spouse. I thought I could heal and find out what's most important to me and come back to my husband stronger, but I'm not getting stronger. My eating disorder is the only thing that's holding me together and I'm not even losing weight. There is a high speed railway 18 hours from me, I'm planning on making up some excuse to go away for like three days and fuck off to go somewhere. Then I can go no contact with my family, I have no excuse for treating them so badly outside of the fact that I choose to live in their house and betray their trust and hospitality. Once I'm there I can track the railway's time and go my way. Healing doesn't work, love doesn't work, I don't work. It's hard being one of the few people in the world that despite being given every way to succeed I just fail. I'm giving in. This is a desperate message and I'll be gone soon.
i need a day to figure it out