Help CTB on impulse as revenge or proof of how much someone/the world has hurt you

[Pan]

thank you all



in october i will be going to university, if i can get out of my depression enough to actually pass my exams. and i would be moving about 3 hours away. theyre family so hard to cut out of my life but i will if i have to.


They've hurt me since the day i was born. they hate me now more than before. but at least my dad has stopped abusing me so often. leaves you scarred tho especially when it was as a kid. theyre the reason for most of my mental health problems, im sure of it.

Dear brother: you are not alone me in this believe me, I speak from experience, as in a victim of the autistic spectrum disorders...I know what you are going through...get an outlet for your rage; boxing is a good pastime,otherwise use your talents to create, in whatever way directs you...autism and abuse is a very toxic mixture; I know your pain, friend...you are brighter than most and feel more deeply than others; consider your strengths and know that your are a survivor. Best to you, my friend.
Dear paroxical: know that you are family@this site; as a fellow sufferer of autism spectrum disorder; I know that your thoughts are your thoughts, whether homicidal, suicidal, or the like. I know too that the rage inside of you is deep; just because you FEEL homicidal/ suicidal does'nt necessarily man you will act on these impulses; you are left with these thoughts because,for one reason or another, they have been stymied, thwarted, balled up. I cannot recommend boxing enough; it gets out anger, and the in a good way. Better than any stim toy,in my humble opinion.
If you ever need a place to crash, I"m there.

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

Not that this is truly helpful but I self harm if I'm wanting to impulsively ctb. My upper thigh looks like an etching from the last month because I couldn't use my arms anymore because it would be way to obvious. I don't ever want to go out impulsively.

 

[SuicideBoys93]

I use marijuana to handle the impulsiveness. For me at least mild sedation seems to be the only thing that is affective. There are other options such as things that distract you, stress toys, or just general calm down techniques. There is always talking to us as well.

I get drug tested too much to smoke. I really wish I could. My impulse has been sooooooo bad today. I literally can't stop thinking about just doing it. I'm now sitting at my dining room table in the dark reading the forums, and contemplating how long I'm going to let this go on. I don't want to die, but I can't live like this anymore.

 

[Ghost2211]

I get drug tested too much to smoke. I really wish I could. My impulse has been sooooooo bad today. I literally can't stop thinking about just doing it. I'm now sitting at my dining room table in the dark reading the forums, and contemplating how long I'm going to let this go on. I don't want to die, but I can't live like this anymore.

I understand. I feel like that most days as well. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

 

[BFishy]

Oh I feel you completely, I was recently in the same boat too. That I could leave someone who devastated me, my life and CTB because of all the pain they caused but in reality......i came to the realization that it wouldn't do anything for me.

Truth is, people who hurt and disregard others without concern don't care. Mine didn't care when he saw my face full of tears, he did not care when I lost my car and everything i had left, if I lost my life he might dwell for a bit or not at all. Life goes on and for those void of empathy your death will not be in the forethought of their minds.

Your pain is valid but that bozo doesn't matter, don't give them importance over your life. You are better and they are not worth it.

That is such a deep yet true statement. I certainly wish when my heart was or is hurting from loosing someone who I loved or supposedly loved me.
I am my own worst enemy.

 

[Green Destiny]

I'll sound cruel for this but sometimes I wan't to CTB to spite and hurt my mom. She does love and care for me but she can be a very toxic and hurtful person when she's in a very terrible mood and she's too wrapped up in her own world to notice or care. Plus i've actually told her 2 separate times that I wan't to die but she brushed me off simply saying "I shouldn't be thinking that as an option". She has plenty of issues that she could and probably should try to work with via a counselor just like me but she'll never really acknowledge them same as with my issues.

 

[Pan]

Like it or not, your mother was supposed to be there for you, that is why she became a mother to begin with, I assume. I believe in being tough on parents, whether they are fathers and/or mothers. In Germany, thanx in part to the voice of Alice Miller, the Bundestag enacted legislation to make child abuse a crime. No person, parent or not, has the right to mistreat another, much less a youngster. Abusive parents deserve jail time.

 

[Pan]

I get drug tested too much to smoke. I really wish I could. My impulse has been sooooooo bad today. I literally can't stop thinking about just doing it. I'm now sitting at my dining room table in the dark reading the forums, and contemplating how long I'm going to let this go on. I don't want to die, but I can't live like this anymore.

Why, exactly, do you "get tested too that much to smoke"? I thought that died with the Middle Ages...!?

 

[Egddios]

Why, exactly, do you "get tested too that much to smoke"? I thought that died with the Middle Ages...!?

I'd been seeing a psychiatric NP who was aware I smoke weed and therefore wouldn't adjust the klonopin. She said I'd need to be drug tested from there on out to continue taking klonopin and I said

.

The current psychiatrist also knows I smoke weed and he agreed to adjust me to .5mg 3x a day, which for me, I'm grateful for it. It's not like I have a blunt in my mouth at all times either (wish I did). Ideally I'd like to be at 1mg 3x a day, with maybe some days not needing to take every dose, and have some for emergencies.

I'll sound cruel for this but sometimes I wan't to CTB to spite and hurt my mom. She does love and care for me but she can be a very toxic and hurtful person when she's in a very terrible mood and she's too wrapped up in her own world to notice or care. Plus i've actually told her 2 separate times that I wan't to die but she brushed me off simply saying "I shouldn't be thinking that as an option". She has plenty of issues that she could and probably should try to work with via a counselor just like me but she'll never really acknowledge them same as with my issues.

Do you ever use Reddit? It sucks now, however there's a supportive sub called r/raisedbynarcissists and it can be validating to hear of others who have similar thoughts, have gone through neglect, etc.

 

[Night Sky]

It crosses my mind every single time I open up to someone, after they insist on listening, only for them to act like my feelings and problems don't matter. It's tempting, in a way, to make the statement like "You don't think I'm hurting? Well, here's PROOF of how much I've been hurt, now live with knowing you've helped push me to do it" as a way to pettily get back at them for making me feel worse when I took the risk of opening up about my feelings.

It's a bad idea.

There's an old saying that applies here: it's like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

It doesn't hurt them. Their behavior won't change. If they were capable of being a better person, they likely would be.

Personally, I'll be damned if I'd give anyone that satisfaction. Screw 'em. I'm still here, doing my thing, despite them.

Damn. This is really profound advice and a good way to put into words why it's better to stop and think instead of act on impulse.