Help CTB on impulse as revenge or proof of how much someone/the world has hurt you

[paroxyical]

This is what makes me so impulsive. Something happens where someone close to me is inconsiderate or horrible to me or just completely disregards my struggling and how much im trying. And then i get impulsive, and decide that now is the time to ctb

i dont wanna ctb on impulse but its so so difficult to keep that feeling away. How can i get it to go away, or alternatively do you think i may as well ctb now? everyone is gone for 3 hours so i could partial

 

[Ghost2211]

I use marijuana to handle the impulsiveness. For me at least mild sedation seems to be the only thing that is affective. There are other options such as things that distract you, stress toys, or just general calm down techniques. There is always talking to us as well.

 

[paroxyical]

I use marijuana to handle the impulsiveness. For me at least mild sedation seems to be the only thing that is affective. There are other options such as things that distract you, stress toys, or just general calm down techniques. There is always talking to us as well.

i have a lot of stim toys because of my autism. they do help.

i just get so angry. everyone turns them being a piece of shit back to me. makes me feel like im a terrible person and manipulate me into thinking its not actually them doing wrong.

i want to show that they hurt me every day. i want to show that i cant bear it anymore. but i can hardly fight back due to anxiety and due to how manipulative and cruel they can get.

i get homicidal thoughts due to this too. i wanna kill them and go to prison. or torture them. inside my head is a pretty bad place you know. i wanna traumatise them. shoot a bullet in my head whilst staring right at them.

i cant ever get the thoughts to die down. its a struggle.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles and as far as fighting off the impulses, maybe (this worked for me but it might not work for you so take it with a grain of salt) think about how you will CTB, all the steps and use the ragefuel and anger into planning so that way you will have a much greater chance of success when you do come to CTB. The thing about doing it impulsively is that there is a higher likelihood of failure.

 

[Ghost2211]

Is it possible to live significantly further away from them? It sounds like they are a pretty bad thing in your life.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

This is what makes me so impulsive. Something happens where someone close to me is inconsiderate or horrible to me or just completely disregards my struggling and how much im trying. And then i get impulsive, and decide that now is the time to ctb

i dont wanna ctb on impulse but its so so difficult to keep that feeling away. How can i get it to go away, or alternatively do you think i may as well ctb now? everyone is gone for 3 hours so i could partial

It's a bad idea.

There's an old saying that applies here: it's like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

It doesn't hurt them. Their behavior won't change. If they were capable of being a better person, they likely would be.

Personally, I'll be damned if I'd give anyone that satisfaction. Screw 'em. I'm still here, doing my thing, despite them.

 

[pole]

i have a lot of stim toys because of my autism. they do help.

i just get so angry. everyone turns them being a piece of shit back to me. makes me feel like im a terrible person and manipulate me into thinking its not actually them doing wrong.

i want to show that they hurt me every day. i want to show that i cant bear it anymore. but i can hardly fight back due to anxiety and due to how manipulative and cruel they can get.

i get homicidal thoughts due to this too. i wanna kill them and go to prison. or torture them. inside my head is a pretty bad place you know. i wanna traumatise them. shoot a bullet in my head whilst staring right at them.

i cant ever get the thoughts to die down. its a struggle.

sorry to hear about what you're going through.

have you talked to anyone in regards to you're homicidal thoughts and ideation? causing harm to others won't make you feel any better even if you think it will. and you having such thoughts DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON, so don't think of yourself as some messed up person, because you have such thoughts.

alot of people who are broken, have homicidal ideations and only a minority carry them out. alot just think about them but never have the intentions to carry them out and it seems as if you fall into this category to me. you've gone through so much, and i don't even know you so i quiet frankly don't understand how much you've gone through. these people you wanna hurt, i'm assuming they hurt you or made you feel some type of way? people who have wronged you? you're gonna have these negative feelings and resentment towards people who have done nothing but harm you physically and mentally. so such thoughts at times, of inflicting the pain you've felt onto others so they can understand and feel what you feel is normal. but it'll never make you feel any better than you already feel, and you'll be worse than those people. don't step down to their level.

as for you ctbing on impulse. you wanna be heard, you wanna be understand and you wanna be cared for. you wanna make a statement in you're ctb, be heard and forcibly show what the world and those around you has done, and how they've failed you. we definitely understand that. i'd suggest that when you are having these times of being felt invalidated or disregarded, to go to a place where you can feel accepted, validated. a place where you can have you're voice heard; what's a better place than this? step by into chat, post a thread in regards to venting and wanting to talk to people, let how you're feeling all out, instead of bottling it inside and having these emotions dictate you're decision-making and increase you're impulsivity. join the discord server and always have a support system you can rely on during such times. you asking if you should just go ahead and ctb now on impulse is you seeking reassurance. when the time is right, no one and their opinion and reassurance will ever matter. to me, even asking the question, and even doing it on impulse when you've been temporarily pushed to the edge, to me means it isn't you're time yet. that's just my opinion.

not sure if any of this will help, but i hope it somehow makes you feel a tiny bit better. hope you feel better and find peace. take care.

 

[paroxyical]

thank you all

Is it possible to live significantly further away from them? It sounds like they are a pretty bad thing in your life.

in october i will be going to university, if i can get out of my depression enough to actually pass my exams. and i would be moving about 3 hours away. theyre family so hard to cut out of my life but i will if i have to.

sorry to hear about what you're going through.

have you talked to anyone in regards to you're homicidal thoughts and ideation? causing harm to others won't make you feel any better even if you think it will. and you having such thoughts DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON, so don't think of yourself as some messed up person, because you have such thoughts.

alot of people who are broken, have homicidal ideations and only a minority carry them out. alot just think about them but never have the intentions to carry them out and it seems as if you fall into this category to me. you've gone through so much, and i don't even know you so i quiet frankly don't understand how much you've gone through. these people you wanna hurt, i'm assuming they hurt you or made you feel some type of way? people who have wronged you? you're gonna have these negative feelings and resentment towards people who have done nothing but harm you physically and mentally. so such thoughts at times, of inflicting the pain you've felt onto others so they can understand and feel what you feel is normal. but it'll never make you feel any better than you already feel, and you'll be worse than those people. don't step down to their level.

as for you ctbing on impulse. you wanna be heard, you wanna be understand and you wanna be cared for. you wanna make a statement in you're ctb, be heard and forcibly show what the world and those around you has done, and how they've failed you. we definitely understand that. i'd suggest that when you are having these times of being felt invalidated or disregarded, to go to a place where you can feel accepted, validated. a place where you can have you're voice heard; what's a better place than this? step by into chat, post a thread in regards to venting and wanting to talk to people, let how you're feeling all out, instead of bottling it inside and having these emotions dictate you're decision-making and increase you're impulsivity. join the discord server and always have a support system you can rely on during such times. you asking if you should just go ahead and ctb now on impulse is you seeking reassurance. when the time is right, no one and their opinion and reassurance will ever matter. to me, even asking the question, and even doing it on impulse when you've been temporarily pushed to the edge, to me means it isn't you're time yet. that's just my opinion.

not sure if any of this will help, but i hope it somehow makes you feel a tiny bit better. hope you feel better and find peace. take care.

They've hurt me since the day i was born. they hate me now more than before. but at least my dad has stopped abusing me so often. leaves you scarred tho especially when it was as a kid. theyre the reason for most of my mental health problems, im sure of it.

 

[pole]

thank you all



in october i will be going to university, if i can get out of my depression enough to actually pass my exams. and i would be moving about 3 hours away. theyre family so hard to cut out of my life but i will if i have to.


They've hurt me since the day i was born. they hate me now more than before. but at least my dad has stopped abusing me so often. leaves you scarred tho especially when it was as a kid. theyre the reason for most of my mental health problems, im sure of it.

you don't deserve that environment, especially if it's hurt that's brought upon you by those closest to you, family and you're own blood that should be doing the complete opposite and loving you. that's absolutely terrible. even if you're father doesn't abuse you every so often, being near him is still always gonna force you to remember what he did, regardless of if he doesn't anymore. that's terrible, that environment you're in is extremely negative and that energy is the last thing you need. it's the source of you're suffering, pain and heartache.

is there anyway you can leave, move or escape? if there's ever a chance for you to get better, it's in a different environment than that of you're own pain and suffering. you can't ever heal in the same environment that hurt you and shaped you're pain and ideations. i hope you somehow get out and perhaps move away somehow and have the opportunity to better yourself with a change of scenario.

 

[Deleted member 14386]

odd as it may sound, I like to juggle and spin poi (large LED balls on a rope). You can't think about much when they're flying toward your face

 

[paroxyical]

you don't deserve that environment, especially if it's hurt that's brought upon you by those closest to you, family and you're own blood that should be doing the complete opposite and loving you. that's absolutely terrible. even if you're father doesn't abuse you every so often, being near him is still always gonna force you to remember what he did, regardless of if he doesn't anymore. that's terrible, that environment you're in is extremely negative and that energy is the last thing you need. it's the source of you're suffering, pain and heartache.

is there anyway you can leave, move or escape? if there's ever a chance for you to get better, it's in a different environment than that of you're own pain and suffering. you can't ever heal in the same environment that hurt you and shaped you're pain and ideations. i hope you somehow get out and perhaps move away somehow and have the opportunity to better yourself with a change of scenario.

if im alive and do well in my exams, i'll be out by october, hopefully.

 

[pole]

if im alive and do well in my exams, i'll be out by october, hopefully.

hopefully you're exams go well, and you're out of that negative environment and hope you find a new one that allows you to better yourself in October.

take care and goodluck with everything, and i hope you update us with you're situation or for the purposes of venting and letting it all out.

 

[blackballoon]

odd as it may sound, I like to juggle and spin poi (large LED balls on a rope). You can't think about much when they're flying toward your face

A fellow poi spinner... I just started spinning again today after years of not practicing.

 

[Deleted member 14386]

A fellow poi spinner... I just started spinning again today after years of not practicing.

You never lose it I'm telling ya! I was gonna put something on youtube but I don't think linking is allowed. It's new for me but I've been juggling for nearly a decade, unicycles too it's like riding a bike haha

 

[Montmorency_1]

I don't want to encourage it, but personally I find cutting is relieving. I don't mean anything deep that would require medical intervention (I never understand people who do it to the extent that they have to get treatment. You have to be disciplined so that it's just enough to satisfy your urges, but also to allow you to carry on with your day). I'm confused by people who do it severely. Surely it's counter intuitive? If you do it *really badly* somebody is just going to notice. You have to do it discreetly and silently, or you'll face the usual lectures about it being 'maladaptive'.

People have suggested ice cubes as an alternative, but it's nothing like the real thing.

 

[paroxyical]

I don't want to encourage it, but personally I find cutting is relieving. I don't mean anything deep that would require medical intervention (I never understand people who do it to the extent that they have to get treatment. You have to be disciplined so that it's just enough to satisfy your urges, but also to allow you to carry on with your day). I'm confused by people who do it severely. Surely it's counter intuitive? If you do it *really badly* somebody is just going to notice. You have to do it discreetly and silently, or you'll face the usual lectures about it being 'maladaptive'.

People have suggested ice cubes as an alternative, but it's nothing like the real thing.

ive started cutting again as of yesterday. ive missed the blood

 

[Montmorency_1]

ive started cutting again as of yesterday. ive missed the blood

There's something satisfying about the pain, and, yes, the blood too. It started off as just a way to release tension pr whatever I was feeling, but now I'll be in class or something and I'll suddenly just have this urge to do something, run in front of a car, jump off a bridge, cutting is the lesser option I guess.

 

[paroxyical]

There's something satisfying about the pain, and, yes, the blood too. It started off as just a way to release tension pr whatever I was feeling, but now I'll be in class or something and I'll suddenly just have this urge to do something, run in front of a car, jump off a bridge, cutting is the lesser option I guess.

i used to be addicted, i'd cut my fingers under the table in lessons. ask to borrow other people's sharpeners just to go to the bathroom and get the blade out and cut myself.

i stopped for a while

i actually dont like the pain of actually cutting as much. im very sensitive to it coz of my autism. i do like putting body spray or hand sanitizer in the cut though, thats a nice pain.

 

[Montmorency_1]

i used to be addicted, i'd cut my fingers under the table in lessons. ask to borrow other people's sharpeners just to go to the bathroom and get the blade out and cut myself.

i stopped for a while

i actually dont like the pain of actually cutting as much. im very sensitive to it coz of my autism. i do like putting body spray or hand sanitizer in the cut though, thats a nice pain.

I get the bit about the hand sanitiser. When I have a shower afterwards when the cuts are still fresh it burns and stings. That feels good, I dig my nails in to my hands sometimes. You just have to let them grow out a bit.

 

[Pan]

I can relate. Parental abuse shattered my psyche. I want revenge against my parents—-the hate runs deep. Can anyone relate to this?

i have a lot of stim toys because of my autism. they do help.

i just get so angry. everyone turns them being a piece of shit back to me. makes me feel like im a terrible person and manipulate me into thinking its not actually them doing wrong.

i want to show that they hurt me every day. i want to show that i cant bear it anymore. but i can hardly fight back due to anxiety and due to how manipulative and cruel they can get.

i get homicidal thoughts due to this too. i wanna kill them and go to prison. or torture them. inside my head is a pretty bad place you know. i wanna traumatise them. shoot a bullet in my head whilst staring right at them.

i cant ever get the thoughts to die down. its a struggle.

I hear you, and relate wholeheartedly. Oh, if only I could wreak revenge on my family!

 

[Jean4]

I am a impulsive CTBer. I can't control it or stop it when I get into that state. There is no way for me to know when it can happen. Something can trigger me, of nothing at all.

When it happens, I have enough sense in my out of control mind to come here and scream for help.

It has worked for me. I'm still here.

 

[Montmorency_1]

I can relate. Parental abuse shattered my psyche. I want revenge against my parents—-the hate runs deep. Can anyone relate to this?

I hear you, and relate wholeheartedly. Oh, if only I could wreak revenge on my family!

I hold a lot of grudges against my parents. They hurt me more than they will ever be able to comprehend. I know this because I am sure they dont have the capacity for true self reflection or any form of introspection. But I'm also conflicted. I love them and some times I think it's my fault. I caused all of the problems. It's tiring never knowing whether to hate them or love them. But I agree, having the last say is empowering.

 

[paroxyical]

I am a impulsive CTBer. I can't control it or stop it when I get into that state. There is no way for me to know when it can happen. Something can trigger me, of nothing at all.

When it happens, I have enough sense in my out of control mind to come here and scream for help.

It has worked for me. I'm still here.

me too ive attempted so many times, most recently yesterday or the day before idk i have a bad memory

 

[Jean4]

me too ive attempted so many times, most recently yesterday or the day before idk i have a bad memory

I have a bad memory too. Today I got out of the shower (I write it down to remind me to do so) and I don't remember if I washed the conditioner out of my hair lol.

 

[paroxyical]

I have a bad memory too. Today I got out of the shower (I write it down to remind me to do so) and I don't remember if I washed the conditioner out of my hair lol.

that's so me ive done that before where ive got out the shower and then 10 minutes later wondered why my hair was wet if i hadnt showered yet.

 

[Pan]

Remember that
Youaren't alone with this, brother, am right behind you, every step of the way. I hear your pain through the posts and see your avatar and shed a tear for you. Remember too that you have to learn to live with this for the rest of your life. That isn't easy, but in a world without justice what ultimately is, right? Your rage at being victimized is apparent; you don't deserve it and you never did! No wonder that I am prone to telling folks that I was hatched.

 

[Jean4]

that's so me ive done that before where ive got out the shower and then 10 minutes later wondered why my hair was wet if i hadnt showered yet.

Or forgetting if you washed your face lol.

 

[Pan]

You'll be okay, brother; but your frustration is evident, you want to cry out, to speak, and the insensitivity of those who refuse to listen maddens you. No wonder. My guess is that you are actually an emotionally honest person who feels stymied in your ability to express it. There is NOTHING more frustrating that seeing your grief somehow thwarted or bottled up. After all, speech is supposedly free, right? Consider yourself one of the fortunate few—-you want redress, closure, and the lemmings won't listen. That is because they ARE lemmings.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

I have said this before. I will say this again.

If you care about how the world looks after you are no longer in it, then stay in it.

 

[Pryras]

Oh I feel you completely, I was recently in the same boat too. That I could leave someone who devastated me, my life and CTB because of all the pain they caused but in reality......i came to the realization that it wouldn't do anything for me.

Truth is, people who hurt and disregard others without concern don't care. Mine didn't care when he saw my face full of tears, he did not care when I lost my car and everything i had left, if I lost my life he might dwell for a bit or not at all. Life goes on and for those void of empathy your death will not be in the forethought of their minds.

Your pain is valid but that bozo doesn't matter, don't give them importance over your life. You are better and they are not worth it.