Help CTB in mid January--how to deal with friends?

[shuteyefish]

Good day, everyone.

I have a good amount of close friends. Some have been around for years, while others I talk to almost daily. You can tell there's a lot of attachment involved.

Do I cut them off? Slowly fade out of their lives? Is there literally any way to make this matter less to them? I don't think they would want a note. If I don't cut them off before I CTB, do I notify them with something along the lines of 'if you're reading this, I'm dead', or do I let them simply figure it out on their own?

If anyone has any insight, I'd be happy to listen. Thank you for reading!

 

[U. A.]

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[OliverGarden]

If they truly care (and you think they can't do anything e.g call the cops on you for it), express to them your desires. Let them know your plans and rough timelines. It'll be horrible for both of you, but as the person above me said, there is literally no "harmless" alternative. You know your friends best of course, so maybe you know they wouldn't wanna know in advance, in which case you can do whatever you prefer - but I think most people would wanna know so they can try to help you feel better in some way, or if that's unavoidable, it would help them better plan for your passing. Maybe they'll distance themselves from you, or maybe they'll be closer than ever. Who knows? But you NEED to be prepared to pass of almost unlivable levels of grief onto them. If you have Reddit, I recommend you check places like r/SuicideBereavement to see how the survivors of victims feel and what their usual questions/worries/doubts/grievances are. It would help guide you towards doing what's best for you and your friends, potentially.

 

[shuteyefish]

If they truly care (and you think they can't do anything e.g call the cops on you for it), express to them your desires. Let them know your plans and rough timelines. It'll be horrible for both of you, but as the person above me said, there is literally no "harmless" alternative. You know your friends best of course, so maybe you know they wouldn't wanna know in advance, in which case you can do whatever you prefer - but I think most people would wanna know so they can try to help you feel better in some way, or if that's unavoidable, it would help them better plan for your passing. Maybe they'll distance themselves from you, or maybe they'll be closer than ever. Who knows? But you NEED to be prepared to pass of almost unlivable levels of grief onto them. If you have Reddit, I recommend you check places like r/SuicideBereavement to see how the survivors of victims feel and what their usual questions/worries/doubts/grievances are. It would help guide you towards doing what's best for you and your friends, potentially.

Thank you for replying. What you wrote opened my eyes--I hadn't even considered telling my friends beforehand. It makes sense, in retrospect, that giving them the choice of what to do would be best. This is great advice.

Additionally, I have been looking through r/SuicideBereavement for a while now, and it has helped tremendously as I prepare to CTB. Still, I am grateful you mentioned that place, and recommend it to those in a similar situation as I am.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Imo telling them beforehand is far worse for them, because you'll be telling them about a horrible tragedy (from their perspective) that's going to happen, when they have no way to stop it (except in ways you might not want). Unless of course you want to be talked out of it & don't mind the police coming by for a wellness check, etc. It will feel worse for them knowing it's coming than it will feel for them after the fact, it's just adding extra trauma unnecessarily.

 

[monetpompo]

a horrible tragedy (from their perspective) that's going to happen, when they have no way to stop it (except in ways you might not want). Unless of course you want to be talked out of it & don't mind the police coming by for a wellness check, etc. It will feel worse for them knowing it's coming than it will feel for them after the fact, it's just adding extra trauma unnecessarily.

hard agree here. i wouldn't tell them, even if you want to. no one responds well and i'd be very worried about a wellness check. there isn't much you can do to sweet talk the police once they come by. i was friends with someone from sasu and she was working up to her ctb date, and it was kind of painful to be friends with her because even in moments where i got tired of talking to her i had to keep going because she was going to die and i had to be there for her. i cut ties with her after she said she lengthened her ctb date because i couldn't handle the constant stress and preemptive grief that came from waiting for her to die so that i wouldn't have to be nervous about it anymore. from my perspective, it may seem all "me, me, me", and maybe it is.

it's just very stressful for me to be friends with someone that i know is going to die and there's nothing i can do to make them not die or not leave me. you committing suicide or having suicidal thoughts can also be a social contagion for other people and make them suicidal as well. i think it'd be best to push people away or not tell them. pushing people away or acting distant is easier because you don't have to mask your feelings. most friends would try to encourage you to keep living or try to do things for you to make you happy when they sense/hear about you being depressed.

 

[orvreader]

Imo telling them beforehand is far worse for them, because you'll be telling them about a horrible tragedy (from their perspective) that's going to happen, when they have no way to stop it (except in ways you might not want). Unless of course you want to be talked out of it & don't mind the police coming by for a wellness check, etc. It will feel worse for them knowing it's coming than it will feel for them after the fact, it's just adding extra trauma unnecessarily.

Won't a surprise tragedy be more horrifying? They would feel like they could've 'prevented' it, "if only I had noticed earlier" or something along those lines. Plus they're friends, and friendships are built on trust; hiding things other than a surprise birthday party is stranger-level trust, not friend-level trust; so not only would they feel needless regret/guilt, they'd also feel betrayed to some extent i think.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

hard agree here. i wouldn't tell them, even if you want to. no one responds well and i'd be very worried about a wellness check. there isn't much you can do to sweet talk the police once they come by. i was friends with someone from sasu and she was working up to her ctb date, and it was kind of painful to be friends with her because even in moments where i got tired of talking to her i had to keep going because she was going to die and i had to be there for her. i cut ties with her after she said she lengthened her ctb date because i couldn't handle the constant stress and preemptive grief that came from waiting for her to die so that i wouldn't have to be nervous about it anymore. from my perspective, it may seem all "me, me, me", and maybe it is.

it's just very stressful for me to be friends with someone that i know is going to die and there's nothing i can do to make them not die or not leave me. you committing suicide or having suicidal thoughts can also be a social contagion for other people and make them suicidal as well. i think it'd be best to push people away or not tell them. pushing people away or acting distant is easier because you don't have to mask your feelings. most friends would try to encourage you to keep living or try to do things for you to make you happy when they sense/hear about you being depressed.

Yes, it's putting stress on them for no reason. However I did receive a wellness check once (when I had no plans of anything at that time) and the cops realized quickly that there was no good reason for the check. If I were to receive a wellness check now (now that I'm actually planning) I would play it off like everything's fine & nothing would come of it. But that's not going to happen, nobody has any reason to make the call.

 

[kuroshimi]

It's going to hurt anyway and dying unexpectedly will be shocking. Cutting off and slowly fading off may can be very stressful, especially if it seems to be without reason.

Maybe it worth to tell them if they really care, as it can be helpful in one way or another. But, as said, you should be prepared for this.

As for me, I only told about my ideation to some of my closest internet friends - that was helpful, as I see that they really care about me. Not specifying my plans or direct intentions though.

 

[sanctionedusage]

there is literally no way to not harm them unless you methodically drifted out of their life and waited years. if you drift out for a month, you're fresh in their memory and they'll know what you were really doing when you started distancing yourself once they find out you killed yourself.

but definitely don't warn them ahead of time. THAT would make them feel like "they could've prevented it." and they might even succeed in doing just that. this is the kind of reassurance you'd want to leave in your note, not tell them before it actually happens.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Won't a surprise tragedy be more horrifying? They would feel like they could've 'prevented' it, "if only I had noticed earlier" or something along those lines. Plus they're friends, and friendships are built on trust; hiding things other than a surprise birthday party is stranger-level trust, not friend-level trust; so not only would they feel needless regret/guilt, they'd also feel betrayed to some extent i think.

No. It's making the decision to make & keep them heartsick, sick to their stomachs with worry & panic up until whenever it happens. It's putting a burden on them. There will be far worse regret that they knew in advance and still couldn't prevent it. It will make them feel completely powerless. No, that's not how adult friendships work, you'll learn that. Not putting them through all the extra heartache is more important than sharing things that will hurt them even more. Some things are not appropriate to share, this is one of them.

 

[orvreader]

No. It's making the decision to make & keep them heartsick, sick to their stomachs with worry & panic up until whenever it happens. It's putting a burden on them. There will be far worse regret that they knew in advance and still couldn't prevent it. It will make them feel completely powerless. No, that's not how adult friendships work, you'll learn that. Not putting them through all the extra heartache is more important than sharing things that will hurt them even more. Some things are not appropriate to share, this is one of them.

Makes sense, knowing in advance would likely heighten the guilt and powerlessness; sorry, I'm new to this adult friendships thing lol