Venting CTB Guilt While In a Relationship

[perfectparting]

I'm planning to ctb by hanging this weekend, I know my boyfriend won't be able to know I'm doing this at the specific time I picked. But I can't help but feel guilty. I feel bad that when he comes back after the weekend the first thing he'll see is my note. He's the only reason I'm writing a note, I don't want anything unanswered for him. This burden of guilt is kind of making me not want to ctb. I know his mental health is bad too and I don't want to make it worse. I love this guy. I wanted to see how much my attempt would work so I did a "test" last night. While I felt my throat tighten up I couldn't help but freak out. I'm worried this guilt will get in the way of SI.

 

[Tiredofbeingtired77]

I'm planning to ctb by hanging this weekend, I know my boyfriend won't be able to know I'm doing this at the specific time I picked. But I can't help but feel guilty. I feel bad that when he comes back after the weekend the first thing he'll see is my note. He's the only reason I'm writing a note, I don't want anything unanswered for him. This burden of guilt is kind of making me not want to ctb. I know his mental health is bad too and I don't want to make it worse. I love this guy. I wanted to see how much my attempt would work so I did a "test" last night. While I felt my throat tighten up I couldn't help but freak out. I'm worried this guilt will get in the way of SI.

Have a similar issue with my partner. Idk how old you are, and how long you've circled & come back to ctb but I assume it's been serious given the intent.

What I've landed on after struggling to fight this for literally half my life now/since 16, If conventional therapy and medication hasn't meaningfully broken you out of this pattern, there is no reason to believe some magical thing will come along and fix it. By extension.. you can either ctb now and let partner deal with the trauma of this upfront, or live a life compromised by this and let it drag him down for as long as you keep trying to fight the urge. But you can't just live for his sake. You're brave for dealing with what must be dealt with and putting a hard stop on the pain you feel.

 

[slightoverlooked]

Its part of ctb. When I attempted in November and was in an induced coma and my chances of living were slim I had traumatised so many of my friends and family. The guilt was eating me up and it still does. Sadly we need to be aware that we r traumatising our loved ones for the rest of their lives and that some might even ctb as well. I know it sounds harsh but thats the sad reality :( It also shows though that we were loved and I am still unsure if I want to ctb again or hold out for some of the people that I love and hold dear to my heart.

 

[MapleS]

Have you ever thought about altervatives?
going to therapy, meds, TALKING TO YOUR BOYFRIEND about your problems

I mean I think seeing alternatives is very important. It is important to know what you are doing. If you are still choosing to die it's your decision and it's valid.

Of course you have right to die but if there's something in you that wanna try than (especially if you never tried or thought about it than I encourage you to give a minute to that thought)

 

[sinnrr-sistrr]

It does seem to me at least that you still have some thing(s) to live for. You may want to try turning that guilt of making your boyfriend sad into a drive to make him happy. Remember, ctb is a one-time thing, so if you still care about some things in life it might be worth for you to reconsider and seek those things you still care about.

In any case, if you go through with it, you will traumatize your bf. There's no sugar-coating it. He'll be traumatized by losing the person he loves. It's up to you to determine if that matters to you or not.