Venting ctb date might need to be moved. dont know if i can make myself live that long

[black.dahlia]

im ready to go, and i wanted to go before school started back up in the fall. school itself overwhelms me too much, but thats not the point of the issue.
i wanted to go after the 4th, which is a major holiday, and i know it would cause too much unnecessary trauma to do it around a day everyone celebrates. but i just learned that someone i know has a birthday in the middle of the month. so now i dont know what to fucking do. id ask for advice but i feel too numb and unmotivated to articulate my thoughts properly.
i know a huge part of wanting to kill yourself is the loss of empathy, but for some reason im stuck on the fact that id be killing myself a week before this person's birthday. what am i supposed to do? i guess the obvious answer is to wait, but god that seems like such a long wait. im drained. im exhausted. i shouldve been smart and did it a week ago, but i got stuck on little things like notes and journals. this is so much work and im just so fucking tired. everythings too much. im too much. im such an issue and a bad person and so weak and just so worn down. i wish some sort of god could crush me into pieces and start over again.

 

[YosemiteGrrl]

im ready to go, and i wanted to go before school started back up in the fall. school itself overwhelms me too much, but thats not the point of the issue.
i wanted to go after the 4th, which is a major holiday, and i know it would cause too much unnecessary trauma to do it around a day everyone celebrates. but i just learned that someone i know has a birthday in the middle of the month. so now i dont know what to fucking do. id ask for advice but i feel too numb and unmotivated to articulate my thoughts properly.
i know a huge part of wanting to kill yourself is the loss of empathy, but for some reason im stuck on the fact that id be killing myself a week before this person's birthday. what am i supposed to do? i guess the obvious answer is to wait, but god that seems like such a long wait. im drained. im exhausted. i shouldve been smart and did it a week ago, but i got stuck on little things like notes and journals. this is so much work and im just so fucking tired. everythings too much. im too much. im such an issue and a bad person and so weak and just so worn down. i wish some sort of god could crush me into pieces and start over again.

I hear you. And to be considerate of your friend's birthday shows that you are not a bad person just in a tremendous amount of pain.