CTB attempts

[Kokonoe]

been trying to ctb all day. last almost successful attempt at fsh (almost bc my bitch sister found me, bc ofc she did...) wasn't hard to set up. i used bedsheets and tied it to the beams in my room, and it worked. now i'm trying to repeat it and it's so much harder than before for some reason. i even went out and bought a real rope (the bedsheets i used before are gone now bc no shit, and the rest in the house aren't long enough or are too thick to make work), and even with a real rope it's so hard to get right again. i can barely reach the beams now that i got all my ladders taken away so it's even more difficult. i really don't trust this rope at all but it's all i could find nearby and ordering stuff online isn't really an option. and like i just can't get the knots i've done a million times before to work right for some reason. the noose knot keeps giving more slack under pressure. so i dont know what i'm doing wrong to cause that. it's infuriating. i really need to die today. i can't live anymore. i feel ready to pass out from exhaustion but i need to figure this out and die so desperately.
I think i got it set up good enough now. i know "good enough" is a bad idea but the pain really doesn't scare me, i don't care how much i suffer before i die. and i also don't really care if i get seriously hurt if it fails. i want to hurt myself, i don't care how.
now i just need to overcome SI. which is. really hard...

 

[Kokonoe]

SI kicked my ass. but holy shit that feels like it was the closest i've ever gotten. i don't know how to feel right now. it's so fucking hard and i'm scared. even after numbing the SI with every substance i could get. i ask myself why keep living, and it all points towards death for me. i'll only keep suffering every time i wake back up. so why am i so scared of never waking up again?
i'm such a fucking failure. i can't do it. i'm so pissed. i'm so fucked up i can barely even stand. i wish i was stronger. i wish i wasn't so weak. i wish i wasn't so pathetic. if sis saw this she would just laugh at me. it's so fucking upsetting. just let me die already please.

 

[Kokonoe]

all my attempts failed. i just couldn't do it. i don't know what my problem is other than that i'm completely fucking useless.
engaging in as much self abusive behavior as i can to make up for it. i got a new knife to sh with and god does it feel fucking good.
i keep trying. it isn't working. please god let me die. i can't do this anymore.