Resource Coping with a lack of affection

[Sprite_Geist]

"If no woman wants to date you when you are unemployed and living in your mother's basement, then the only reason they're open to dating you when you are in a different position socially/materially is just that."

If a man wants to date you who is unemployed does he want to have the girl pay for everything they do together? Is his reason for dating her to have free meals, vacations and entertainment? You could turn your logic around that way.

You are correct in that this logic could be reversed. However: GenesAndEnvironment probably did not mean to suggest that a man (or woman) should expect to be given free things from a potential romantic partner. He could have been talking more about discriminating against someone based on their social status. In other words: there is a difference between expecting your partner to support themselves, which is reasonable, and looking down on someone who is unemployed just because they are unemployed. This is how I interpreted it.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

You are correct in that this logic could be reversed. However: GenesAndEnvironment probably did not mean to suggest that a man (or woman) should expect to be given free things from a potential romantic partner. He could have been talking more about discriminating against someone based on their social status. In other words: there is a difference between expecting your partner to support themselves, which is reasonable, and looking down on someone who is unemployed just because they are unemployed. This is how I interpreted it.

Didn't make this sort of reply as to not stoke the flames of the gender war that frequently flares up around these parts. I also recently (today) started to put all of the blame for everything in my life on myself, so my anger against social structures or whatever isn't there anymore. But yes, I did not write that to score a gender war "point" but rather because it's a piece of reasoning that relieved some of my pain.

The only one discriminating is genes. Against women.

Is this your way of hitting on me? I am not against an e-marriage--if you want it...

Edit: too slow

 

[Meditation guide]

He could have been talking more about discriminating against someone based on their social status.

The only one discriminating is genes. Some men just dislike women and it's obvious he's one of them.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

The only one discriminating is genes. Some men just dislike women and it's obvious he's one of them.

Bruh, you don't know me.

 

[Meditation guide]

Bruh, you don't know me.

You write about your ideas enough to form an obvious conclusion.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

You write about your ideas enough to form an obvious conclusion.

The conclusion is that I'm pathetic, not that I hate women.

 

[deflationary]

I also recently (today) started to put all of the blame for everything in my life on myself

Yuck. I preferred GenesAndEnvironment to SoulAndFreeWill.

 

[Makko]

How do you cope when people do give you affection but it feels like a nuisance and gives you nothing positive, and also you hate being touched at all?

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

How do you cope when people do give you affection but it feels like a nuisance and gives you nothing positive,

Become a person that no one will want to give affection to, isolate yourself more, find some way to not get annoyed by it, I think there are lots of ways.

and also you hate being touched at all?

Start accusing everyone of sexual harassment at all times, might keep em back.

 

[Makko]

Become a person that no one will want to give affection to, isolate yourself more, find some way to not get annoyed by it, I think there are lots of ways.

Start accusing everyone of sexual harassment at all times, might keep em back.

Doomer style.

 

[motel rooms]

I also recently (today) started to put all of the blame for everything in my life on myself, so my anger against social structures or whatever isn't there anymore.

You weren't open to the healing powers of self-hatred before today?

 

[Deleted member 8975]

Alright I'll bite…assuming this thread isn't a meme.

None of those things OP have helped me cope. 31 y/o virgin. I've been called an incel and mgtow which I'm not really sure how I feel about. Things that have happened in my life have deeply disturbed and nearly destroyed my trust in people. I have turned into a misanthrope.

I never had a girlfriend. People have claimed to be interested in me but abandon me shortly thereafter. I see this often as an observer to other's interactions between sexes. Women are quick to find a flaw that they then jump to "ghost and block." Not communicating things is a sign of immense immaturity to me. That amount of times I have been blocked or treated poorly without the willingness to communicate could fill a field.

Of course I crave affection like I'd imagine many do. But as you've implied, if you have nothing going for you, if you don't work and have no aspirations (realistically speaking) then you are worthless. I don't know about Trans as was mentioned earlier but I can say, again from my own real life experiences and observations, if you are a women with no aspirations, job, essentially "a life" you will STILL be valuable to a man. This does not work the other way around. I have never seen a man who was in my situation be able to attract ANYONE no matter how physically, emotionally, or intelligently attractive they were. A man's attractiveness seems to revolve around money and the ability to provide for the female. This is obviously in hetero relationships and I cant speak for other non binary non hetero.

The closest I ever had to intimacy was with a girl I met at college for a week. I ask if she wanted to have hot chocolate with me and we wound up talking late at night at a restaurant. As it got really late, she asked to go for a walk and I brought her to my neighborhood I lived near shops and a fountain, a park and all that. As soon as we got there and got out of the car, it started to rain. One thing led to another and we wound up sleeping together (non sexually). For one week her and I managed to actually sleep without any issues. My life had finally started to feel like it had meaning. And then she decided she didn't like living with someone who had tremmors and collapsing and decided to leave me. While I was shaking from an attack.

People have told me it's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved and to that I say "bullshit." I would have rather never had met her then to have had my heart and soul played with like that and whereever whenever it seems you look for a lady…ladies are an extinct species. I see people online saying "men only want sex" and all this bullshit but it's lies. It's completely the other way around. When you look for a lady on an app, 99% of them ONLY WANT SEX or a short term relation, FWB. If you mention anything along the lines of marriage or long term they all laugh in your face and treat you like you're a rapist. Trying to find an actual honest woman is like trying to find the lost city of atlantis or the holy grail. I've been on this planet and with a plethora of other issues that I now question the reality of love whatsoever. Love just doesn't seem real to me anymore.

My definition of love has been far deeper than any floosie I've seen either on the street or online. Love is what I gave my dad the moment he died. When I slept on an icy cold icu floor the night he died. When as he was intubated, I held him in his bed when I was 14 and read to him as he took his last breath and the machines started beeping. When I screamed as my uncle tried to pull me away from him and the doctors and the rush of it all…

No one I've ever met in my life has EVER understood love the way I do and ya know what? None of them deserved it the way I understood it.

And that's why I despise people. Why I despise love itself. Why I despise my own urges and needs and wants. I'm beholden to them. A slave. I did not choose to need intimacy. I did not choose to be given this outta wack insatiable sex drive. Or the desire to hold hands or have any kind romance. I don't REALLY desire any of it. What I desire was to have never existed. That would have been a mercy. Every second on this planet alone like this is TORTURE and I HATE my government and the governments at large for not only outlawing suicide but not assisting in it and allowing us to leave in a fucking dignified way.

Well since I've lost it. I'll leave it at that. No doubt some one will come along and throw up all over this post because it seems in the time that I left and came back, people here are meaner and more critical of each other than before.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

You weren't open to the healing powers of self-hatred before today?

No hatred or beating myself up over it was involved, thankfully. It did give me some sense of being able to decide my own future. Until I was open to first-person as a valid perspective I didn't really have it. I had it before I thought up hard determinism, of course, but I was so young then. Even if I don't go into spooky territories about mind/brain stuff, it still makes sense for the videogame and its quests/stuff to be "real" even if a computer is producing everything. Meaning, it would be strange to not play the videogame because it's made by a computer, or even to think about the computer (mistake?).

 

[motel rooms]

No hatred or beating myself up over it was involved, thankfully. It did give me some sense of being able to decide my own future. Until I was open to first-person as a valid perspective I didn't really have it. I had it before I thought up hard determinism, of course, but I was so young then. Even if I don't go into spooky territories about mind/brain stuff, it still makes sense for the videogame and its quests/stuff to be "real" even if a computer is producing everything. Meaning, it would be strange to not play the videogame because it's made by a computer, or even to think about the computer (mistake?).

Do you think you could cultivate some self-compassion?

 

[motel rooms]

How do you cope when people do give you affection but it feels like a nuisance and gives you nothing positive, and also you hate being touched at all?

Peel off your skin, let all the people around you see that you're actually the blackest of black cats, & proceed to peel off their skins

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Man I miss affection in such a way that might very well lead to my suicide. Ten years single @ 36 :(

 

[Simba]

I'm pansexual (which is basically bisexual but fancy), that means I date pretty much everyone who is an adult regardless of gender. Yet I'm still suffering from severe loneliness and I didn't receive much affection or intimacy in my life. I think a lot of this has to do with me being trans and the social anxiety, which makes interactions with humans difficult on a fundamental level. And fact is, nobody wants to date trans people. Here is a study that proves this:

New Research Shows a Vast Majority of Cis People Won't Date Trans People

A recent study attempts to quantify the extent of trans discrimination when it comes to romantic and sexual relationships.

www.them.us

So if you're trans, you're pretty much fucked when it comes to dating. It literally kills your dating experience and that's why most trans people date within the trans community. It's the only way to avoid loneliness for many of us.
Lack of affection and love isn't the worst thing ever but I've also been depraved of love from my parents during my entire childhood (this probably caused my BPD), which is most likely the reason why it's so difficult to manage today. I didn't get to feel any kind of love or affection basically my entire life. And it's difficult to go through all that existential pain and suffering alone. I would still be suicidal, even in a relationship, but it would be a lot easier to endure the struggle with someone else by your side, for sure... if you had someone close that would support and assist you in the dark moments. Instead, I'm lonely all the time, 24/7. No friends either. Combine this with the hatred you experience as a trans person on a daily base, it slowly eats you up from inside. It makes you a bitter person. You don't really feel appreciated by anyone if all you receive all day is loathing and exclusion.

We shouldn't turn this into a men vs women thing because I know plenty of people regardless of gender that are lonely. And if you're a woman who is heterosexual, you mostly gain the attraction of horny dudes that simply see you as fuckmeat. I've made this experience first hand on countless of dating apps. Like, it's all about sex for some men and it's really bothering me. I really understand the struggle from the perspective of cis-women.

I have no problem with trans or gays or anyone for that matter.. you still have us you know ,to me for instance first is personality ,not saying looks dont matter but at end of day what matters more is the inside of a person not outside.. apps like tiner is basicly you swipe yes or no or whatever pretty much on looks ,would be nice if the users wouldve put some information but not all even do that.. i can be your friend if you want ,i can also relate to fact being suicidal even in relationship ,i also think that if i were in a relationship id probably still have suicidal thoughts etc but at least id have someone beside me n not all by myself with my thougts n feelings.. (hugs you )

How do you cope when people do give you affection but it feels like a nuisance and gives you nothing positive, and also you hate being touched at all?

Sometimes makes me feel bad like idk.. i like hugging people and i tend to overshare (so my mammy says) and all that .. you just think oh there must be a reason behind that idk also i have PDD-NOS (form of autism) and im usualy oks with regular touching ,maybe sometimes when im moody i don't really like idk like mammy could just touch my arm and id just quicky move it ,like automaticly ..so idk

 

[Makko]

Peel off your skin, let all the people around you see that you're actually the blackest of black cats, & proceed to peel off their skins

What else can you do when you get more positive stimulation from hostile interactions than friendly ones.

 

[orangepotato]

Me too. I legitimately think that a girl giving me a tight hug and letting me cry would have saved my life back in my 20s. But no one seemed to give a shit about the struggles I was going through. Now I'm 35 and damaged beyond repair. Even if someone did love me right now it's too fucking late.