Contemplating going to an escort lady gave me interesting insights about contemplation of suicide

[noname223]

Today I contemplated to message an escort lady. The situation was very similar to contemplating suicide. I was chatting with my friends. There was this back and forth in my head. There were racing thoughts. It made me really nervous. I felt a lot is hinging on that. Eventually,I messaged the escort lady but the exact moment I did it I felt very strong emotions. There was a lot of anxiety and also regret. I sort of panicked. I wanted to message her 12 p.m. and I actually messaged her 3 a.m.

With my SN I wanted to take it 10 a.m. and my friends called the police which visited my house 11 a.m. I wonder if more time has passed whether I would have taken it.

To sum it up. I realized that I am a very rational person. I am weighing up the pros and cons a lot. Especially if the decision seems to be important to me. And thb there are very good rational reasons to kill myself in the next few months. I think I will panic once I drank the SN. There might be regret and remorse. But rationally: I cannot win this game. It is too rigged against me. I even got paranoid with the escort lady. I am damaged beyond repair. I think I won't go to an escort lady anymore. But I am not fully sure.

I am a shattered existence.

 

[chaosdrifter]

Thanks for sharing all of this. It sounds like you're going through so much right now, and that must feel very heavy. The way you described your thoughts and emotions shows how deeply you're reflecting on everything, and I think it's important to acknowledge how hard it is to sit with those feelings and still put them into words like you did.

It struck me when you said you're rational and weigh things carefully. I think that's a big part of what's making this so hard—you're trying to think through everything logically, but emotions aren't something you can always logic your way out of. And that's okay. Feeling regret, anxiety, and even panic in moments like this doesn't mean you're broken or beyond repair—it just means you're human, dealing with a lot of pain.

I'm not sure whether I fully believe it myself, but i've had experiences, where talking to someone, be it a random stranger, a trusted friend, or maybe an escort, or just having a pleasant encounter with someone did make a difference. Especially when everything feels so overwhelming.