Babaa
New Member
- May 19, 2023
- 2
This is my first post on here, so please excuse if I do anything wrong or saying anything bad, I'm trying really hard to learn the acronyms but it's kind of difficult because I can't find that many resources for them...
I have a little over four bottles of 30% vodka. It'll be a disgusting death, lord knows I've gotten so severely drunk I've puked for two days then was hospitalized... But if it doesn't work, it'll just look like I drank too much. I'm kind of known in my family as the stupid drunk that starts drinking at 11 in the morning till 12 at night. I know that I will have to drink a lot, but I think I'm pretty set on how much I'll need.
I've been dealing with attempts since I was 10 years old, I've been in the psych ward around 20 times just in my adult years and I'm only 21. Bipolar and BPD are a bitch, but I got denied SSI again, and at this point I'm just sorta... Done. My anxiety has progressively gotten worse and worse, I feel like I'm totally unable to function in day to day life.
The reason I want to go the route of alcohol is 1. because I have easy access to it and 2. my parents lock up my medication in this gigantic safe so I can't OD even if I wanted to.
I feel really stuck in my life lately. I'm still deciding if I want to go fully through with it, I don't even know why I'm not actively attempting as I type this. My mother says that the hesitation I feel before attempting is God speaking to me, and at this point I don't know what to believe. I wanna say I'm ready to ctb, but I have so many things I want to do before I go. I know my followers on my social media will wonder where I went, but I think they'll understand at some point. I'll miss them most of all, my fans are very loyal to me and they're the only reason I continue writing my novels to this day.
I go back and forth with the final decision to ctb, I've gotten so close to death so many times that it feels like a distant friend. But I think that if I'm going to do it, I might as well go the route of what I'm known for. Maybe I can take some of my anxiety benzos in the process, ativan is suppose to have dangerous affects while drinking, especially a lot at a time.
I don't know if it's the right time or not. My parents will be totally confused why I suddenly decided to go through with it after so long of supposedly, "doing so well mentally." I dunno, I'll figure it out soon. I pray my days get better and I'll just look back on this post and think, "wow how could I say ANY of that?" But I always seem to come back this site in hopes of writing a note for my friends/family.
I dunno if I will go through with it right this very second, but if I do then I'll copy paste this for some people to see so they know what happened.
Xanu, I love you a lot. I know things are tough for you, and this will only make things worse, but can you please uphold to the promise you made of taking in Poppi and Challa? They're good babies and I'm sure Challa will get along swimmingly with Scooter, they're both old babies and I can imagine Challa will like to have a sweet girl to be around instead of being stuck with stinky Poppi. I'm sure Poppi and Olive will get alone well too, Olive is a sweetheart but also hectic and Poppi will like to have a young playmate. Just promise me you'll take them in, and if my mother tells you that you can't, show her this message because her dog will maul them and if she tries to keep them I'll haunt her and make sure to knock over every cup of coffee she ever drinks in pure rage.
Jay if you see this, know that you meant a lot to me. Like seriously. I know that I'm annoying with my flirting, and you probably still resent me for how we broke up 4 months ago, but I really do love you a lot. I'm a bad person for how I treated you in the past, and I tried my best to get better, but I know that I failed pretty badly at treating you right. I thought maybe getting in contact with you again will rekindle our relationship, and I really enjoyed our small amount of time together. I'm really sorry for how this had to go, and I pray you're able to move past me. Take good care of Booger and Mitz, they're precious and even though Mitz is a little satan animal, and Boog is king, give them both love equally.
I'll die a drunk, but it'll be better without me here. Forget about me, it'll be easier on you.
I have a little over four bottles of 30% vodka. It'll be a disgusting death, lord knows I've gotten so severely drunk I've puked for two days then was hospitalized... But if it doesn't work, it'll just look like I drank too much. I'm kind of known in my family as the stupid drunk that starts drinking at 11 in the morning till 12 at night. I know that I will have to drink a lot, but I think I'm pretty set on how much I'll need.
I've been dealing with attempts since I was 10 years old, I've been in the psych ward around 20 times just in my adult years and I'm only 21. Bipolar and BPD are a bitch, but I got denied SSI again, and at this point I'm just sorta... Done. My anxiety has progressively gotten worse and worse, I feel like I'm totally unable to function in day to day life.
The reason I want to go the route of alcohol is 1. because I have easy access to it and 2. my parents lock up my medication in this gigantic safe so I can't OD even if I wanted to.
I feel really stuck in my life lately. I'm still deciding if I want to go fully through with it, I don't even know why I'm not actively attempting as I type this. My mother says that the hesitation I feel before attempting is God speaking to me, and at this point I don't know what to believe. I wanna say I'm ready to ctb, but I have so many things I want to do before I go. I know my followers on my social media will wonder where I went, but I think they'll understand at some point. I'll miss them most of all, my fans are very loyal to me and they're the only reason I continue writing my novels to this day.
I go back and forth with the final decision to ctb, I've gotten so close to death so many times that it feels like a distant friend. But I think that if I'm going to do it, I might as well go the route of what I'm known for. Maybe I can take some of my anxiety benzos in the process, ativan is suppose to have dangerous affects while drinking, especially a lot at a time.
I don't know if it's the right time or not. My parents will be totally confused why I suddenly decided to go through with it after so long of supposedly, "doing so well mentally." I dunno, I'll figure it out soon. I pray my days get better and I'll just look back on this post and think, "wow how could I say ANY of that?" But I always seem to come back this site in hopes of writing a note for my friends/family.
I dunno if I will go through with it right this very second, but if I do then I'll copy paste this for some people to see so they know what happened.
Xanu, I love you a lot. I know things are tough for you, and this will only make things worse, but can you please uphold to the promise you made of taking in Poppi and Challa? They're good babies and I'm sure Challa will get along swimmingly with Scooter, they're both old babies and I can imagine Challa will like to have a sweet girl to be around instead of being stuck with stinky Poppi. I'm sure Poppi and Olive will get alone well too, Olive is a sweetheart but also hectic and Poppi will like to have a young playmate. Just promise me you'll take them in, and if my mother tells you that you can't, show her this message because her dog will maul them and if she tries to keep them I'll haunt her and make sure to knock over every cup of coffee she ever drinks in pure rage.
Jay if you see this, know that you meant a lot to me. Like seriously. I know that I'm annoying with my flirting, and you probably still resent me for how we broke up 4 months ago, but I really do love you a lot. I'm a bad person for how I treated you in the past, and I tried my best to get better, but I know that I failed pretty badly at treating you right. I thought maybe getting in contact with you again will rekindle our relationship, and I really enjoyed our small amount of time together. I'm really sorry for how this had to go, and I pray you're able to move past me. Take good care of Booger and Mitz, they're precious and even though Mitz is a little satan animal, and Boog is king, give them both love equally.
I'll die a drunk, but it'll be better without me here. Forget about me, it'll be easier on you.
