Conflicted emotions about suicide

[Greyhawk]

I wanna die so fucking bad right now. I hate my life, I hate how lazy I am and how nothing good is ever gonna happen to me. But I also have good friends and family that don't deserve to suffer due to my suicide. I do believe however that I have the moral right to end my life but I just can't do it due to fearing the pain that it would cause to my close ones. I also fear experiencing awful pain or my suicide attempt failing and ending up as a vegetable which is why I haven't done it. I enjoy some things in life while hating it so much at the same time. How are you dealing with these, are you trying to get over these fears for CTB? I just wish I was never born.

 

[mysticatedwine]

i feel these things a lot too. sadly i haven't found anything else than try to distract myself from the thought of how my friends and family would feel. i try not to think about it, and i also try to convince myself that they will be fine. they won't be though, deep inside i know it.

as for the fear of becoming a vegetable, well... i feel it too, most of us are afraid of this i think. for this reason failure is not an option, i need all odds on my side when i will actually be commiting suicide. instead of preventing me to commit suicide, it drives me to make a well thought plan and execute it flawlessly

 

[NutOrat]

Same here. I feel the guilt constantly, as I'm constantly thinking of death, but also of its consequences for my loving family. I hate that I'm trapped like that, I can't do it but I can't just live normally and move on. Any way feels impossible, so I'm stuck in a "maintenance mode" for years now, just existing for some reason.

I just wish I was never born.

More than anything.

 

[rayyy]

I'm stuck in a "maintenance mode" for years now, just existing for some reason.

This is exactly how i feel, i don't like how we don't have the option to just disappear anytime we want, my death can have some effects on people close to me but i don't feel terrible about it that much, they will sooner or later die aswell and my death will just be something that happened, nothing more.

 

[eternalpace]

The decision to suicide or not suicide is a balancing act, like a lot of other decisions. It sounds like you have some good support and companionship... while at the same time being dissatisfied with life to the point of being in distress. If those around you can help you get through and maybe give some advice on life decisions that could move you forward, then the pendulum swings away from suicide. If, on the other hand, the distress that you're in is getting in the way of your relationships and you genuinely feel hopeless, then the pendulum swings toward suicide.

Although I'm leaning toward suicide myself, I can still be objective... If I was in your shoes, with some support system, I'd give yourself the opportunity to use the support that you have and maybe push through what's unsettling you.

 

[Greyhawk]

The decision to suicide or not suicide is a balancing act, like a lot of other decisions. It sounds like you have some good support and companionship... while at the same time being dissatisfied with life to the point of being in distress. If those around you can help you get through and maybe give some advice on life decisions that could move you forward, then the pendulum swings away from suicide. If, on the other hand, the distress that you're in is getting in the way of your relationships and you genuinely feel hopeless, then the pendulum swings toward suicide.

Although I'm leaning toward suicide myself, I can still be objective... If I was in your shoes, with some support system, I'd give yourself the opportunity to use the support that you have and maybe push through what's unsettling you.

Good way of looking at it. One of the problems is that none of my friends or family really know I'm suicidal. I've hinted towards it a few times and discussed about suicide but quickly realized that they completely lack the understanding of what it's like and therefore can't support me. I can't blame them tho, people who haven't been suicidal can never really understand it.