Chat doesn't work for me yet, I need to get things out of my chest today.
So, I think I made a lot of progresses in the last 2 years. I didn't have to deal with shadow people, delusions and other crappy things.
But wow, my hands are dry and filling up with cuts from how much I'm washing my hands.
My hair are starting to fall because I wash them too much. But I can't help it. I feel everything dirty, again. I think horrible things and then I feel dirty and I need to wash myself off constantly. But especially at night I wake up screaming or hitting things or drenched in sweat and I don't know. Is this coming from PTSD? I constantly being assaulted in my dreams. I can feel those hands getting all over me. Yesterday I got strangled, fell back asleep, and then I woke up with trump winning. Now I believe those hands are haunting me out of my dreams.
It feels like a punishment for all of these thoughts that pass through my head all day.
I wonder if deep down I'm a bad person and this is how I'm paying karma??
I don't know really what I'm doing, I feel like I've been dead for a decade and now my body is rotting. I keep swinging from fighting mode to let me sleep forever mode. After my last attempt I fear death now.
It hurts. Dying hurts. And nothing can make you feel better, then it's nothing. Not black, not white, nothing. Nothing felt as nice as waking up, now I try to stay away from death.
But somehow I hear the call. I wonder if the end will approach soon, If I'll get too sick too late or if I'll chose to leave at some point.
I can't lose more loved ones, so if that happens I think I'll lose it and say fuck It I'm done. But for now I'm just like here standing...not knowing what to do? Like, ok cool I'm trying and fighting blablabla but I feel my body leaving me a lot more every day so ....what is this? What am I supposed to do? And if my body is not sick and I'm not slowly dying the what the fuck Is this and why I can't even think or talk. Burnout? Depressed? Wtf? If I survive these last years then I will 100% sure I was meant for something because I don't even know how I am still alive now. Ahah
So, I think I made a lot of progresses in the last 2 years. I didn't have to deal with shadow people, delusions and other crappy things.
But wow, my hands are dry and filling up with cuts from how much I'm washing my hands.
My hair are starting to fall because I wash them too much. But I can't help it. I feel everything dirty, again. I think horrible things and then I feel dirty and I need to wash myself off constantly. But especially at night I wake up screaming or hitting things or drenched in sweat and I don't know. Is this coming from PTSD? I constantly being assaulted in my dreams. I can feel those hands getting all over me. Yesterday I got strangled, fell back asleep, and then I woke up with trump winning. Now I believe those hands are haunting me out of my dreams.
It feels like a punishment for all of these thoughts that pass through my head all day.
I wonder if deep down I'm a bad person and this is how I'm paying karma??
I don't know really what I'm doing, I feel like I've been dead for a decade and now my body is rotting. I keep swinging from fighting mode to let me sleep forever mode. After my last attempt I fear death now.
It hurts. Dying hurts. And nothing can make you feel better, then it's nothing. Not black, not white, nothing. Nothing felt as nice as waking up, now I try to stay away from death.
But somehow I hear the call. I wonder if the end will approach soon, If I'll get too sick too late or if I'll chose to leave at some point.
I can't lose more loved ones, so if that happens I think I'll lose it and say fuck It I'm done. But for now I'm just like here standing...not knowing what to do? Like, ok cool I'm trying and fighting blablabla but I feel my body leaving me a lot more every day so ....what is this? What am I supposed to do? And if my body is not sick and I'm not slowly dying the what the fuck Is this and why I can't even think or talk. Burnout? Depressed? Wtf? If I survive these last years then I will 100% sure I was meant for something because I don't even know how I am still alive now. Ahah
