Comforting to know it’s always an alternative

[ThatStateOfMind]

It's comforting for me to know that if life doesn't work out for me, I always have CTB as an alternative, a backup in my mind.

Currently my plan is to go through my degree, see how life works out after that. Im going for computer science and hoping to be a SWE after college, I know the market is bad right now, so I might not even enter the job market before I CTB. I want to try hard to make my life better since I'm still young and I feel like things might turn around.

If it doesn't work out, I know I can always ctb. This may sound morbid but that thought is honestly what pushes me through when positive thinking is nigh-impossible.

 

[LaughingGoat]

Reminds me of the quote by Cioran "We dread the future only when we are not sure we can kill ourselves when we want to."

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Cue the quote about a prison being a home when you have the key.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

OP, sounds like a good plan to me. You know, for some people life does work out. Most reasonable people believe this, unless you're a nihilist, of course. It just doesn't work out for everyone, unfortunately. You won't know unless you try. Maybe life will work out for you. I hope it does. Good luck.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel comforted by that, it must be such a relief having access to a reliable way to cease existing on your own terms. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I feel the same. I'm also trying to find a SWE job, although that's not what my degree is in, I'm self-taught. The market is brutal atm, but having a degree should put you at an advantage. Anyway, good luck in your endeavors :)

 

[SilverTiger]

Hello ThatStateofMind.

We are very alike, I am a Ph.D. Computer Science Student, I have wanted to die all the way through my BSc and MSc, I don't think I am going to make it to the end of my doctorate. I plan to die sometime next year when I make it to 27.

It feels good doesn't it? You are free to leave this mess of a life, should you wish. You are not trapped and you are in control? Don't like it? Leave! Its so freeing... I have to ask, knowing you have the key to leave will you try anything new?

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Reminds me of the quote by Cioran "We dread the future only when we are not sure we can kill ourselves when we want to."

Cue the quote about a prison being a home when you have the key.

Both of these quotes are excellent. I'm not very knowledgeable on quotes so I was a bit surprised to hear these, which fit very well to the situation I suppose.

I feel the same. I'm also trying to find a SWE job, although that's not what my degree is in, I'm self-taught. The market is brutal atm, but having a degree should put you at an advantage. Anyway, good luck in your endeavors :)

Yeah, it seems like the market is especially brutal for self-taught engineers. That huge hiring frenzy in 2020/2021 was probably the best time to be self taught. Having a degree nonetheless probably put you ahead to some amount though. I wish you the best of luck as well, and hope you can land a SWE job!

Hello ThatStateofMind.

We are very alike, I am a Ph.D. Computer Science Student, I have wanted to die all the way through my BSc and MSc, I don't think I am going to make it to the end of my doctorate. I plan to die sometime next year when I make it to 27.

It feels good doesn't it? You are free to leave this mess of a life, should you wish. You are not trapped and you are in control? Don't like it? Leave! Its so freeing... I have to ask, knowing you have the key to leave will you try anything new?

Absolutely feels good. I honestly couldn't imagine doing a Masters or PhD, college stresses me out enough doing my Bachelors, and my community college sucks lol. Luckily I transfer to a good university in 2025, which gives me hope that my last 2 years should be MUCH more enjoyable. Who knows, it might be so enjoyable that I could pursue a Masters, we'll have to wait and see.

I completely agree though, that it is freeing. As for your question, I feel like I'm trying new things all the time. Growing up in a very rural area, and primarily staying in this rural area, I've not had many experiences in life. I've literally been to just one state outside of my own unless you count driving through another state to get there (Tennessee to South Carolina, passing through a small portion of North Carolina). I've never been on a plane, there's a lot of food places that I've never tried, even fast food, which might sound stupid, but a lot is still new to me. I know some people who have plans of CTB try drugs or something before they go, I'll probably never go that far in trying new things, but I still think there's a lot of experiences for me to try, and having that key does make me want to try things before my time comes, so to speak.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I completely agree though, that it is freeing. As for your question, I feel like I'm trying new things all the time. Growing up in a very rural area, and primarily staying in this rural area, I've not had many experiences in life. I've literally been to just one state outside of my own unless you count driving through another state to get there (Tennessee to South Carolina, passing through a small portion of North Carolina). I've never been on a plane, there's a lot of food places that I've never tried, even fast food, which might sound stupid, but a lot is still new to me. I know some people who have plans of CTB try drugs or something before they go, I'll probably never go that far in trying new things, but I still think there's a lot of experiences for me to try, and having that key does make me want to try things before my time comes, so to speak.

You've made a lot of progress in the time I've been here. The OGs remember how badly you felt in the past as well as feeling stuck and unsure.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

You've made a lot of progress in the time I've been here. The OGs remember how badly you felt in the past as well as feeling stuck and unsure.

Oh absolutely. I was a mess in the past, it's kinda insane when I go back and read my past posts, I cringe a bit tbh lol, due to how upset and lost I seem in all of them. I seem to have a much better direction in life, which helps immensely.

I actually have a job interview for tomorrow for a summer job that I'm hoping goes well. I'm nervous, I can't lie, but still hopeful that it will go well and I can get a job for the summer.