protocorpse
I dont want to be around anymore
- Jul 8, 2022
- 39
Hi. Hope this isnt too annoying. I've been reading this site since january and have been off and on looking for ways out since second grade.
Im almost 29 now.
I just feel my brain shutting down and its so frustrating and demoralizing. I have crippling adhd and probably more. Its held me out of most jobs and stunted every relationship possible. I work really hard and try to do everything right but i am just not reliable.
For methods to CTB, I spent way too much money on 1000 yew seeds. Research is showing that probably wont work now, which is always how these things turn out.
In the US looking for SN but keep getting paranoid about changes in shipping or needing to explain myself.
My parents disowned me at 17. I did honors classes, was president of every club i could for afterschool prep but the moment i became depressed due to another friend dying they just decided i was trash. They were never even strict or cared about education. I used to tie threads around my fingers trying to remind myself not to bother talking to them about my day. I slept in walmart bathrooms and lived off expired bread while still trying to continue school.
I knew my situation was bleak, but was okay with student loans if they at least added up to something. I got accepted to a university that claimed not only had they seen students in my situation before, but they had an entire *department* for homeless student (questionable is putting it lightly, but I had no place to argue.) With the acceptance, I dropped out of highschool and got my GED same day. Worked the rest of the year to try to save for school.
Of course I was too much of a stressed basket case to thrive much. After a semester of being gaslit and pushed around by finacial aid, I learned the people who I talked to on the phone before school were a call center notorious for making up people and departments to hook people into signing. I and the majority of my peers ended up needing to drop out.
I tried CTB by sleeping pills. Took a nice nap in a sewer drain with no other results. Have been in homeless shelters and working in low end customer service jobs since. Finally got out of shelters into some semblance of Craigslist roommate hell since 2017. Ive tried *dozens* of therapists, every medication on the market. Working out. Mindfulness. Moving states and jobs to find anything that fits. Ive had basically zero friends and only a handful of doomed relationships. Maybe the first year of stability in my life came in 2019, only to be followed by 2020. Now its been years of being screamed at and recorded by customers fighting the simplest shit to keep their community healthy. Every week is another battle in our government trying to justify stripping human rights and offering civilian lives to the god of infinite capitalism. Rent is spiking astronomically and I've been through half a dozen career moves heralded by owners churning their employees lives through the meat grinder.
To top off everything, despite making every sacrifice possible to ensure I remained healthy in my role, I still caught Covid at the beginning of the year. Ever since my head just feels impossibly foggy. I dont know if its just mounting stress or long lasting side effects but it has made even the most basic tasks insurmountable.
Currently havent held a stable job most of this year. Just stupid and stationary. I dont talk to anyone any more. I dont feel anything. For a few years I thought I should at least remain living so that I can help others, but ive tried volunteering numerous times in a variety of ways and my work-life unreliable-ness is a lot more defeated when I'm fucking up in a role that actually matters. With the current rent crisis and looming years of water crisis, the best act I charity I have left is to just get out of the way.
Im almost 29 now.
I just feel my brain shutting down and its so frustrating and demoralizing. I have crippling adhd and probably more. Its held me out of most jobs and stunted every relationship possible. I work really hard and try to do everything right but i am just not reliable.
For methods to CTB, I spent way too much money on 1000 yew seeds. Research is showing that probably wont work now, which is always how these things turn out.
In the US looking for SN but keep getting paranoid about changes in shipping or needing to explain myself.
My parents disowned me at 17. I did honors classes, was president of every club i could for afterschool prep but the moment i became depressed due to another friend dying they just decided i was trash. They were never even strict or cared about education. I used to tie threads around my fingers trying to remind myself not to bother talking to them about my day. I slept in walmart bathrooms and lived off expired bread while still trying to continue school.
I knew my situation was bleak, but was okay with student loans if they at least added up to something. I got accepted to a university that claimed not only had they seen students in my situation before, but they had an entire *department* for homeless student (questionable is putting it lightly, but I had no place to argue.) With the acceptance, I dropped out of highschool and got my GED same day. Worked the rest of the year to try to save for school.
Of course I was too much of a stressed basket case to thrive much. After a semester of being gaslit and pushed around by finacial aid, I learned the people who I talked to on the phone before school were a call center notorious for making up people and departments to hook people into signing. I and the majority of my peers ended up needing to drop out.
I tried CTB by sleeping pills. Took a nice nap in a sewer drain with no other results. Have been in homeless shelters and working in low end customer service jobs since. Finally got out of shelters into some semblance of Craigslist roommate hell since 2017. Ive tried *dozens* of therapists, every medication on the market. Working out. Mindfulness. Moving states and jobs to find anything that fits. Ive had basically zero friends and only a handful of doomed relationships. Maybe the first year of stability in my life came in 2019, only to be followed by 2020. Now its been years of being screamed at and recorded by customers fighting the simplest shit to keep their community healthy. Every week is another battle in our government trying to justify stripping human rights and offering civilian lives to the god of infinite capitalism. Rent is spiking astronomically and I've been through half a dozen career moves heralded by owners churning their employees lives through the meat grinder.
To top off everything, despite making every sacrifice possible to ensure I remained healthy in my role, I still caught Covid at the beginning of the year. Ever since my head just feels impossibly foggy. I dont know if its just mounting stress or long lasting side effects but it has made even the most basic tasks insurmountable.
Currently havent held a stable job most of this year. Just stupid and stationary. I dont talk to anyone any more. I dont feel anything. For a few years I thought I should at least remain living so that I can help others, but ive tried volunteering numerous times in a variety of ways and my work-life unreliable-ness is a lot more defeated when I'm fucking up in a role that actually matters. With the current rent crisis and looming years of water crisis, the best act I charity I have left is to just get out of the way.
