Venting Chronic Loneliness

[mold]

My chronic loneliness has made me do things I regret. I know because of that I hurt a lot of people. I'm hurting due to my own past bad actions. When I ctb it won't happen to anyone ever again. I'm scared shitless of dying alone (but not dying, which is funny). My SN payment went through today and I'm horrified that I'm going to die alone. But I know it's what I want to do, I know I'll be gone if I'm successful for real this time, and it won't be seen as attention seeking or "guilt tripping". But I'm scared that my body won't be found for weeks, if not months. I'm scared I'm going to be alone when I die. I'm scared that no one will check up on me or look for me. I know people will mourn and grieve for me, but they won't look for me. That's what I'm most scared of, which is funny since it's not like I'll be alive to see it. I feel bad. I feel awful. But I know I'll feel more awful if I live. I won't hurt people ever again due to my chronic loneliness and PTSD and mental illness.

 

[nails]

this is very relatable, i understand what you're going through. i hope you find peace soon and i'm sorry you have to feel this way.

 

[PanaxMan]

My chronic loneliness has made me do things I regret. I know because of that I hurt a lot of people. I'm hurting due to my own past bad actions. When I ctb it won't happen to anyone ever again. I'm scared shitless of dying alone (but not dying, which is funny). My SN payment went through today and I'm horrified that I'm going to die alone. But I know it's what I want to do, I know I'll be gone if I'm successful for real this time, and it won't be seen as attention seeking or "guilt tripping". But I'm scared that my body won't be found for weeks, if not months. I'm scared I'm going to be alone when I die. I'm scared that no one will check up on me or look for me. I know people will mourn and grieve for me, but they won't look for me. That's what I'm most scared of, which is funny since it's not like I'll be alive to see it. I feel bad. I feel awful. But I know I'll feel more awful if I live. I won't hurt people ever again due to my chronic loneliness and PTSD and mental illness.

I'm not scared of dying alone or even being alone. I've always been alone.