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LastLoveLetter

LastLoveLetter

Persephone
Mar 28, 2021
657
I have encountered multiple members here who, like myself, have chronic conditions and illnesses. I have met members here with a variety of physical diseases (chronic, terminal or otherwise).

I thought it would be useful to have a specific thread for that and a space where people can talk about their conditions (and how they cause or contribute to suicidality), vent and support one another. This is also an opportunity to connect with other members who may be experiencing similar struggles.

For those who have not seen my posts: I'm Persephone. I have a permanent physical disability (that I cannot disclose publicly for privacy reasons), CFS/ME, suspected fibromyalgia, possible rheumatoid arthritis (I am still undergoing tests to determine this), chronic IBS, post impairment syndrome, Raynaud's phenomenon and chronic muscle, joint, nerve and back pain, ongoing genital pain and fibroids, recurring headaches, breathing problems, sleep apnoea, shortsightedness and other visual issues. I also struggle with multiple mental illnesses in addition to this. Navigating complex illnesses and disabilities is a constant uphill struggle, often alienating, ostracizing with no hope or reward in sight and very few people who understand.

If you are dealing with chronic illnesses, physical disabilities or any sort of physical condition (diagnosed or undiagnosed), please feel free to post how you are doing, vent your frustrations and share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

Staff will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.
 
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MG_39

MG_39

Physically ill suffering couch potato
Jul 5, 2019
203
Neurological illness here (I wont go into detail) but a constant suffering/torture I can't cope with.
 
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TheLoneWolf

TheLoneWolf

Member
Mar 2, 2021
24
I have both physical (autoimmune) and mental chronic illnesses.

The last 10 years has been a lot of pain and struggling. I'm 32 now and it's very hard to accept that these illnesses will follow me the rest of my life. Treatment and exercising helps but it's hard to live a normal life.

Having the option to ctb gives me some kind of relief. I don't think it would be hard for me to actually do it but I don't want to pass suffering on to my family and make them feel guilty. So I try to live and get the most out of life despite the circumstances.

I think what is important to remember is that we probably just live once and then it's over. Life can be painful and struggling but when it's over we probably return to nonexistence with no pain or suffering. One day it will be over no matter if we ctb or not.
 
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S

Stopthepain

Member
Jul 11, 2021
98
,

I am severly sick for 3 years. Every seocond is torture and hell.. is suffrer from Depression and strange psychosomatic Sensations in my body since i was 13. 3 years ago and had a breakdown due to a bad reactions to an antidepressant and severe stress.. my brain is just Fried,
I suffer from:
Chronich Dissociation
Sever Depression Transmitter Swings
Complete Emotional Numbness
Agony pain all over my whole body
Severe pressure in my body
Feeling like i choke every sec, hardcore problems breathing
Brain deadness, everything is a blurr.. i cant think like a normal Person .. i feel like a zombie
My body is so stiff i cant move proberbly, it is like a qm paralyzed physical mentally and emotionally

Every breath hurts, it is hard to talk. It feels impossible to exist.
I gave 3 years all i had but i dont recover. And I have enough.
 
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Y

YourNeighbor

Arcanist
Jul 22, 2021
423
There may just need to be a forum somewhere for those who are seeking to die with dignity instead of succumbing to their disease. Not sure if anyone is aware of such a place?
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
35,390
Dealing with illnesses/disorders can be one of the worst things about being alive. The body can become like a prison and there can be no escape from it. There is no limit as to how bad it can get so there should be euthanasia options. As for myself, I was born with neurological disorders and I have tinnitus and visual snow. I feel ill a lot of the time and after taking the medication which was wrongly prescribed my body has still not recovered from that. Life really can be a terrible thing.
 
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Superdeterminist

Superdeterminist

Enlightened
Apr 5, 2020
1,877
There may just need to be a forum somewhere for those who are seeking to die with dignity instead of succumbing to their disease. Not sure if anyone is aware of such a place?
This could be it! Lots of us here are in favour of voluntary euthanasia. I've seen threads about Dignitas before.
 
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T

tgfm

Member
Jul 10, 2021
28
Thank you for creating this thread, Persephone. As my issues worsened I have often felt far too visible to the point where I withdrew as much as I could from the world. But I never felt understood. Because no one can truly understand except for the people who do because it is their nightmarish reality as well.
 
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G

grasping_at_straws

Member
Aug 7, 2020
29
along with my bipolar 1 and major depression I got diagnosed with thyroid cancer recently.... sadly they say it's very fixable so no luck on that taking me out.

and now I just got put in the early stage of a lymphedema diagnosis which is not a death sentence, but it is a life sentence with chronic pain, swelling, skin problems, infection, and having to go to all kids of therapy and doctor's appointments.

I only have a fixed income on ssi and still live with my parents at home. I'm under watch from a ACT program after i tried cutting my wrists. I've tried two other times with my opioid prescriptions, but I failed. Now my mom manages my medication so that way out is gone. Funny thing is I have the money for possibly going to the dignitos route, but it's all in a savings account controlled by my mom.

I feel stuck, I just want a way out or to maybe just live in a damn hospital the rest of my life, but everyone keeps telling me "Don't give up! You're strong you can get over all this!".
My mom and I got into a huge fight today after learning my diagnosis, she pulled out you love to complain bs, and I just shut up for hours. Now I guess things are ok... She's so good at pushing everything under the rug.

I'm sure this is all disjointed what I'm saying but I'm just at a loss. I feel numb and want out. Stupid thing is when I cut my wrists I went down and showed them because I wasn't passing out fast enough.... a lot of blood everywhere and screaming. They called an ambulance and i got 13 staples in my right wrist and about the same on the left. No all I've got are scars and being watched. I honestly don't know when i'll get a good chance to go for it again....

If I knew SN would work I'd do it, but it's so publicized it almost sounds like a scam to me. Why I came to them with my bloody wrists I'll never know. I was manic on top of a depression and it just wasn't working fast enough and I didn't want to lose my hands over that attempt along with being monitored. Now they even took my good knife away I did it with. i also don't know if I could make another good deep cut in each wrist through this scarred tissue. I'd really like to drown or jump, but I have no place or way to do that. I think i have a drowning spot, but I don't know if i can get to it no having a car, and it is private property with ditch access. My friend used to live in the house. We swam in the deep pond alot. i know it'd be perfect to take a final dip. I just can't get there now though. Especially if it's rented out to someone else.
 
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Tomoko

Tomoko

Unpopular
Aug 12, 2021
123
Chronic pancreatitis. I've never had alcohol in my life, yet everyone always assumes I'm an alcoholic. I only drink water or sugar free drinks, everyone somehow thinks I'm diabetic. Doctors don't take me seriously. I eat baby food for all my meals because I can't handle real food. I decided to buy myself a cheeseburger and fries as a treat yesterday, barfed it all up while feeling a horrible stabbing pain from my pancreas attempting to digest itself. Every day is misery but nobody seems to care, always trying to get me to eat real food as if it won't (literally) kill me. I'm just so tired of the pain. It seriously hurts like hell and last night I thought I was going to die finally. But instead my body just puked up the undigested food to ease the pain.
 
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meetapple

meetapple

Mage
Jun 3, 2021
582
I am a suffering non conformist.
 
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Phosphophyllite

Phosphophyllite

3.5
Aug 8, 2021
39
I'm not comfortable sharing details yet, but I also suffer from health problems alongside depression, PTSD, and some mental conditions that I suspect but are undiagnosed. Like everyone else said here, living with them is hell.

Thank you for this thread.
 
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C

Cocoon

Member
Sep 27, 2020
6
I haven't posted in a long time, but have really suffered from what I believe to be sciatica. For weeks at a time I am bedridden, barely able to move and in so much pain. I have to have help wiping my own ass and it is shameful and miserable. I haven't been able to get disability and doctors won't take it seriously. I feel so lost and broken in body and mind. I just want help, and no one will help me. It feels like my body is a prison and no matter what I do, I can't escape.

Not to mention PTSD, psychosis, autism, and general anxiety and depression.
 
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A

AH23

Everythingisnothinh
Jun 10, 2018
28
me me me me. i first joined this forum in 2017 when my chronic illnesses first got really bad and things have just gotten worse. I have nobody to talk to who understands, actually nobody at all. family is toxic/bordeline abusive at times and I am financially dependent on them due to my health, yet I only live because i would somehow still feel guilty ctb'ing and leaving them "parents of suic8de". friends are a joke. and id be ok being alone and trapped if it wasn't constant chronic pain and degenerative suffering. I've come to terms with it. Im over it- im not going to leave a note or anything. I wont have anything meaningful to say to anyone. It is a reprieve to see this thread and read with people who understand. I even have a hard time relating to other mentally ill folk on here who talk about potentially changing their mind or seeing the recovery thread. there's no recovery for me- this is the inevitable choice. I am only 24. if anyone wants to talk please pm me, I could use it. the worst part is just being alone in these decisions and thoughts.
Im too paranoid to share details, I dont want to be identified in the future as this is an alias and my combination of illnesses is very specific. I know thats a slim chance but in the event of ctb and family or police searches laptop etc for answers.. dont want to make anything too obvious.
 
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C

Cleopatra123

Arcanist
Jun 8, 2019
488
I have both physical (autoimmune) and mental chronic illnesses.

The last 10 years has been a lot of pain and struggling. I'm 32 now and it's very hard to accept that these illnesses will follow me the rest of my life. Treatment and exercising helps but it's hard to live a normal life.

Having the option to ctb gives me some kind of relief. I don't think it would be hard for me to actually do it but I don't want to pass suffering on to my family and make them feel guilty. So I try to live and get the most out of life despite the circumstances.

I think what is important to remember is that we probably just live once and then it's over. Life can be painful and struggling but when it's over we probably return to nonexistence with no pain or suffering. One day it will be over no matter if we ctb or not.
The only point I raise here Wolf, is that I think we should consider the consequences of degeneration which becomes a living death. Death shoould be with dignity, I believe.
,

I am severly sick for 3 years. Every seocond is torture and hell.. is suffrer from Depression and strange psychosomatic Sensations in my body since i was 13. 3 years ago and had a breakdown due to a bad reactions to an antidepressant and severe stress.. my brain is just Fried,
I suffer from:
Chronich Dissociation
Sever Depression Transmitter Swings
Complete Emotional Numbness
Agony pain all over my whole body
Severe pressure in my body
Feeling like i choke every sec, hardcore problems breathing
Brain deadness, everything is a blurr.. i cant think like a normal Person .. i feel like a zombie
My body is so stiff i cant move proberbly, it is like a qm paralyzed physical mentally and emotionally

Every breath hurts, it is hard to talk. It feels impossible to exist.
I gave 3 years all i had but i dont recover. And I have enough.
So sorry. All these things seem to me should have been diagnosed as something specific. Have you ever had a real diagnosis? This could be a combination of immune dysfunction, infection causing neurological inflammation. All these things have a cause. Good luck. Fell better.
I haven't posted in a long time, but have really suffered from what I believe to be sciatica. For weeks at a time I am bedridden, barely able to move and in so much pain. I have to have help wiping my own ass and it is shameful and miserable. I haven't been able to get disability and doctors won't take it seriously. I feel so lost and broken in body and mind. I just want help, and no one will help me. It feels like my body is a prison and no matter what I do, I can't escape.

Not to mention PTSD, psychosis, autism, and general anxiety and depression.

sciatica can be so painful, but there should be some ameliorating treatment for that. Doctors for the most part have their hearts and brains in their pockets.
 
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I

IsThisReal

Member
Jul 3, 2021
24
I suffer from extremely fluctuating tinnitus (within the same minute) since over 8 months (main reason I'm here), along with feeling like a zombie and that my brain is slowed down and digestive issues since 8 years. Plus jaw and vision problems since 2 years. Many foods cause me a feeling in my head as if someone was using a steel sponge to scratch my brain from the inside.
On top all of that I have to keep a 40 houre/week job which requires complex thinking in order to be able to stay in the country where I am, otherwise I have to go back to my war-torn country and maybe suffer even more. Main reason why I did not ctb yet is my parents, but I guess there will be a point in time that I might just do it regardless...
 
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T

tgfm

Member
Jul 10, 2021
28
Outside someone walked by with a dog and it made me think that if an animal were suffering the way people here are suffering, it would be considered cruel and inhumane not to put it down to end its suffering. But for some reason, there is not just an expectation, but a demand that people who are suffering be forced to continue to indefinitely. I don't understand this societal cognitive dissonance when it comes to suffering and death.
 
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NearlyIrrelevantCake

NearlyIrrelevantCake

The Cake Is A Lie
Aug 12, 2021
1,235
Starting when I was 11/12yo, I broke both feet and ankles repeatedly. The first two breaks didn't heal properly. Now my ankles hyperextend so easily that if I fall, I end up with another break or sprain. The repeated injuries have left me with nerve damage and pain in my ankles and hips. I had to start using a cane when I was ~20yo and I ~upgraded~ to forearm crutches a few years later. I had to stop working at 20yo due to the pain and I've been on disability since I was 27yo.

I can't walk more than about a block, even on good days. On bad days, I can barely leave my bed. I take Gapabentin for the pain and for the most part, it works.

I've suffered from migraines since I was a teenager. Summer is the worst for them, heat triggers them much more often. I rely on OTC meds to treat them--Advil, Tylenol, codeine [which is OTC in small doses where I live].

I've had asthma since I can remember. I wake up every day and cough up a bunch of shit from my lungs. On bad days, I cough and choke until I vomit.

On the mental side of things, I have PTSD, panic attacks, OCD, and bipolar II with mixed episodes and ultra-rapid cycling.
 
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tryingtoescape

tryingtoescape

Experienced
Dec 30, 2019
213
I have tinnitus and chronic pain.
 
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Snake of Eden

Snake of Eden

“Ye shall be as gods..🍎 🐍”
Jun 22, 2021
2,475
I have depression, anxiety, autoimmune skin condition called scarring alopecia, strongly suspected asperger's and I am 36
 
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D

Deleted member 8975

Guest
My name is Atari and I am a 31 year old male. I have had CPTSD all of my life (diagnosed a few years ago), MDD, GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), tremors, shaking, auto immune disorder (lichen planus), and chronic prostatitis. The latter two are well under control and not flaring up at all as of late.

The CPTSD is the worst of it all and there is no coping method other than doing art work and music while I'm awake, preferably sleeping all day and night.

Not on any medications as they were all deemed unnecessary. They did not cure the…surprise surprise, root causes which are rooted in reality, trauma, and memories. Only thing left on the table medically speaking was electroshock therapy which I've refused.
 
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enau

enau

Student
Apr 15, 2021
142
autism, ptds , generalizerd anxiety , depression (or bipolar, idk, im depressiv only i think , i had diagnostic of it for 3X in my life , but i have uaem state of euphoria when im desesperate, moood swing, .. i think everything in my mind is so broken ).I have a disease that i dont want to talk about, physical, im ashamed of it, because it related to parental neglect /no caring.that i have to exist with the scar of them upon me all my life.. event if the disease in itself, dont cause me much pain( it somehow inesthetic, but.. its hidden)i hated myself a lot about that.AND health care for it is expensive(wow i had a message "the server is down i was scared )
 
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NearlyIrrelevantCake

NearlyIrrelevantCake

The Cake Is A Lie
Aug 12, 2021
1,235
On a good/normal day, I take a dozen pills for my physical/mental issues. On a bad day, it's 20 or more.
 
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Null Hypothesis

Null Hypothesis

What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets.
Dec 25, 2020
1,082
Lupus, the merry band of misery. Every now and then it goes on a world tour called a 'flare-up'. On a whim. Arthritis, gastrointestinal problems, chest pains, headaches, malaise and fatigue, just to name a few. On a particularly bad day it's a trip to the hospital (fluid build-up in my legs). Living with lupus is like playing Russian-roulette with an unpredictable illness—one moment you're on top of the world ready to take on everything, another you're racked with pain and longing for sweet, sweet release.
 
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D

Deleted member 8975

Guest
Lupus, the merry band of misery. Every now and then it goes on a world tour called a 'flare-up'. On a whim. Arthritis, gastrointestinal problems, chest pains, headaches, malaise and fatigue, just to name a few. On a particularly bad day it's a trip to the hospital (fluid build-up in my legs). Living with lupus is like playing Russian-roulette with an unpredictable illness—one moment you're on top of the world ready to take on everything, another you're racked with pain and longing for sweet, sweet release.
I'm truly sorry…lupus is awful.
 
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Null Hypothesis

Null Hypothesis

What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets.
Dec 25, 2020
1,082
I'm truly sorry…lupus is awful.
The only redeeming feature is that lupus tends to cycle in flares and remissions. You're able to go about your day most of the time, but when it happens, it happens. Some people are able to achieve a state of prolonged remission (not me). You can find helpful advice and support from forums like r/lupus, from diet and exercise to possible triggers to avoid (sunlight seems to be the worst offender), but it's important to take everything with a grain of salt, as everyone's body is different. Not to mention the epidemic of false health claims on social media.

Unlike rheumatoid arthritis, for the majority of patients lupus arthritis also does not deform the joints, and goes away on its own after a while, so for me it's more of a minor inconvenience.
 
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C

Chockles

Experienced
Sep 17, 2021
270
I have adhd, mild autism, hypotonia, Hypermobile syndrome, mca, mold toxicity. I am living in sheer hell. Eustachian tubes completely blocked off by fungus, crunching jaw, choking all the time on nerves in throat, now electrical jolts down body, prickly nettle sensations in below skin, burning ice pick pain, all 24/7 & all causing severe stomach pains, inability to breathe properly or sleep. All muscles & bones feel like lead. Palpitations. There's nothing in my body that works. Been bed ridden 9 solid months in agony. No control over body temperature
Prior to that 8 years of muscle & joint pain but had some quality of life.
Now in despair can't cope with this at all. No meds help anymore. I just want to die but too many failed attempts. In the UK &:now considering getting N ordered &:hopefully safely through customs. It's my last hope.
 
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C

Cleopatra123

Arcanist
Jun 8, 2019
488
I have adhd, mild autism, hypotonia, Hypermobile syndrome, mca, mold toxicity. I am living in sheer hell. Eustachian tubes completely blocked off by fungus, crunching jaw, choking all the time on nerves in throat, now electrical jolts down body, prickly nettle sensations in below skin, burning ice pick pain, all 24/7 & all causing severe stomach pains, inability to breathe properly or sleep. All muscles & bones feel like lead. Palpitations. There's nothing in my body that works. Been bed ridden 9 solid months in agony. No control over body temperature
Prior to that 8 years of muscle & joint pain but had some quality of life.
Now in despair can't cope with this at all. No meds help anymore. I just want to die but too many failed attempts. In the UK &:now considering getting N ordered &:hopefully safely through customs. It's my last hope.
Sounds awful, I'm sorry. Is there some cohesive syndrome that causes all of these symptoms. I've been sick, almost bedridden for years, but tremors began and its impossible to function. Miserable and lonely. I hope you find peace with dignity. Sounds like you're not getting the attention a human deserves. Its pathetic the medical community leaves people to suffer like this. Good luck getting N. and success
 
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littlelungs

littlelungs

Wizard
Oct 21, 2018
632
MECFS, POTS, small fibre neuropathy, fibromyalgia, scoliosis, lumbar spondylosis, suspected L5 lesion (just a messed up back in general), gastroparesis (again, just a messed up digestive tract in general), degenerative disc disease, GAD, MDD, PTSD, BPD (been diagnosed with that one more than 5 times, 9/9 criteria fulfilled :'(), chronic dysthymia, disordered eating that has manifested itself in a number of ways. I know I'm forgetting a few others but the brain fog is going strong at the moment. I've tried everything I possibly could, but no matter what I do, it's always in vain. At this point, everything I do is self-directed palliative care – temporary solutions to permanent problems.

It breaks my heart that all of you here are suffering. There are no words to describe now much I feel for you all. Life can be so brutal.

Also, don't you just love those ding-dongs who come prancing into your personal space and tell you that all you need to do is meditate, do yoga, go for a walk and/or try their essential oils and then all of your problems will magically be cured? Or those people who tell you to not let your illness(es) define your life, all the while their good health defines theirs? :ahhha:
 
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C

Cleopatra123

Arcanist
Jun 8, 2019
488
MECFS, POTS, small fibre neuropathy, fibromyalgia, scoliosis, lumbar spondylosis, suspected L5 lesion (just a messed up back in general), gastroparesis (again, just a messed up digestive tract in general), degenerative disc disease, GAD, MDD, PTSD, BPD (been diagnosed with that one more than 5 times, 9/9 criteria fulfilled :'(), chronic dysthymia, disordered eating that has manifested itself in a number of ways. I know I'm forgetting a few others but the brain fog is going strong at the moment. I've tried everything I possibly could, but no matter what I do, it's always in vain. At this point, everything I do is self-directed palliative care – temporary solutions to permanent problems.

It breaks my heart that all of you here are suffering. There are no words to describe now much I feel for you all. Life can be so brutal.

Also, don't you just love those ding-dongs who come prancing into your personal space and tell you that all you need to do is meditate, do yoga, go for a walk and/or try their essential oils and then all of your problems will magically be cured? Or those people who tell you to not let your illness(es) define your life, all the while their good health defines theirs? :ahhha:
Nobody should be made to persist in this condition, its inhumane. All the time on TV they talk about "life", but they have no perceptions of people alive but have nothing, except suffering. Maybe there could be a partner megathread for people in such physical pain, that they live in total torture, with no possibility of a decent moment.
 
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