Discussion Choosing a method

[tired_fishnoodle]

I am thinking of different plans right now, and I'm very stuck in choosing a method. I wanted to ctb with a firearm, but I do not have access woth ine and I am having trouble thinking about how I would get without people getting suspicious. Everyone in my life is under the impression I am afraid of guns because I have a friend who goes shooting and was in the military, and telling him that was my only explanation for my refusal to go to a range with him. Really I was just at such a low point at thay time that I genuinely couldn't trust myself to just do it as soon as I got my hands on one.

Everyone would find it suspicious if I started looking into that stuff or suddenly trying to "get over the fear" because my husband told that friend about my suicide attempts before I got pcped.

I am hardly ever alone unless its the maybe 1 or 2 hours between when I get home and when my husband gets home. It's times like this when I genuinely regret how much I did to prevent myself from doing this when I knew things were bad. I have forced so many things in my life that I need to be around for or that would make me feel bad for leaving juzt so I wouldn't do this. And now I feel like I've ruined my chance at finally getting some rest. I am so incredibly tired and I do not have the energy to keep going. I'm doing worse at my job, and my I'm too tired to even talk to my husband anymore. I've tried being open with him but he just cannot understand. He always jsut says "We'll get through it" and stuff like that but I just can't anymore.

I feel like such a coward about it too, because I am so terrified of the pain. I just want to die, and I wish there were less violent and painful methods that I could plan without anyone getting suspicious.

 

[unluckysadness]

You are not a coward. You just want peace like everybody on this forum.
I'm so tired of suffering too.
Can you put yourself on sick leave ? You should have a break if you're so tired.
Take care

 

[tired_fishnoodle]

You are not a coward. You just want peace like everybody on this forum.
I'm so tired of suffering too.
Can you put yourself on sick leave ? You should have a break if you're so tired.
Take care

I have sick leave, but I am swamped with responsibilities, and late last year there was already a situation where my boss forced me to take 2 weeks off because of stress and in that same 2 weeks I had off, I almost ended up homeless. Me and my boss already don't really get along. I have a lot of memory problems because of trauma and it causes issues. Just yesterday, I was afraid to mess something up because I work a job where you cant mess stuff like that up, and I just wanted conformation on something and got told "I can't keep spoonfeeding you." Infront of a coworker. Which is humiliating as well as just making my fear of failure so much worse. And I know he's not responsible for my feelings but it's just making things worse for me at work.

I've tried overdosing multiple times on prescription drugs before and honestly should have died, but unfortunately, apparently my body is very good at rejecting things that shouldn't be there, so I always end up throwing up.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

You're not a coward.
It's not easy at all. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, I just want to be gone as well, all I want is to be free from this torturous existence, I always suffer so much from how I cannot just have the option to cease existing painlessly, I hope you find peace.

 

[tired_fishnoodle]

I understand, I just want to be gone as well, all I want is to be free from this torturous existence, I always suffer so much from how I cannot just have the option to cease existing painlessly, I hope you find peace.

Theres only so much pain people can take, and theres only so much help that can be given that doesnt always work.

I hope you find peace, too.