Chemicals intercepted

[Bigsmoke777]

I got the stuff to do it, and my folks poured it out while I was at my boyfriends house. I had a couple bottles of lime sulfur dip and I got ahold of some muriatic acid. I was going to mix them in a car. How bad would a chemical suicide really be? If anyone would like to join me or help please DM. I've pretty much been dead for a while now, and my life before that I can only cringe at. I've always shit on my own image then smeared the shit around. That's my life. That's me existing. Embarrassing myself and not even knowing it. Destroying myself and everyone around me. I've never been reasonable, or smart, but I thought I was smarter and better than everyone else. I think I may be a narcissist on top of a lot of other bull. I can only be ashamed and frustrated by how the reward system in my brain has always worked, works, how my thoughts and feelings have always worked and work. I suck at explaining anything, which is constantly frustrating as well. Growing up I would get "joy" imagining doing things, then when I'd go out the house and "live" with friends I would be in pain and want to die, while also rubbing everyone the wrong way, saying and doing messed up things. I deserve to not be liked by anyone. I've never been likeable. I cant be. I'm horrible, and I didnt even feel bad about it before, just entitled and special. I didnt see myself for who i really was until i went off the deepend in psychosis or something for almost a year, then kind of just realized "i have to ctb". After that it's like theres constant revelations of how I've always just been shit. I've never been in control of myself. I'm not smart enough, or emotionally strong enough. I never was. I genuinely couldnt have been gotten through to. I couldnt listen or be held accountable and its sick. I'd feel so strongly about horrible stuff, criticizing others for so so long, never looking at myself. I've been negative and judgemental my entire life. I hate it. I dont want to be me. Theres a million things about me that are not ok. I have no personality or sense of self. I dont know if its bpd or narcissism on top of a bunch of other shit. I dont know anything. I never did. I thought I did. I thought I was special, when I was a parasite. I've never treated anyone with love really. Where is it? Wheres the love? Hidden under the lack of self awareness or empathy or ability to forgive or criticisms or backhanded remarks? Feeling like they arent good enough? Not being tolerated but micromanaged while having to constantly tolerate stupid crap from me? I see myself and I see any version of myself and theres no getting through to that person. Theres no enjoying a normal trip somewhere. Theres no humility or rationality or common sense. Theres just a bunch of pain, and hurt people hurt people. I dont have a sob story. I was always my own sob story. I dont know why I've always been in unbearable pain. I do know I have never been good for anyone really, and I just cant be. I dont want to be alive, knowing I only contribute harm. It's honestly just holding people back from being around better. I'm worse than a waste of time because I'm so damaging. Theres no life I'd want to live, or be able to manage