5. Coming to terms with the underlying cause of my inceldom, which is a deep-seated attachment disorder/style. Seems to come about from the child realizing that no one gives a fuck about them, and then learns to LARP as self-sufficient. Have never been able to form friendships (basically just been able to play/collaborate without forming bonds, somehow), have never missed anyone. Just really textbook dismissive/avoidant, last person to raise hand in class, never engage socially, reject crushes (like wtf), etc.
So, even if I wasn't a loser man-child NEET, I would only be able to have casual sex/short-term flings (after I fixed my bent penis). Would rather have that than nothing, but I can't even have that, of course. Well, now I'm at least not judgemental about the whole "monogamy" thing, anymore. Was just repressing/projecting/coping in some weird way, like when people that are secretly gay starts hating gays. It is easier to cope with not having access to casual sex than it is to cope with not having access to "true love/life-long romance and trust, etc", though.
Feel like I have more control over the situation, but nothing has changed in terms of suicidality or maybe even pain-levels. My options are basically to either suffer a lot to be able to have an income (not even guaranteed, worst resume on the planet) and buy stuff (not sure what to buy, maybe games and alcohol, protein for gym, won't be able to move out anyway) or to keep NEETing. Then, in some amount of time (not sure yet, prob 1 or 2 years), I'll hopefully be able to die.
Sry for the long vent, heh.