Can’t stop thinking about my plan

[Humdinger2023]

I've been consumed with my suicide plan for three straight weeks, and it basically takes up all of my waking thoughts and interrupts my sleep. I've totally withdrawn from friends, haven't been leaving the house, and was even forced to go to the hospital at one point by my therapist and psychiatrist where I was not admitted but evaluated. (I did my best to stay out of the hospital during the evaluation process.) I can't live in this darkness and am trying to work up the courage to go through with my plan. I find myself reading all of the posts on this site, obsessively checking it when I am alone. Can anyone relate to the obsession with suicide? I wish I had the courage to go through with my plan, but I've been unable to get myself to the ledge. This isn't a very detailed or long post, I feel hesitant to fully divulge the depths of my depression and personal information despite the anonymity the site provides. Thank you to all who share on this site. It brings me some comfort.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I'm wishing to die pretty much every waking moment, as of course I prefer the sound of non existence to the thought of existing in this hellish world where there is unlimited potential to suffer. But of course actually going through with suicide isn't straightforward, I guess that if one has managed to get a plan together then they have the option to leave for when the time is right. I hate how difficult suicide is in this world and I really envy those who are already gone but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[GasMonkey]

three straight weeks

Those are rookie numbers.

 

[DarknessAndDespair]

I usually had that thought every morning and every night. Now since I am chronically ill the physical pain is making my mental pain much worse and the thought of ctb is literally every with me every second, for months. I am in the final stages of preparation and started reducing text /phone contact with friends to a 99%. The amount of logistics involved to exit is ridiculous, I do not understand how still in this day and age we are forced to leave in the darkness and in silence. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you can find some relief.

 

[man_in_red:)]

It is understandable, doctors don't help you therapist don't help either. don't get me started on the hospitals literally falling apart as I am typing this. CTB is painless compared to the nonsense we have to endure.

 

[girlsboysthems]

same here. been waiting for the perfect opportunity and I think I have a date in mind and that kinda helps the acute suicidal thoughts. So I just push them off to the side and dream about the day I'll be dead.

 

[Humdinger2023]

Those are rookie numbers.

I should be more specific and tried to designate the difference between my severe depression/anxiety and the suicide fixation. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 16 years ago and have had prior hospitalizations. This specific period just seems particularly distinctive as completely obsessed and near the end.

 

[http-410]

I can 100% relate to this obsession. You are definitely not alone.

When my suicidal ideation started, I didn't expect it to last until today or to deteriorate so much. In between, it has decreased a little, but by now it's unbearable. I can't stop thinking about it, I dream about it too. I constantly imagine myself dying, how it would feel, whether I would regret it or how relatives would react. I'm always going over my plan in my mind, thinking of alternatives, or associating things in my environment (like a bridge) with suicide even though they're not part of my plan. For me, it's no longer "just" ideation, it's a condition and has increasingly turned into an excruciating pain.

What did your therapist and psychiatrist say about it (if you told them so)?

 

[RichardFirst]

In a way, this is good. A CTB attempt is essentially the most important thing that we will ever do. The more we think about it, the more likely it is to succeed.