Can't find the Light

[Infantry11B]

For years now I've been trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be. It's really been hard adjusting back to normal life ever since the military. I just don't feel like I fit in anymore and the person that I have become scares me. I have been going to therapy multiple times a week for the last 2 years and I finally made the connection that the only way for me to be proud of myself or to be confident in who I am is for me to be that monster that scares me. I don't know How to shake this feeling or how to convince myself that I don't need to be that person. But everyday I wonder what it would be like to not be here anymore to not have to wake up and deal with the daily life struggles and problems and emotions that life has been throwing in my way. I fantasize about not being here or being put in a situation where I may potentially end up getting harmed or injured. That way I don't have to do it myself. I've came to terms that I'm too scared to kill myself. I'm too scared to shoot myself even though I've shot hundreds of thousands of rounds. That one shot scares me. And I guess that's what I have a hard time understanding is why do I feel like I want to leave so bad but yet I'm so scared to do it. Everyday I'm overwhelmed. I'm stuck in my thoughts. Feeling lonely. Feeling out of place. Feeling like I can't be loved because I've turned myself into someone incapable of being loved. I'm really in a rock and a hard spot and I just don't know what to do next. I am safe right now but just having a hard time staying afloat.

 

[A Dream of a Dream]

I'm sorry your suffering. What makes u believe u have to be that being that scares u? I can only imagine how difficult it can be adjusting to civilian life. Have u tried treatments like ketamine or safely used psychedelics yet?