3FailedAttemptss
trans girl (｀・ω・´)
- Jan 22, 2025
- 116
I've been in the psych ward for 10 days now, and I'm having a really, really hard time distancing myself from suicidal thoughts and impulses. I've already attempted partial hanging twice while in here, and I really think it's inevitable that I try again. I think this time it'll actually work because the reason I failed the first few times was that I tried to hang myself on the clothes hangers, I found out that they're pliable enough to bend once you put your weight on them. But this time I think I'd try using the door handles in my room - it's a metal door handle and the door's not just going to fall off. I don't know, I guess it's just a matter of time until my impulses hit.
It's been really overwhelming. I don't know what to do. I guess that makes sense that I kill myself? I think my life isn't worth living. These thoughts are so overwhelming - I can't just be in the psych ward and not feel this way. I'm getting ECT treatments as well, and I just wish... I think it's tragic that I'll kill myself. I kind of wish that I could be helped, but everything's pointing to the fact that I'm just fucked in the head and can't be helped.
Usually, I've been able to relax these urges by having SN in my possession or having it come in the mail. That would be like, "No, I'm going to kill myself for sure, but I'm going to do it right and choose this way that's at least good for me or that I'm OK with." I know I'm going to lose control to these impulses, so if I could just have that little bit of decision in choosing a method that I'm happier with, that would be nice. But now that I've learned about partial hanging, it's really, really scary. Like it's so scary being here in the psych ward and being in my room alone. It just feels inevitable that I kill myself. Part of me wishes I could just go back to being like, "Oh, I'm going to kill myself later with my SN," and I could be at peace with that. But here in the psych ward, it's every day - this door handle is tormenting me because it's what's going to kill me.
i've been crying a lot these past couple days thinking about it and knowing that I'm someone who will commit suicide and that's inevitable. That's just in the script for me - that's just going to happen. I don't feel like anything can change that. I feel like I'm doing everything right - I am in the psych ward, I am literally getting electroshock therapy as a last resort, and I'm cooperating and telling them everything. Sometimes I'm sitting at the dinner table paralyzed for like three hours until someone asks, "Do you need pills? Do you need something to calm down?" I say yes, and they ask what I'm thinking about, and it's suicide. That's all I think about all the fucking time.
I'm kind of freaking out, but I just wish I could catch a break and just be in this psych ward and not have to think about suicide all the time. I really can't distance myself from these thoughts and knowing that I'm going to lose control, and it's going to kill me whether I want it or not.
It's been really overwhelming. I don't know what to do. I guess that makes sense that I kill myself? I think my life isn't worth living. These thoughts are so overwhelming - I can't just be in the psych ward and not feel this way. I'm getting ECT treatments as well, and I just wish... I think it's tragic that I'll kill myself. I kind of wish that I could be helped, but everything's pointing to the fact that I'm just fucked in the head and can't be helped.
Usually, I've been able to relax these urges by having SN in my possession or having it come in the mail. That would be like, "No, I'm going to kill myself for sure, but I'm going to do it right and choose this way that's at least good for me or that I'm OK with." I know I'm going to lose control to these impulses, so if I could just have that little bit of decision in choosing a method that I'm happier with, that would be nice. But now that I've learned about partial hanging, it's really, really scary. Like it's so scary being here in the psych ward and being in my room alone. It just feels inevitable that I kill myself. Part of me wishes I could just go back to being like, "Oh, I'm going to kill myself later with my SN," and I could be at peace with that. But here in the psych ward, it's every day - this door handle is tormenting me because it's what's going to kill me.
i've been crying a lot these past couple days thinking about it and knowing that I'm someone who will commit suicide and that's inevitable. That's just in the script for me - that's just going to happen. I don't feel like anything can change that. I feel like I'm doing everything right - I am in the psych ward, I am literally getting electroshock therapy as a last resort, and I'm cooperating and telling them everything. Sometimes I'm sitting at the dinner table paralyzed for like three hours until someone asks, "Do you need pills? Do you need something to calm down?" I say yes, and they ask what I'm thinking about, and it's suicide. That's all I think about all the fucking time.
I'm kind of freaking out, but I just wish I could catch a break and just be in this psych ward and not have to think about suicide all the time. I really can't distance myself from these thoughts and knowing that I'm going to lose control, and it's going to kill me whether I want it or not.
