Life is really just falling apart. Today I tried getting support with my body dysmorphia from a community I was helping write a game for in their channel for venting. I ended up mocked by the lead developers and I abandoned my position on the team and left the only community I had.
You did not fail your community: your community failed you.
They
should have supported you, like morally coherent human beings. Instead they chose to kick you when you were down.
Game development is a very serious thing indeed; it's real work. It's not easy to work at your fullest when your team is mocking you, hating you, disrespecting you and depriving you of the respect that is due to every human being. You are better off working with more decent human beings. I know it feels fucking awful to lose a community like that; but there
are people in the world who are not haters like those morally incompetent devs are, people who will
love and
embrace you amongst your pain, rather than bullying you, and making you feel rejected and dejected, as you have been today. You were wronged. How could what they have done be right? You are not at fault here.
They are.
This all happened because I was forced to gain weight by dietitians after I had anorexia nervosa, I'm now clinically obese and I can't do anything to fix it. I thought the venting channel would help me air out my emotions.
It's not your fault for having your body messed with <3. It IS, however, the fault of bullies for refusing to practice a morally sensible level of understanding and respect, and putting horrific chastisement and insult upon injury to where there
should have been honest support and candid compassion. You deserve safe people who will not bully you. With good people, you are free to air out your emotions, and when you vent and things get heated, they will embrace you in that heat, rather than retreating to cold insult that depraves them and exposes them as morally incompetent. This was a test of trust and they abused it; you deserve better, more trustworthy people.
I've been pondering for a while, and now I've come to the conclusion that my only option left is to CTB. I doubt anyone will notice it anyway, and it means I don't have to deal with my body anymore.
I totally relate with this feeling of hating the body you are in. I think every human who has breathed in our day has experienced it to some degree. I promise you that just as your body has fallen into imbalance, that it too can fall back into balance again; and that there are countless perspectives and ideas, on how to construct meaning from experience and perception, that could very possibly reduce the level of pain and dysmorphia you are in. You are not alone. You do not have to be stuck with this current dissonance and body. Both can change. There are options; even if they feel distant right now <3.
It's easy to think that the suffering you may feel right now is the suffering of an outcast or a failure, the pain of someone who is totally detached from the common human condition; but the truth is, what you feel right now is part of a shared aspect of humanity that we all indulge in. The shock and confusion of having a body. I have looked into the mirror, and loved what I have seen; and on another day, hated what I had seen. Found it beautiful one day, and found it ugly another.
Our modern society is absolutely
neurotic when it comes to body standards. You basically have an entire culture almost constantly gaslighting you. At this point you're not even really to blame for feeling awful about your flesh, you have an entire culture trying to
sell and
commoditise that flesh; telling you how much it should be, what you ought to do, what you ought to do, to an almost dystopian degree. There is a highly vocal sect of society that mindlessly repeats these harmful ideas ad nauseam. They are not the only ones; but what they say travels unfortunate distances.
You even have the medical malpractice here. You've been caught in a bad game of tug of war. You feel as if your body has been taken from you, as if you're carrying this horrifying condition in your very flesh of being itself. But the body itself is a material thing, and like all material things, is subject to change. Just as the physical material realm of nature experiences changes over time as the temperature that influences the seasons changes over months and months, just as dew evaporates and snow melts, your body too, can change over time. Chronicity is indeed a vicious cycle, and at times a visceral cycle. But there are ways to break the cycle; even if they may struggle and hurt just as much as the condition itself. And though tugging that rope towards a way out of the pain may hurt in the same way that it did from being dragged into the mud itself, the direction is very much diametrically opposed. A way out of the bindings, a way out of the body horror, into a feeling of freedom where you no longer feel bound into a flesh prison, but feel truly that your body is a new home, in a way that you could not have imagined, just as your current predicament may have been unimaginable in a different state, in the same way may a new state of harmony seem absolutely impossible and unimaginable now.
It always seems impossible until it's done.
—Nelson Mandela
