Can i go back to practicing martial arts when i just want to die?

[Minas]

I'm very sorry for be posting this here, But I don't know who else i can turn to.

It's been an year ever since i stopped. But before this, I had previous experience with practicing, Being a brown belt in Judo, practicing ever since i was a kid, While also having around 6 months of Muay Thai classes.

But last year was specially dark for me. My Nmom became a lot more violent, So one day, I kinda... Broke down mid training. And ever since that day, My fighting spirit just left me. Now i live in a state where if someone wants to fight me, I won't do anything. I won't raise my fists, I will not try to run, I'll just let him do whatever he wants without saying a word. I am unable to raise my own fists to defend myself anymore... Just like it was with my mom. My plans to learn how to better defend myself failed... I don't wanna do this "Self Defense" stuff anymore. I just want to let myself get hurt and die.

Anyway, A lot has happened between then and now, A lot changed, Some things for the better, But i do admit I am starting to miss practicing. I still engage in Martial Arts content for my stories. Hell, a friend of mine even asked me to write a fighting style for one of his OCs, Pretty much devise a moveset for them. A part of me still wants to- You can say "Mocap" this sort of thing for personal inspiration. But if i'm not there to fight or spar, Because everytime i stand in front of someone in training i feel like i need to kneel and let them kick me, Is there really a point?

I hope people who can better understand my circumstances will offer better advice on what I can do next. I tried asking this in a martial arts forum and they just told me to man up and check my testosterone... I don't wanna man up. I don't wanna get my testosterone checked. I just want to let someone do as they wish to me and hurt me as much as they want.

 

[Rev346]

I feel for you. Best bet is to find a place that will let you do !mostly pad and bag work. No need to get back into judo or sparring unless you are ready and wanting. Sometimes just being in the gym and doing drills with the bags is enough by o start the spark again.

 

[Minas]

I feel for you. Best bet is to find a place that will let you do !mostly pad and bag work. No need to get back into judo or sparring unless you are ready and wanting. Sometimes just being in the gym and doing drills with the bags is enough by o start the spark again.

That'd be good. I'd still be afraid of talking to people... Having someone stare at me in a place where violence is taught would make me feel like I should kneel right then and now. It'd be very... overwhelming.

Maybe I can try bag work alone in my home?

 

[Kanoh]

Yes you should. I do MMA in spite of being perpetually suicidal and depressed. Just go and do it.

 

[Apathy79]

I don't really get why you feel like you need to kneel when someone spars with you. So I'm trying to read between the lines here. I'm guessing your Mom got you into it to start with to try to toughen you up. And then as you got better, she started testing you more intensely, and it felt like too much? Then you break down in class because you don't feel like a fighter. Now you're resenting everything to do with fighting, which is where this kneeling stuff comes from. Yet you still enjoy something about it and are good at it, thus missing it.

Or not. It's a lot of assumptions. But I can't make sense of what you're saying without making them.

Maybe a martial art that isn't all sparring would be up your alley? Karate or something? Where it's basically just training the moves and sequences solo?

 

[Minas]

I don't really get why you feel like you need to kneel when someone spars with you. So I'm trying to read between the lines here. I'm guessing your Mom got you into it to start with to try to toughen you up. And then as you got better, she started testing you more intensely, and it felt like too much? Then you break down in class because you don't feel like a fighter. Now you're resenting everything to do with fighting, which is where this kneeling stuff comes from. Yet you still enjoy something about it and are good at it, thus missing it.

Or not. It's a lot of assumptions. But I can't make sense of what you're saying without making them.

Maybe a martial art that isn't all sparring would be up your alley? Karate or something? Where it's basically just training the moves and sequences solo?

She didn't do it to make me tougher. She never wanted to make me tougher. She just wanted to make sure I knew how much i ruined her life by being born. If I don't even deserve fighting back against her, How can I fight back against someone? A thing like me doesn't deserves to defend itself. It should only be punished.

Last year i tried defending myself against her. It just hurt me more. I gave up. I don't ever wanna try this "standing up to myself" thing again. It's much easier to just let it happen to me and wait for it to be over.

And besides, I don't think i should have never started this fighting stuff. It just makes me like her. The best option would be just... Letting people hit me.