Can anyone help me to make up my mind

[Feldsparc]

Here's a list of the things that make me want to commit.
-Have BPD
-Had affair with my husband's nephew with BPD who became my Favourite person and I couldn't stop the affair
-Ruined my family
-My extended family is lost to me too
-Identity issues because of the affair and rift with family
-Lost my well paying job
- Migrated to Australia and co-parenting but no connection with my husband
-Hate living in Australia
- No sense of self because of BPD
- My family knows about the affair and I've lost my reputation and respect from everyone

I'm literally just holding on for my parents and son but I can't take what my life has become anymore.
Even one of these things happening would push someone over the edge, too much has happened to me. Why am I still seeking permission from anyone to die?
It's like I don't even have a self that can analyse and come to the conclusion that its over and I can give up. I need someone to tell me it's okay and I can go.....please please please

 

[geepeedee]

it's against the rules.

 

[Feldsparc]

it's against the rules.

I know I'm sorry...just spiraling and need someone to say its okay I'd do the same

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

If you can give up & walk away from everything, it could be argued that you could also walk away from everything & start a new life. Not advice, just a thought.

 

[E4syW3y0u7]

Your life is your own.

 

[Feldsparc]

If you can give up & walk away from everything, it could be argued that you could also walk away from everything & start a new life. Not advice, just a thought.

I'm dead tired of everything that happened. It's too much. At the very most I can hold on through this grief and shame and humiliation and live a miserable life. I don't see myself overcoming this at all...filled with so much self loathing

 

[amy joyce]

Starting over isn't impossible. You can get another job and get therapy. It sounds like you need it as that's a long list of deeds or mishaps that are quite the burden. Do you have friends? Anyone to at least spend a few hours with to get your head out of hands and given a break.

Not to get religious on you but if you regret your mistakes then you are justified at the very least to give yourself a break. Humans make mistakes and we learn from them. You didn't break the law, just moral codes and it seems to me that you're sorry and burdened by what it has cost you.

Where were you before Australia? What's wrong with where you were at, if you hate AUS so much?

 

[Feldsparc]

Starting over isn't impossible. You can get another job and get therapy. It sounds like you need it as that's a long list of deeds or mishaps that are quite the burden. Do you have friends? Anyone to at least spend a few hours with to get your head out of hands and given a break.

Not to get religious on you but if you regret your mistakes then you are justified at the very least to give yourself a break. Humans make mistakes and we learn from them. You didn't break the law, just moral codes and it seems to me that you're sorry and burdened by what it has cost you.

Where were you before Australia? What's wrong with where you were at, if you hate AUS so much?

I have no friends. I cut myself off from everyone because I'm so ashamed of what I did. It cost me everything and I mean everything....my son is the only person I have left.
I was in India and happened to be migrating just after the news of the affair came out to my family. After reaching I was suffering abandonment fears and left Australia to go to him and that's how everyone found out.
I moved out of India because I wanted a better future for my son but now that I'm here its become a prison for me...my husband lets me stay with them but I have almost no communication with him. It's killing for me because we really had a good relationship before all this happened. It's like a nuclear bomb just went off and decimated my life and my husband's and son's.

 

[coolcow1289]

One thing you have going for you is you're aware of your faults. Unlike some people, you aren't here blaming the world for your problems.

Self awareness also means you're in a position to fix your issues. Since you can identify them. So it's really a question of whether you think you're capable of overcoming this.

Your situation sounds very tough. BPD is a menace. Have you tried therapy and medication?

 

[wine is fine but]

even if it wasn't against the rules, i would never tell you it is okay to leave
i would suggest that it is your choice, but never straight out tell you not to try

the fact that you have made this thread means you do not really want to go - sure, you want the mental pain to end, but you do not want to die
to me, you have one option left, which i have probably annoyed the crap out of you by telling you so many times. you need to try and forgive yourself
you made a mistake. you have owned up to it. you have a paid a price for multiple years now. that should be more than enough. you do not deserve more pain no matter what you think. try and forgive yourself, and then you may be able to start living again - what do you have to lose? but more importantly, what could you gain?

 

[amy joyce]

It's killing for me because we really had a good relationship before all this happened. It's like a nuclear bomb just went off and decimated my life and my husband's and son's.

It seems like your husband (ex?) is being kind to you and your son by allowing you to stay with them. Your son needs you and it's obvious you know that, which is partly why you have stayed with them. Regardless of whether or not there is a way to patch things up with your husband, you can start working on yourself by getting a job and getting into solo therapy. As a couple of wise people said above, you know you are at fault for some mistakes and aren't pretending to be the victim (although recognizing you have BPD illness is a good thing, it hasn't used as an excuse). You need some help and I beg of you to try and get it so that you can be the best Mom possible as your son continues to grow up and you can find reprieve from bashing yourself.

I have a close friend who has had babies, abortions, affairs, abandoned people, made excuses for it all and then came around and admitted her faults all the while not seeming to feel any humiliation about it. She had a lot happen to her in life and probably also has some missed diagnosis' herself. The point is that "we" tend to follow our feelings regardless of our thoughts. Sometimes we allow those of others to impact us but oddly some people won't let that sway them from their existing feelings (only change of mind). You made decisions in your past that drastically impacted your life, and you made the decisions alone for the most part (others certainly played a role and I wouldn't let them off the hook or that slip my mind). Going through with ctb is going to be a decision you need to make without the approval of others.

I'm not sure if I'm on to something or not but I have many feelings too and they change periodically bc of oh such friendly hormones. They've also changed by way of exercising my mind and coming to conclusions by allowing others to lead my thought process. It was a choice to try so that I wouldn't have those feelings anymore. I'm not sure why it works sometimes and doesn't other times, but it helps to recognize what does work/help so you can repeat the process if needed. One thing I can tell you for sure is that your son will be devastated even further and never understand why his Mom chose to hurt him. Moving on will give you a chance to slowly rectify your wrongs, but with ctb that will never happen. I don't want to hurt you but what he'll remember is all the horrible past feelings and then the final feeling of betrayal and loss - forever. He loves you and you have the opportunity to make the harder decision (and work on it) and build a future on a solid foundation. Love.