One month ago today you wrote your goodbye letter when you knew I would be sleeping. To the end you wanted to protect me. Knowing it would be my last sleep.
I remember when I first saw you on the forum. I was enthralled by you. Lord knows why. I didn't know you. You were a stranger hiding behind a computer. You could have been anybody.
I remember how I made up a reason to contact you, and you wrote back. I remember feeling giddy and not knowing what to do next. I never dated. I don't know how to flirt. I don't know the rules and regulations on what to do.
I kept making excuses to talk to you, and you kept writing back. Finally, I blurted out, if we were on the outside, I could date someone like you. It finally clicked in your logical head.
I remember the first time we Skyped. What you didn't know was that I spent hours getting ready. Hair, make up, changing clothes. Heck. It was a first date, and a first time seeing each other.
I was terrified. What if you thought I was ugly? What if you hated me?
You called right on time. I remember the first time I saw you. All I could think of was how you would hate me. We were both silent, not knowing what to say. You must have seen the terror and worry on my face. Finally you said you were pleased to meet and see me, and you said I wasn't what he envisioned and how I was beautiful. Something never said to me by someone who actually meant it.
You were so patient with me. The first time I did something and didn't include you. You knew I didn't do it on purpose. You calmly said that we were a team. We make decisions together.
I remember how you asked me to do something that I didn't feel comfortable with. I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't want you to be angry or hate me. You asked me what was wrong. I was terrified to tell you. After I did, you said that what I said was reasonable and never thought of that. You saw the terror on my face and I told you that I was scared that you would yell at me or end it. You sat there with your amused look on your face and said he could never hate me, would never yell and there was no resin to be angry.
I remember the first time you told me that he loved me. When I said it back, you asked how? You were so damaged and could give me nothing, and I deserved so much better than him. I remember telling you that I thought he was perfect and even perfect in his imperfections.
Nobody was more patient than you were with me. Your amused face when I did something will always be etched on my brain.
Yes. You were damaged. Nobody here saw that. It never mattered to me. It never mattered how you looked. How you had no money or a job. Your medical issues. Nothing mattered.
You never saw how wonderful you were and how perfect I thought you were. You would ask me over and over what I saw in you.
I knew I couldn't stop you. But I tried. Again. That amused look on your face. When I stopped, you asked if I was done. I shouted no! You then said to put it on pause. You wanted to get a scotch. You came back. Sat there sipping with that amused look. When I was done, you told me nobody has fought so hard or wanted him to stay as much. Then you said that we should have met a different place and time. Things would have been different.
You have changed my life and so many others more than you knew. Or maybe you dud know, and your self esteem was so low you couldn't believe it.
Thank you for the personal goodbye letter you mailed me. I wish you could have said it personally.
Thank you for choosing me. A clueless woman who made many mistakes in our relationship. But you were patient, stood by me and was my teacher.
You said it isn't my time. I am here for today, thinking about you as always.
Whenever I hear this song, I think of you. I miss you more than any words I can ever say.
