BPD - anyone else here?

[saturn1402]

I believe I might have bpd. I never really realised it until my most important relationship ended.

I just wanted to hear stories of other people with bpd.

I feel like I am a psycho cause my main and only reason to want to ctb is because my relationship ended 6 months ago and I realised I did so many crazy and unhealthy things and I can't forgive myself to have lost someone truly amazing.

 

[lilurki]

You're not psycho for wanting to CTB after the end of a very meaningful relationship, if anything it's more human than you know. I have bpd and went into psychosis blowing up my entire life and becoming socially isolated with no chance of reconciliation with my loved ones, believe me I tried but I can't fix those relationships and many of them have moved on and our much happier without me. Without relationships no one would be born, but relationships are also everyone's greatest source of pain.

 

[encore]

it's life ruining and you can never really escape the stigma which stings if you're sensitive to criticism and perceived rejection. fortunately therapy and medication works for many people with bpd, and if you end up being diagnosed, give it a shot before you proceed with more drastic ways to escape the pain

personally though i don't think it will work for me for a variety of reasons worst of which is complete lack of trust in people (makes me act horrible in relationships) as well as emotional neglect in the past making me see recovery as "invalidating". doesn't matter much since i can't access therapy anyway but oh well. i hope you end up in a better place than i did ♡

 

[billie]

i have bpd and it's the worst mental illness a person can have
bpd is the main reason for my ctb

 

[saturn1402]

i have bpd and it's the worst mental illness a person can have
bpd is the main reason for my ctb

Can I dm you?

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

DBT is the gold standard in treating BPD. If you can afford it alongside complex trauma therapy, it may save your life. It's also researched that folks suffering from BPD are at a high risk of committing suicide. We engage in a lot of unhealthy behaviors and can cause damage to people when we are not in recovery, though with work we can become better people and manage our condition.

I suffer from C-PTSD and have a problem with relationships and trust as well. While it manifests differently from BPD, the end effect is the same: being alone and deprived of relationships which is a core need and what makes us humans.

 

[heavysoul]

I'm not diagnosed, but last time I was in the psych ward the psychiatrist suggested that I might have bpd and that I look into treatment. I've done dbt in the past and got nothing out of it, but I was young so maybe I'd just need to give it another try— I've just tried so many treatments and nothing has worked, it's so frustrating. I fear I'm going to become another statistic due to the high bpd suicide rates :/

 

[saturn1402]

DBT is the gold standard in treating BPD. If you can afford it alongside complex trauma therapy, it may save your life. It's also researched that folks suffering from BPD are at a high risk of committing suicide. We engage in a lot of unhealthy behaviors and can cause damage to people when we are not in recovery, though with work we can become better people and manage our condition.

I suffer from C-PTSD and have a problem with relationships and trust as well. While it manifests differently from BPD, the end effect is the same: being alone and deprived of relationships which is a core need and what makes us humans.

I tried therapy, even DBT but it wasn't working for me. Nothing makes me feel less guilty. I blame myself so so much. It's unbearable

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

I tried therapy, even DBT but it wasn't working for me. Nothing makes me feel less guilty. I blame myself so so much. It's unbearable

I'm sorry to hear DBT didn't accomplish what you were expecting.

We can be our biggest enemies in how we treat ourselves. Especially if we got these messages in our childhood from loved ones around us.

Would you give complex trauma therapy a try? There are many modalities so don't be discouraged (it's ok if you feel intimidated). Some are (list not exhaustive): somatic experiencing, NARM (new comer innovating what's in the field), IFS, EMDR, sensorimotor psychotherapy etc.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

I have bpd , ptsd , mdd and agoraphobia. Living life is chaotic and I think completely differently from other people. I have a trauma response to apologize for everything no matter how small it is ...I constantly have to deal with hallucinations and feeling like everyone I know hates me .

It can't stay in places with a lot of people fo very long without music playing in my ears or I have a breakdown.
The smallest change in a relationship can cause me to split and hate them for a few days

You just have to constantly remind yourself that what you're thinking is bpd and a trauma response. Give yourself space and come back to things with a new outlook if you can.
Sorry if this turned into a trauma dump or something

 

[alivefornow]

Yes, I have BPD. I nuked my relationship and tried to end it when she moved on. Spent 4 months in a psych ward and then 15 days again after that. I don't think it's possible for me to feel happiness anymore. I've thought about killing myself every day for over two years. I never feel anything good. I only feel pain. Meds and therapy don't work at all, zero improvement, waste of money and time. I wish for death. I wish people could understand I need to die. I don't want to live anymore. I've been in pain for over 15 years.

 

[TheRedRoad]

I potentially have BPD as well.

Whatever is wrong with me makes me ruin my relationships, especially the one with my FP (favorite person). I know I'm too much to handle but I genuinely cannot control my thoughts and impulses. The slightest thing will tick me off because of my black-and-white thinking and then I lash out and say things I don't even mean. I think that's what you'd call a split in BPD terms, although a split doesn't necessarily have to be directed towards someone else.

Of course, it doesn't just affect my relationships with other people but also my way of thinking in general. I'm extremely paranoid, I feel like an empty shell most (if not all) days, I indulge in self-harm, I have no sense of identity, I dissociate my way through my days and probably more I'm not self-aware of.

At the end of the day, don't be too harsh on yourself; I know how easy that is to say but we're all human. It's okay to step out when things become 'too much'.

I wish you the best.

 

[galaxid]

Docs have mentioned BPD to me in the past, and then I've mentioned it. But most of the time I get 'You have Bipolar Disorder, not BPD' despite y'know. All of the obvious signs that I do! But I didn't really 'get' it until I was doing research for something unrelated, and I realized I was baasically reading about my crises that seem to happen uh. Every 3-6 months? Which is really fun, because I can put that shit on a calendar and completely forget anyway, experience all the symptoms and feel entirely lost on why because the way I'm thinking feels objectively correct. Like I could just be depressed and want to ctb, or my immediate crisis might be solved by just, talking to the person I've decided to be upset with this time. Resolving the problem tends to trigger mania, though, since I swing from one side to another. Which is great until it goes away. And it always goes away.

 

[CravingPeace]

I've always confused BPD with bipolar and DID, but after reading about it just now I'm starting to think this diagnosis fits me better than most.

Luckily I have a therapy appointment this afternoon, and I'll bring it up then. I'll definitely relay any type of info I get from him and post it here.

Thanks for bringing this to my attention, I hope you are doing well today :)

 

[bipolar22]

I have bpd. It's agony and loneliness. I keep splitting.i push people away. Moods are all over the place. As many I self medicate first with booze but but now can't due to health reason. Splitting is the worst. Sometimes I break off contact in fear they leave me first.
Bpd is the most painful mental illness and it renders life into a lonely agony. Not worth living.
Therapie helps nothing at best. Fick bpd. I have an extreme case though for some its not as dramatic. Excuse typos I'm high

 

[wonderfulheaven]

quiet bpd / avpd , im an attention seeker that ghosts everyone and never gets what i want. i'm painfully aware of my toxic habits and mindsets and push them down or internalize them so as to not hurt others but i do so anyways inevitably. i'm tired of masking

 

[bipolar22]

quiet bpd / avpd , im an attention seeker that ghosts everyone and never gets what i want. i'm painfully aware of my toxic habits and mindsets and push them down or internalize them so as to not hurt others but i do so anyways inevitably. i'm tired of masking

Wish I had quiet bpd at times. Splitting and saying bad things to loved ones because of some imagined bettayal. The anger spells. It's too much. Not saying quite bpd isbanybless painful

 

[Alo the obvi alien]

I believe I might have bpd. I never really realised it until my most important relationship ended.

I just wanted to hear stories of other people with bpd.

I feel like I am a psycho cause my main and only reason to want to ctb is because my relationship ended 6 months ago and I realised I did so many crazy and unhealthy things and I can't forgive myself to have lost someone truly amazing.

Its hard to forgive yourself sometimes. I get it

 

[Tao]

I have BPD.. diagnosed 14 years ago. Tried talk theapy, a plethora of medications (and had short-term and some lifelong side-effects from them...yay) and DBT. It helped but wasn't a cure or anything. I also have MDD, GAD, C-PTSD... and so much more! I got tired of the labels doctors kept giving me.
It's been hell. I got married to someone who I told reminded me of my father because at the time I thought a controlling person was safe and familiar. I was their lap dog and it fucked me up when they divorced me for not doing more, being more, achieving more.
I stay out of romantic relationships because I attract controlling individuals that have high expectations and I always go from being their emotional support pet to being called lazy or not ambitious enough.
I can't trust myself so I can't trust others. I hate myself so I hate others. I have constant intrusive judgmental thoughts about every little thing I do, so I try to stay away from people.
I exhausted from the constant suicidal ideation, but am so content when I'm away from others and can do my own thing. I try to lower my expectations of what I can do or who I'm suppose to be.
But, again, I'm exhausted physically and mentally.

 

[galaxid]

I have BPD.. diagnosed 14 years ago. Tried talk theapy, a plethora of medications (and had short-term and some lifelong side-effects from them...yay) and DBT. It helped but wasn't a cure or anything. I also have MDD, GAD, C-PTSD... and so much more! I got tired of the labels doctors kept giving me.
It's been hell. I got married to someone who I told reminded me of my father because at the time I thought a controlling person was safe and familiar. I was their lap dog and it fucked me up when they divorced me for not doing more, being more, achieving more.
I stay out of romantic relationships because I attract controlling individuals that have high expectations and I always go from being their emotional support pet to being called lazy or not ambitious enough.
I can't trust myself so I can't trust others. I hate myself so I hate others. I have constant intrusive judgmental thoughts about every little thing I do, so I try to stay away from people.
I exhausted from the constant suicidal ideation, but am so content when I'm away from others and can do my own thing. I try to lower my expectations of what I can do or who I'm suppose to be.
But, again, I'm exhausted physically and mentally.

I resonate a lot with this. In a way I've been the controlling one, because I'm loud and angry and lack empathy in these intermittent bursts. It takes a lot of wariness to make sure I don't go off blowing up my relationships whenever I get a little upset. Spent a long time not dating because I felt like I was going crazy.

It feels like I hinge my wellness on the people I care about, like I expect them to fix my problems. And when they don't, because they can't, I spiral. Being alone is so much easier.

Do you experience the same kinda thing with friends as well as romantic relationships? For me its both. Which is why I don't have a lot of friends lol

 

[BeijaFlor]

I believe I might have bpd. I never really realised it until my most important relationship ended.

I just wanted to hear stories of other people with bpd.

I feel like I am a psycho cause my main and only reason to want to ctb is because my relationship ended 6 months ago and I realised I did so many crazy and unhealthy things and I can't forgive myself to have lost someone truly amazing.

ive been diagnosed as bipolar and having bpd.

althou, only god really knows, wtf the critiria for such diagnosis really is based upon

the psychiatriast n whatnot, knew shit about my life

about the way i feel, felt

fuck of all them

bipolar, bpd

i dont give a flyinf fuckin shit about none of it

im so much wiser, and more intelligent than any of them

they can call me whatwer petty names they seem to fit into my personality

i am god

i am the creative force expressing itself through my existance, and throughout all livings forms

petty definations of petty so called psychiatrists to not fret me


we seek validation upon these titles, let it not define you

whoever you are, you are so, so, so much more than that

 

[terum2k]

Mix of NPD covert type with BPD traits, i.e. favorite person. Its absolute hell....

 

[Still here]

You're not psycho for wanting to CTB after the end of a very meaningful relationship, if anything it's more human than you know. I have bpd and went into psychosis blowing up my entire life and becoming socially isolated with no chance of reconciliation with my loved ones, believe me I tried but I can't fix those relationships and many of them have moved on and our much happier without me. Without relationships no one would be born, but relationships are also everyone's greatest source of pain.

What are the sighs of BPD coz I think I have an issue with my mental health but I don't know what it is and where I live mental health discussion is much of a taboo can you tell me signs of BPD plz???

 

[northevelyn]

i have bpd and it's the worst mental illness a person can have
bpd is the main reason for my ctb

Same

 

[saturn1402]

What are the sighs of BPD coz I think I have an issue with my mental health but I don't know what it is and where I live mental health discussion is much of a taboo can you tell me signs of BPD plz???

• Extreme fear of abandonment
• Unstable relationships
• Unclear or shifting self-image
• Impulsive behaviors
• Self-harm or suicidal behavior
• Extreme mood swings
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Explosive anger

Ofc it changes for everyone. For example I never self harmed and I never had chronic feelings of emptiness

 

[northevelyn]

I believe I might have bpd. I never really realised it until my most important relationship ended.

I just wanted to hear stories of other people with bpd.

I feel like I am a psycho cause my main and only reason to want to ctb is because my relationship ended 6 months ago and I realised I did so many crazy and unhealthy things and I can't forgive myself to have lost someone truly amazing.

I have BPD and it is hell. I've been suicidal as long as I can remember. I've been in and out of the psych ward. I've lost count of how many pathetic attempts I've made to ctb. I wouldn't wish this shit on anyone. It's the most painful mental illness. I feel like there's a void in my chest that will never go away. People say you age out of it but I don't really believe that's true. I just want it to end.

 

[saturn1402]

I have BPD and it is hell. I've been suicidal as long as I can remember. I've been in and out of the psych ward. I've lost count of how many pathetic attempts I've made to ctb. I wouldn't wish this shit on anyone. It's the most painful mental illness. I feel like there's a void in my chest that will never go away. People say you age out of it but I don't really believe that's true. I just want it to end.

Just out of curiosity what therapy and meds did you try ?

My bpd only came out recently due to a traumatic breakup , before it was there but I wasn't suicidal or anything just very emotional and with huge fear of abandonment. I feel like I tried everything in the past 6 months but nothing helped me even slightly

 

[northevelyn]

Just out of curiosity what therapy and meds did you try ?

My bpd only came out recently due to a traumatic breakup , before it was there but I wasn't suicidal or anything just very emotional and with huge fear of abandonment. I feel like I tried everything in the past 6 months but nothing helped me even slightly

I've tried just about every SSRI under the sun, a few anxiety meds, several mood stabilizers, and some antipsychotics. I found the most helpful to be mood stabilizers.
I've tried a ton of different therapists as well. Currently doing DBT, IFS, and EMDR with some success.
Still suicidal all the time though.
I got diagnosed about 2 years ago.

 

[bigbootyboots18]

I'm so tired of living my life with my bpd, I feel so guilty whenever it affects my kids and husband. I feel like I'm everything wrong and nothing right.

 

[saturn1402]

I've tried just about every SSRI under the sun, a few anxiety meds, several mood stabilizers, and some antipsychotics. I found the most helpful to be mood stabilizers.
I've tried a ton of different therapists as well. Currently doing DBT, IFS, and EMDR with some success.
Still suicidal all the time though.
I got diagnosed about 2 years ago.

Thank you for sharing one last question and feel free to not reply, it might be very personal hope it won't make you feel uncomfortable: do you think your bpd was caused by some trauma ?